


Nice Piece Of Art

by LZSHIP



Category: Liam Stans, One Direction (Band), Zquad
Genre: Abuse, Addictions, Alcohol Abuse, Alcohol Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Best Friends, Bipolar Disorder, Bisexual, Blackmail, Blood, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bullying, Child Abuse, Cuddling, Dance Therapy, Dark Thoughts, Death, Depression, Dreams, Drug Addiction, Drug therapy, Eating Disorder, Exposure therapy, Fate, Fear, Fluff, Fun, Gay, Grief, Group Therapy, Homophobia, Hospital, Husbands, Kids, Lesbian, Loss, Love, M/M, Marriage, Narcisstic Personality Disorder, OCD, Occupational Therapy, Pain, Pan - Freeform, Physical Abuse, Physical Therapy, Psychiatric unit, Rape, Relapses, Scars, Schizophrenia, Secret Relationships, Secret love, Self Harm, Sex Addiction, Sexual Abuse, Smoking, Soulmates, Sports, Strength, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Tattoos, Therapists, Therapy, Trauma, Triggers, Trust, Verbal Abuse, Wounds, art therapy, domestic abuse, friends - Freeform, horrible parents, individual therapy, larry - Freeform, meltdowns, movies - Freeform, music therapy, psychiatrist, queer, suicidal attempt, tourettes, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-06-28 08:10:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15703251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LZSHIP/pseuds/LZSHIP
Summary: Liam’s depression and decision to end his life lands him in the psychiatric unit of a Brooklyn hospital where he meets Zayn, whom he might have already met before.





	1. If I Could Fly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts), [Mystic_charlie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mystic_charlie/gifts), [AnkeLovesThis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnkeLovesThis/gifts).



> General Trigger/Content Warnings:
> 
> \- mental illness  
> \- depression  
> \- self-harm  
> — cutting  
> — scratching/pinching  
> — impact with objects  
> — carving  
> — burning  
> \- suicide  
> \- abuse  
> — child abuse  
> — drug abuse  
> — alcohol abuse  
> — physical abuse  
> — verbal abuse  
> — sexual abuse  
> \- rape  
> \- addiction  
> — alcohol addiction  
> — drug addiction  
> — sex addiction  
> — self harm  
> \- personality disorders  
> — BPD  
> — OCD  
> — BD  
> — NPD  
> — AD  
> \- Tourettes  
> \- eating disorders  
> — bulimia  
> — anorexia  
> \- violence  
> \- trauma  
> \- sexism  
> \- homophobia  
> \- sexual harassment  
> \- death/loss/grief
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  

Liam didn't exactly plan on sitting here tonight, his legs dangling over the edge of the city's tallest building hundreds of feet above the city streets below. He admired the stunning view, the colorful bright lights, the beautiful stars of the night sky and the absolute silence. He was well aware of the fact that smoking wasn’t healthy but he didn’t care at all tonight. He just wanted to sit here in peace, smoke a cigarette or two and be alone. The carefree people partying down there at _John’s_ oblivious to him perched above their heads amazed him. Had to be a great feeling, living like that.

The cold air calmed him down, even if tears were streaming down his face. He knew that starting all over again sounded ridiculous but for him, it sounded like a dream these days. He just desperately wanted to be a kid again even though he knew he couldn't.

Every day of his life he opened his eyes in the morning just to notice that nothing had changed at all and that nothing would ever be different. Every day he had to acknowledge to himself that he'd never be the Liam everyone wanted him to be and that everyone thought he was. He was good at pretending though, that he was sure about. No one really knew the real Liam, not at all. No one really knew that most of his days were dark and full of pain.

His life? Meaningless. His diary? Full of trash. His friends? He didn’t have real friends. The world had just always confused him, the society, the standards, the do's and don’ts but nobody knew.

By now Liam had noticed that all of his hope had just literally vanished into thin air. What was he hoping for all the time anyway? Changes? Ridiculous, really. He'd never be able to be just himself, not with that society, not with his parents, not with what he was studying, not with his so-called friends and especially not with his oh so nice girlfriend. 

Jesus Christ, he hated all of them. His parents? Rich snobs who didn't have a life because the only thing they ever cared about was work! Work, work, and even more work! Liam and his siblings had never gotten any attention. There had never been such a thing as love within his family.

His sisters had admittedly raised him but they only had because they kind of felt forced into it. So it was no surprise when they'd fucked off the moment they'd gotten the chance to do so. Liam had never even blamed them for it. Who would have?! Goeff, his father,  was an ice cold and well known businessman who didn't show weakness at all. Karen? Liam didn't even want to think about his mother never being around.

And on top if it he hated everything and everyone surrounding him just as much. His studies? Please don't ever mention economic sciences to him, thank you very much. His friends? Cliché rich kids! Racism, homophobia, and misogyny included, not to mention that everything was entirely superficial and based on showing off shit you had bought the day before. And then there was his oh so lovely girlfriend everyone loved. Everyone but him. Never in a million years, Liam would've dated her voluntarily. But what did it matter anyway? According to his father, it was important to marry the right woman, someone with influence, someone with money and connections! Someone like his friend and business partner's daughter. Within six weeks he'd been forced to ask her out. Five months later she already wore an engagement ring. Super expensive diamond sitting proudly on a flat band, of course.

He was sick and tired of it.

The only thing that had kept him going until now was thinking about his childhood and about their neighbors who’d literally adopted him. But with now 21 years, Liam thought it was about time to let go. He'd always hoped to see them again but he'd never been lucky. He hated thinking about the day five years ago when all of a sudden the only people who he had ever cared about got erased from his life, when he had lost everyone who had only ever cared about him in return.

He remembered everything about them. In fact, he remembered them so well that most of the time he found himself stuck in thoughts about how they must have changed over the years. He imagined _mom_ still cooking way too much food, still combing her hair excessively, still braiding her daughters' hair, still smiling with sparkling eyes, still kissing everyone's forehead just to make sure they felt loved and still looking at her husband as if nobody but him existed. She had loved him so much.

Some days he also thought about _dad_ whom he had always looked up to because of his caring and funny personality. He'd always been around to talk. It didn't matter which topic Liam had addressed. He'd always gotten thoughtful and nice answers, even back then when he'd learned to cuss. Liam remembered calling him an asshole thinking it meant something completely different, remembered how he was forced to sit down just to learn why asshole was a bad word and so on.

Liam missed both of them so much but he missed his _siblings_ even more. The girls who used to be everything but cool, who were annoying but lovely and absolutely sweet at the same time. He was sure all of them had to be absolutely beautiful young women by now just like their mother

Liam had to giggle thinking about them but it only lasted for a few seconds. He shivered involuntarily as a cool breeze replaced what was left of his body heat. Nevertheless, after a few minutes, he started smiling to himself again but tasted salty tears at the same time. He knew that the next thought would ultimately kill him on the inside but it was only natural to think about Zayn as well.

It was Zayn’s parents, Yaser and Trisha, who had literally adopted Liam back then when he was only 3 years old. They couldn’t just look away and do nothing when Liam’s own mother had introduced Liam to a Nanny and had decided that expensive gifts would do the job instead of motherly love.

They had started treating him like their own child because that kind of distant behavior had never been their understanding of a family. Hence, Zayn’s family quickly turned into his own _real family._ Over the years he'd even called Trisha his mom by accident sometimes or took Yaser as an example instead of his own father. Their house had been what Liam called home. The guest room had become _his_ room within months, the roof his and Zayn's favorite place to be, the basement their favorite place to play hide and seek at and their garden Liam's favorite place to play footie. He'd even loved Doniya's pink room and her annoying stupid girl stuff.

But what mattered the most was that Liam grew up with Zayn. Best friends forever carved into a tree nearby their old school, pictures of them playing in a sandbox when they were little, old birthday presents still kept safe underneath Liam’s bed and a shared Batman Teddy that Liam still cherished like life itself. Zayn had given him a family, had shown him what being loved felt like, what life could look like and what friendship meant.

But at the age of 16 it all of a sudden had ended within the blink of an eye when his father had announced that they were forced to leave the neighborhood, thus the city. He wasn’t allowed to meet or even talk to the Maliks anymore. _We don’t hang out with such people, we do not meet up with poor losers and lowlife_ his father had from then on always lessoned Liam whenever possible.

They’d moved and two weeks later Liam had been sent to boarding school just in case. He'd never gotten the chance to properly say goodbye.

The Maliks had never called and never tried to contact Liam in any way possible. Liam had, but his father had put a spoke in his wheel all the time. He’d lost all of them. But he'd lost himself the most.

"Fuck it. Can’t change shit anyway” Liam mumbled to himself, getting up without hesitation. He was now standing at the very edge of the roof of a tall building. He didn’t care. Tears full of sadness, regret, and broken promises were streaming down his face and he just wanted to know what flying felt like. He wanted to jump and then fly away like a bird, thinking about the idea of Geoff Payne hearing with satisfaction that his loser of a son… Nevermind.

"Bro, what the fuck are you doing?!" someone all of a sudden interrupted screaming like a maniac. "Don't fucking jump! Don't do it! Wait!” Liam jumped out of his skin and dropped his cigarette. When the stranger approached him, he didn't want to open his eyes just yet. He knew damn well what this situation probably looked like. ”I don't know how long you've been standing here and I don't know why you're here but just take my hand, give it a chance and don't jump. I won't be able to hold you if you jump. I'm not that strong. Please, don't jump" the man begged Liam with a high pitched voice. "Take a step back, please?" Liam shook his head because he couldn’t believe someone actually cared about him in any way "How about you turn around and look at me then? The lights are deceiving you, I swear. And I won't let you jump.”

"What do you even mean?" Liam asked curiously, slowly opening his eyes.

"I don't even know, okay? I just beg you not to jump. Life is beautiful! Turn around and just take my hand, please. We can talk, okay? I'll be here to talk for as long as you need to talk. I can and I will help you. There’s always a solution! I promise" he said, sniffling.

Was he crying?

"Are you crying?" Liam wanted to know but probably sounded like a fool. He decided to turn around at the same time to just take the strangers offered hand. He never wanted to jump in the first place, right?

Liam was about to do so but he slipped. He closed his eyes, felt the lump in his throat and said his quiet goodbyes, until all of a sudden he felt someone pull him back with so much force it hurt. Liam fell on top of the stranger, landing on the cold stone floor. He was shaking so hard that he couldn't move, couldn't open his eyes.

"You're safe" the stranger whispered using the softest voice Liam had ever heard. "I told you I wouldn't let you jump. You're safe. Shh". Liam was panicking. He couldn’t breathe, couldn't understand what had just happened, but the stranger just slowly sat up and pulled Liam closer just to enfold him into his arms. It was a tight hug. A proper hug. Something Liam hadn't experienced in ages. "Calm down. You're safe.”

"It's so cold" Liam murmured inhaling the stranger's scent. He smelled some really good cologne, alcohol and a bit of sweat. Usually, this would've sounded creepy - no, it genuinely would have been creepy- but right now something like distance between strangers or an awkward feeling somehow didn't exist. "Th-thank you.”

"Don't say thank you. Maybe tell me your name instead, yeah?" he replied still not letting go. The person took Liam’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

Fuck, this person had just saved his life.

"Liam. It's Liam. I'm Liam." Liam answered with the weakest voice. "I'm Liam Payne and you just saved my life.” He never thought about it like that, but maybe this shitty life was better than no life at all. Maybe he'd be lucky one day. Maybe he should marr-

"Did you say Payne? Liam Payne? PAYNE?" the stranger shrieked, eyes wide open and Liam suddenly thought that he probably should’ve jumped after all. Why did he have to have a well-known father? What a goddamn curse.

"Yes, it's Payne as in Geoff Payne. And yes, you just saved his son's life. He'll probably be happy to hear about what you’ve just done.


	2. Brooklyn Hospital

“No, you can’t go, Mr. Payne.” the doctor said, smiling at him. “It’s too dangerous, really.” Liam wanted to scream. Why on earth had he thought sitting on that goddamn rooftop was a good idea?! 

“I already told you that I _really_ didn’t want to jump. I just _thought_ about it. That’s completely different!” Liam repeated himself for the fifth time in a row now. “I can’t stay. My dad would kill me!”

“Mr. Payne, just thinking about committing suicide is enough information for us. You need to stay.” Dr. Walker said while writing something down. “Is there anyone you’d like to call? Your father maybe?”

“Oh, hell no! I really don’t want my father to know where I am. What about my stuff though? I didn’t bring anything!” Liam answered, nervously fiddling around with his fingers. What had he gotten himself into!? Psychiatric unit?! Jesus Christ.

“Don’t worry about that. You can call a friend as well. Is there anyone you trust enough with this?” Dr. Walker went into it. No? Liam didn’t have real friends! The only person he could call was his fucking girlfriend because even though he couldn’t stand her, she was a decent person. She wouldn’t tell anybody where Liam was if he asked her to keep it a secret. She wouldn’t.

“My girlfriend. I’d like to call her.” Liam replied, taking a deep breath. “She’s a decent person.”

“So you’re in a relationship.” the doctor said, writing something down again. “Do you love her? Is she making you happy?”

“You told me I could be honest, right?” Liam wanted to know. She nodded. “I’m not in love with her and she’s not making me happy at all.” She nodded again. “I’m kind of being forced into this relationship. I still want to call her because she’s the only person surrounding me who isn’t completely horrible. I think if we’d met somewhere else, under different circumstances, we could have been good friends or something."

“Well, Mr. Payne, come to talk to me again tomorrow around noon. In the meantime, Erin will make sure that you got everything you need. She’ll show you around, introduce you to other patients and she’ll give you all the information you need.” Dr. Walker said, smiling.

“Okay.” Liam answered, giving up. There was no way out. He had to stay. For at least four weeks. Fuck. The nurse, Erin, smiled just as broadly and hinted at him to follow her. “Bye.” Dr. Walker waved.

“Would you like to be called Liam or Mr. Payne?” Erin wanted to know. She was blonde, rather tall and Liam liked her very warm eyes. She seemed to be very nice. “It’s your decision, really. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”

“Just Liam.” he mumbled, following her outside. The long hallway was so narrow that if a wheelchair was to come his way Liam would have to dip into a side room to let it go by. The highly polished blue linoleum floor was nothing but ugly and the orange walls seemed to be very old judged by the condition of them. The air was stagnant and Liam didn’t see any hand sanitizers on the wall to prevent the spread of germs. The hallway had as much personality as the interstate, seriously. 

“We’re almost there.” Erin suddenly announced and Liam furrowed his brow. This wasn’t it? They stopped in front of a huge door made out of glass, which Erin unlocked seconds later. “Come inside. Don’t be shy.” Liam pursed his lips. “Nobody is gonna hurt you. They’re all just special and I promise you all nurses and doctors are very nice people.” Liam nodded and stepped inside.

This hallway was nothing like the previous one. He felt kind of welcome, which was weird.The air had a pure fragrance, not a sterile one. The walls were painted in pastels and the art on the walls were all natural images in colors as bright as freshly cut grass or colorful spring flowers. He could even hear the faint sound of soothing music in the background.

“Hello, new kid!” a small guy with feathery hair suddenly said. “I’m Louis! Want me to show you around?” Liam was confused. This was the psychiatric unit, wasn’t it? Why did that guy seem to be so normal? Liam nodded but didn’t say anything. Louis turned to the nurse. “What’s the matter with him? Is he mute?”

“No.” Liam whispered, looking at the floor.

“Oh, great! Come on, bro!” Louis announced, linking arms with him. “I’ll show him everything, Erin!” She nodded. “What’s your name?” Erin left.

“L-Liam.” he stammered, trying not to look into Louis' eyes for whatever reason.

“Okay, _L-Liam_! Want to see your room? You got the presidential suite!” Louis joked around. What the fuck was happening? “Follow me.” Liam wanted to cry. He wanted to go home. Louis furrowed his brow when Liam didn’t move. “Hey, it’s really not that bad here, I promise. We don’t bite and we sure as hell will accept you for who you are.”

“What?” Liam asked, not believing his ears. This was a goddamn hospital and he didn’t have a choice in staying or leaving! How could this be _not that bad_?! “I don’t want to be here. I have no idea why I’m here!”

“A person may be dangerous to self and others when he or she have recently threatened or attempted suicide or some serious bodily injury. He or she may have demonstrated the danger of substantial and imminent harm to himself and, or others through some recent act, attempt or threat of the same. ‘Dangerous to self’ may also include a situation where a person is unable to cater to his nourishment, shelter or self-protection without supervision or assistance of another person. Without such supervision and adequate treatment, it is probable that the mentally ill individual may succumb to death, substantial bodily injury or serious physical debilitation or disease.” Louis quoted, making Liam’s jaw drop.

“What the fuck, pal?” Liam said, eyes wide open. “Did you learn that by heart?!”

“Nah. Can’t forget shit. My brain is weird.” Louis answered, laughing. “Guess you wanted to kill yourself then.”

“W-what?” Liam stuttered, biting his lip.

“Been there, done that. No big deal here. You’re not special, bro.” Louis responded before he got the giggles. “Number four. That’s your room. You’re sharing with Niall. Have fun with that. He’s batshit crazy.”

Liam didn’t want to meet Niall. Oh, hell no. “Can’t I share a room with you? You seem to be pretty normal.”

“Honey, I’m the craziest one.” Louis told him, making Liam flinch. “Oh my god, chill. I was kidding.” Liam’s hand was shaking. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was scared. “We can’t share because I’m sharing with Eleanor.”

“Who’s Eleanor?” Liam wanted to know. He needed to remember names and find out who was rather normal and who wasn’t. “Is she as crazy as Niall?”

“No, she’s only got a serious eating disorder, the poor girl.” Louis informed him. “She’s a bit clingy because she thinks I’m the only one who genuinely understands her.”

“Okay. So she’s okay?” Liam asked again just to be sure.

Louis nodded. “Let’s meet your new roommate, yeah?” Liam didn’t want to meet him for shit. What if Niall hated him and then killed him? “Liam, you do understand that I was joking, don’t you? Niall got OCD, nothing to worry about. He’s not gonna rip off your head, just force you to wash your hands 20 times a day or stuff like that. He’s cool.”

“What is OCD?” Liam wanted to know, following Louis. “Sounds dangerous.”

Louis burst out laughing before he got the chance to roll his eyes. “We’re here. Knock on the door! When you enter the room and Niall approaches you, don’t even think about touching Niall. Don’t shake hands or anything!”

“O-okay?” Liam mumbled. “You promise he’s not gonna attack me or shit? I’m really not in the mood for surprises.”

“Don’t worry.” Louis reassured him. Liam knocked on the door. “Liam, you gotta knock three times. “Niall is obsessed with that number.” Liam bit his lip and knocked again. And again.

“Come in!” someone suddenly yelled. “It’s open, idiot.” Louis pushed past Liam, entering the room first.

“Niall, you finally got a roommate! This is Liam. He’s suicidal!” Louis announced, making Liam cringe. He was obnoxious, Jesus.

“Hey, Liam. Nice to meet you. Nice shirt.” Niall welcomed him, eyeing his shirt suspiciously. “What’s on it though? That stain, what is it?!” Louis cackled.

“I don’t know. It was raining outside. Maybe some dirt.” Liam casually announced, making Niall jerk. 

“Take it off. Please just…a new shirt. You need a new one. Where’s your stuff? Louis, get him a new shirt!” Niall rambled but Liam didn’t understand the fuss about it.

“You can have one of mine? I don’t know if they fit though. Maybe we should ask Harry for a shirt.” Louis said, making it seem like he was talking to himself. “Yeah, let’s ask Harold.”

Liam took off his shirt because he really didn’t want to fuck up within the first minutes. If Niall wanted him to change, he’d change. What a weirdo. “Oh my god, what are you doing!?”

“W-what?” Liam asked, still stuttering. He was way too nervous. Could he wake up now? What a nightmare!

“He’s afraid of germs and shit. He doesn’t want to get sick and since he doesn’t know what’s on your shirt he’s freaking out.” Louis explained and Niall nodded furiously. “We can ask someone to wash it. Did you already call someone to bring you clothes?”

“No. Erin was supposed to…you know.” Liam said scarcely audible. “I’ll call my girlfriend.”

“Oh, _L-Liam_ over here got a girlfriend!” Louis shrieked with an obnoxiously loud voice. “Let’s call your wifey.”

“She’s not my wife.” Liam clarified. “I’ll throw that shirt away, Niall. Was nice to meet you.” Niall smiled weakly but when Liam instinctively wanted to shake hands, Niall almost jumped out of his skin. “Fuck, sorry.”

“See you later!” Niall whispered, running to the bathroom. And then Liam heard water. The compulsion to wash his hands over and over again. Right.

Louis shook his head, smiling. “You’re gonna get used to it. Niall is a great guy.”

Liam shrugged, following Louis outside again. “He seems to be nice, but that OCD thing is weird as hell.”

“Believe me, Niall is the least problematic one here.” Louis answered, laughing way too loud. “Let’s meet Harry. You can only walk around here shirtless because you’re the new guy. Don’t do that again. Let’s pray we’re not gonna cross paths with Grimmy.”

“Who’s that?” Liam wanted to know, thinking about what Harry and Grimmy could possibly have to deal with. “And please just tell me what mental issues they have so that I can be prepared.”

“Grimmy is a sex addict, that’s why I'm praying we’re not gonna meet him while you’re running around topless, pal. He’s gonna make a move on you and believe me that’s annoying as hell.”

“A sex addict?! Thought that wasn’t even recognized as a diagnostic category at this time.” Liam replied, remembering that he’d read an article about sex addiction once. He’d laughed about it but he somewhat felt horrible for it by now. You shouldn’t laugh about any illness no matter how funny it seemed to be.

“He’s also addicted to drugs. That’s why he’s actually here. Tried to distract himself with heroin and what else. Poor guy, that one.” Louis explained, opening another door. “That’s Harry’s room. He’s not here right now, but I can just take one of his shirts. Doing it all the time anyway.”

Louis searched through one of the dresser’s drawers. “Is he nice?” Louis nodded. “You’re smiling. Do you like him?”

“Yeah, he’s my favorite.” Louis mumbled, blushing furiously, reaching for a white shirt. “Here! Put on this one. It’s a band shirt. Harry won’t mind.” Liam nodded, gratefully reached for it and pulled it over his head. “See! Fits.”

“What about _my_ shirt, though?” Liam asked, his light blue shirt still in his left hand. “Can I throw it away or would Harry freak out like Niall?”

Louis raised an eyebrow. “In his trashcan? Sure.”

“How am I supposed to know?!” Liam snapped. “He could be batshit crazy.”

“Excuse you? Harry isn’t crazy. He’s adorable.” Louis ranted at Liam. “He’s nothing like Niall!” Suddenly the door opened and a tall blonde woman appeared out of nowhere.

“Hey, Taylor.” Louis bid her welcome. “This is Liam. He’s new. Just lend him one of Harry’s shirts.”

She giggled and flipped her hair before she patted Liam’s shoulder. “Hi, newbie. I’m Taylor and you’re probably gonna love me. Who doesn’t?” What the actual fuck was her problem? Liam didn’t even know her. “The shirt suits you even though I think I’d look even better in it. Imagine making a crop top out of it. I’d look fabulous.”

“Whatever you say, hun.” Louis answered, grinning broadly. “I’m gonna show him around. See you later, yeah?”

“Don’t think I won’t be here anymore! I’m doing great, you know? Doc said I could leave anytime now. I’m doing better than all of you combined.” she said, not even paying attention to them. They left the room, ignoring her.

“She’s a bit full of herself, isn’t she?” Liam questioned, not being able to contain his laughter. “She’s _the best._ ”

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Liam. People with this disorder often believe they are of primary importance in everybody’s life or to anyone they meet. Not her fault.” Louis explained again. “People with a narcissistic personality disorder often display snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitudes. You should get used to it.”

Liam clenched his left fist. Louis was a very likable person, but the fact that he also seemed to be a dictionary on two legs was a bit annoying. “Do you know _everything_?”

“Yes, I do.” Louis simply replied, making Liam roll his eyes. Hard. “I’m clever.”

“What do you have to deal with then? Why are you here? You’re normal _and_ clever. I don’t see why they want you to stay.” Liam pumped him but Louis didn’t get the chance to answer when a very tall, broad-shouldered guy with longer hair approached them.

“Hey. Heard you’re Liam.” the guy said, winking. “I’m Harry and you’re wearing my shirt.”

“O-oh. Uh…y-yeah?” Liam stuttered. Why couldn’t he stop stammering!? So fucking embarrassing.

“I gave it to him, darling. That okay?” Louis interrupted, smiling happily. “Niall wanted him to get rid of his old shirt. It was stained. Poor Nialler almost got a heart attack. Couldn’t give him one of mine.”

“Because you’re tiny.” Harry answered, kissing Louis’ cheek, making the smaller guy turn red as a beet. “Looks great on you, Liam. Keep it.”

“Oh, no! I’ll give it back!” Liam squeaked. There was no way he’d keep it. He couldn’t!

“I mean it. It’s yours now. Did you get the chance to call somebody yet?” Harry wanted to know but Liam shook his head. “Well let’s ask for the phone then!”

Louis giggled, linked arms with Harry and beckoned Liam to follow them. “Yeah, you should really call your girlfriend, pal. You need clothes! And don’t forget to ask for a toothbrush.”

“Thank you, Harry.” Liam whispered, trying to smile at him. He felt okay at the moment but deep down there was nothing but sadness. He wouldn’t let them know though. They were really nice and there was no way Liam would fuck this up. He didn’t want them to think he was some strange emo kid. 

“Hey, Diane!” Louis suddenly yelled, when he noticed a young red-haired nurse waiting for someone across the hallway. “Liam needs to call someone! He’s the new patient.”

“Mary is waiting for him to say hello and call someone. Just ask her.”  Diane answered when a middle-aged rather chubby man appeared next to her. “Hello, James. Ready for therapy?” He nodded and then gave Liam a once over.  

“Fucking ugly.” James yelled. “Dickhead.” Was he talking to Liam? “Hello. I’m James.”

“Tourette's.” Harry whispered, to help Liam out. “He doesn’t hate you.”

Liam waved and smiled. “Liam. Hey.” He had heard about Tourette’s Disorder, so when James simultaneously turned his head and shrugged weirdly followed by calling him a dickhead again, he wasn’t all that surprised. James grinned happily and left, accompanied by nurse Diane. “Probably a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah, definitely. But James is dealing with it like a pro by now. I don’t think he’s gonna be here much longer.” Harry replied again. “Had to deal with depression because his wife left him being embarrassed about it. Horrible woman, horrible.”

“She left him because of that? What kind of person does that?!” Liam squeaked, not believing his ears. “He couldn’t deal with the divorce then?”

“No! They’re not even divorced yet but she’s already making his life a living hell.” Louis interjected. “You’ll get to talk to him later. Just ask him. He loves to talk about himself and he’s a good listener if you need to talk about something.” Liam nodded. “Now let’s go call your girlfriend.”

A few minutes later Liam had dialed in his girlfriend's number, waiting for her to answer the phone.

“Oh hey, babe.” Liam said when he heard her picking up. “Can you do me a favor and not freak out, honey? And I especially ask you to not tell anyone what I’m telling you now!”

 _“Hey, hun. Yeah, okay._ ” she answered, sounding worried.

“I’m at a Brooklyn hospital and I really need some things. Clothes, toothbrush and so on. Could you maybe pack a bag for me?” Liam asked her, trying to sound as casual as possible.

 _“Oh my god, my love. Are you okay? What happened to you? Do I have to call your dad?”_ she shrieked and then burst out crying. He felt horrible. She was a nice person, wasn’t she? He shouldn’t hate her. It just wasn’t her fault that their father had set them up. Fucking morons.

“Darling, don’t worry. I’m okay, promise. Please don’t tell anyone I’m here, love. It’s all a big fat misunderstanding. Can you do that for me? Please?” Liam lied, hating to use pet names.Nothing was a misunderstanding but she’d freak out. She had no clue how much Liam hated his life. He tried his best treating her like a queen because that’s what she deserved. The more Liam thought about it the more he felt sorry for her. She didn’t pick him either, did she? Their work addicted horrible fathers had just made a decision for them. She wasn’t the problem at all. Why had he never really noticed until now?

“ _Darling, don’t worry_.” Louis mocked Liam quietly, making faces.

Liam ignored him, listening to his girlfriend's concerns. He explained to her what had happened and she agreed to packing his things and bring them over. She also promised not to tell anyone where he was. Good.

Liam hung up.

“You two are disgusting. Babe? Love? Darling? Honey? Jesus Christ. What else?” Louis continued, making Liam glare at him.

“We’re not really dating even though we’re engaged. Last time I checked I was pretty much into dick.” Liam snapped, flipping him off. He hated everything. He should’ve jumped, seriously. And now? He was still very much alive and stuck in a psychiatric unit of a Brooklyn hospital with crazy people. Fuck.


	3. Weirdos

If there was one thing in the world Liam hated, it was when people were watching his every move. He couldn’t even eat his pasta, because not only was Niall literally drooling over Liam’s plate of food, no, everybody else was staring at _the new one_.

Liam just wanted to hide somewhere, go to sleep or disappear because even though he clearly wasn’t alone he was _alone_. There was a big difference between being alone and feeling alone, feeling lonely. He couldn’t put it into words, really. The strange feeling of sadness and hopelessness in the pit of his stomach that slowly suffocated him was indescribable. Something like being colorblind while constantly getting told just how colorful the world was. Liam didn’t know if it made sense. He was just fighting a war inside his head every day and it was exhausting.

So what he really didn’t need was _this_ and since he didn’t give a fuck about anything anymore by now he suddenly decided to do the unthinkable. He got up, climbed onto the table, crossed his arms and waited until everybody was paying attention to him. 

“Now that everyone is listening, yes, I’m the new one. I got depression and I wanted to kill myself. Now that you guys know, please stop staring at me because I really want to enjoy dinner. Thank you.” Liam announced, rolled his eyes and sat back down next to Louis, whose mouth fell open.

“See, Harry! I told you he’s gonna be my new favorite person!” Louis said, giggling. “You are my ultimate favorite but Liam is a good one. I like you, Liam.”

“Whatever.” Liam mumbled, not feeling hungry anymore. He got up, took his dinner tray and threw the whole thing away, heading for his room. “Fucking psychos.”

When he turned the corner, he accidentally bumped into someone and seriously wanted to scream. “Fuck. Sorry.”

“Can’t you fucking open your eyes, you blind piece of shit?!” the man, wearing a black hoodie, said not even looking up at Liam. Amazing. Another miserable human being. Before Liam got the chance to look at the stranger's face, the slim person had already disappeared again.

“I just want to die.” Liam whispered to himself, when a few seconds later someone suddenly tapped his shoulder. Couldn’t he be alone for at least two goddamn seconds?!

“I just heard what you said and I genuinely think you should talk about it.” a brunette girl said. “Mrs. Walker is always around in case you really need to talk about something. Just ask Diane.” She smiled at him.

“And you are?” Liam wanted to know because he hadn’t seen her before.

“I’m Hailee and before you ask, I got raped. That’s why I’m here.” Hailee announced, taking Liam by surprise.

“I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m Liam.” Liam whispered, wishing nobody ever had to deal with something that horrible. He felt like a fucking fool. While some people had to deal with things such as rape, abuse or personality disorders, he was crying like a baby because he didn’t have proper friends and a dick of a father. Maybe he should get his shit together, honestly.

“Can’t change it right? Trying to deal with it somehow.” Hailee replied, taking Liam’s hand just to give it a light, reassuring squeeze. “You’re stronger than you think you are. Just accept that you’re here and make the best out of it. I saw you hanging out with Louis, Harry and Niall earlier today. They’re great. Just give them a chance.”

“I don’t even belong here, you know?” Liam responded, awkwardly scratching his head. “My life is okay. I feel embarrassed to even mention what my problem is. It’s nothing in comparison to what other people have to deal with. I’m a whiny baby.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hailee wanted to know, sitting down on the little green bench in the middle of the hallway. “I’m a good listener.”

“I’m sure you’re busy.” Liam mumbled, plopping down next to her nevertheless.

“You’re right. Got a job, a boyfriend, great girlfriends and I’m super busy with sports!” Hailee replied, laughing.

“Fuck. I really didn’t want to bother you.” Liam immediately said, feeling horribly guilty all of a sudden.

“Babe, I was joking. Remember where we are? The only thing I’m busy with is trying to tell Niall not to freak out all of the time, drawing stupid pictures and talking to therapists. I got plenty of time!” Hailee reminded him and Liam blushed. Of course. Damn.

Liam nervously fiddled around with the hem of his shirt “I actually forgot. It’s my first _real_ day here.”

Hailee giggled and nodded. “Maybe you should ask me questions then. I could tell you things about the patients, about therapy and stuff to calm you down. It’s really not that bad here.”

“That’s what Louis said.” Liam answered, pulling on the hem of his shirt.

She reached for his hand and gently made him let go of it. “Relax, okay? Right now you’re probably scared and insecure but even though we all got our own problems, we’re there for each other. We’re like a big family actually. Sometimes we’re having so much fun we forget where we are.”

“Nobody ever accepted me for who I am. What if people hate me?” Liam muttered, trying his best not to fiddle around with his shirt again. “I’m gay.”

“Even the weirdest people fit in our family, Liam.” Hailee responded immediately. “And you’re gay. So what?”

“I never said it out loud.” Liam confessed, wondering why he’d just mentioned it. “Not once. The word _gay_ , I mean.”

“Well, then I’m really proud of you.” she reassured him. “There’s literally only one person here who’s a bit of a homophobe but you can ignore him. You usually never get to see him anyway. He’s like a ghost, always wearing black hoodies, doesn’t talk, doesn’t participate in projects and he’s hiding from everybody. I never even spoke to him.”

“Before I met you I bumped into someone wearing a black hoodie. It was a guy.” Liam explained with a questioning look on his face.

“Was probably him. Did he cuss?” she wanted to know and Liam nodded. “Was him then. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that nobody’s gonna judge you around here. Check out a nice ass or flirt with guys. Nobody cares. Louis and Grimmy are gay too, Taylor is bisexual, Harry doesn’t label his sexuality, Kendall is a lesbian and Niall is pan. Most of them had to deal with a lot of shit because of their sexualities so you always got someone to talk to.”

“And you are? An angel?” Liam went into it, not trying to make it sound like a stupid pick-up-line but a serious question.

She got the giggles and shook her head. “No, I’m just trying to help you because when I got here it was Niall who told me the exact same things. Helped a lot, you know?”

“What did I tell you?” Niall, who’d suddenly appeared next to them, asked. “Hailee, you met my new roommate already. Nice.”

“Hey, Niall.” Liam mumbled, biting his lip. Hailee got up, Niall took her place and then she sat down on his lap. Liam was gaping at them. “Hailee is my girlfriend, chill.”

“Really? She seems to be amazing. Congrats. Just managed to calm me down. I’m a nervous wreck, you know?” Liam answered, grinning at them. They were kind of cute. Weird, but cute.

“Yeah, she’s a proper angel.” Niall added, making Liam nod in agreement.

“That’s what he just said.” Hailee agreed. “Just told him that we’re like a big family. He was scared we’d hate him because he’s gay.”

“Bro, don’t worry. We’re all a little gay, aren’t we?” Niall said, taking Hailee’s hand, which was weird. What about that OCD thing?!

“Hailee told me I could ask questions but I feel bad for asking some things.” Liam said, directly looking at Niall.

“Just do it. Don’t think about it. What do you want to know?” Niall asked, waiting for Liam to speak up again.

Liam shrugged. “But you don’t have to answer, okay? I’m just a little bit too curious, I guess.” Niall was still waiting. “Louis told me you got OCD and I don’t know much about it, but he said you’re afraid of germs and stuff like that, right?” Niall nodded and Hailee giggled apparently already knowing what Liam was about to ask. “So why can she sit on your lap and why are you holding hands? Isn’t that something that should, I don’t know, scare or disgust you?”

“That’s a good question actually. I really have bats in the belfry because of my OCD but there’s a little glitch when it comes to her.” Niall answered right away. “I still worry about shit all the time but I don’t know? I’m trying to figure it out myself at the moment. Dr. Walker thinks it’s great.”

“It is great, honey.” Hailee said, squeezing his hand. Niall involuntarily flinched but burst into laughter. “I washed them.”

“Was that for show or legit?” Liam demanded, smiling.

“Legit. I’m _crazy_ , Liam!” Niall answered, laughing very loud. “She just knows what I would’ve asked so she answered my question straight away. And I’m going to wash my hands now.” They all laughed and for a brief second, Liam thought that maybe he’d have an okay time here.

___

Hours later, Liam had changed his mind though. He fucking hated having to deal with depression. Why couldn’t he be the sex addict? Why couldn’t he have to deal with a personality disorder? Why the fucking depression!?

People always thought depression was sadness, crying or dressing in black but they were wrong! It was the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions. Being numb to life, being numb to everything! Liam literally woke up every morning, just to go back to bed again. This was what his life looked like.

Well, would look like, if his god awful father, who forced him to do this and that all of the time wasn’t around. _Go to school. Meet important people. Hang out with your friends. Go to a charity event with your girlfriend. Wear a suit. Be there, when I need you to be there. Look pretty. Talk to my business partner. Work harder. Don’t waste your time. Don’t move out. Make your mother proud. Don’t go to clubs. Don’t drink…yadda yadda._

He always smiled but he wanted to cry. He talked but he wanted to be quiet. He pretended to be happy, but he wasn’t. Hell existed. Liam had seen it.

And right now he just wanted to fall asleep but he couldn’t because Niall was snoring like a grizzly bear. Not sleeping meant thinking about things. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t. “Fuck.” Liam got up and tiptoed outside. Nobody would be in the hallway at ass ‘o clock in the morning, right? He’d be alone there.

“Liam? Where are you going?” a soft voice asked when Liam was about to sit down. Of course, he wouldn’t be alone. Of course not. Louis sat on the floor, knees pulled to his chest. 

“The question is what _you_ are doing? Why are you sitting on the floor?” Liam whispered, plopping down next to him. “I can’t sleep because Niall is snoring. What about you?”

“I think Harry actually hates me and I get it. We’re not talking anymore. I kind of hate him too. He’s a fucking idiot.” Louis suddenly ranted, digging his nails into his skin. What the heck?

“Louis, you’re hurting yourself. Stop that.” Liam mumbled, reaching for his hand. Louis pushed him away.

“Don’t fucking touch me. You’re just as bad as him! You two are probably fucking already and enjoy making me feel like absolute shit. I saw you checking out his ass. I fucking despise Harry for being such a hoe. Only yesterday we fucked in the goddamn bathroom and now he’s letting you take him from behind?! Look at you, Liam. Disgusting, seriously. Get out of my sight, you piece of shit.” Louis yelled, jumped to his feet and ditched him.

The fuck had just happened?

“He doesn’t mean it.” a voice, Liam hadn’t heard before whispered. “He doesn’t hate either of you. Just go to bed and forget what he just said.”

“Why is nobody sleeping?! I can’t even be alone for a minute here!” Liam said, trying his best not to scream. “Why are you hiding?!”

“Doesn’t matter. Just go to bed, okay?” the voice suggested. Why would Liam let anyone tell him what to do? Where was this fucker hiding?!

“Are you the hoodie guy?” Liam asked straightforward. “ _The ghost_ , Hailee mentioned?”

“Ya.” he said before it got quiet again. “I meant it. You’re not the problem. Good night, Liam.”

“Whatever. I don’t even care. Everyone is a fucking psychopath in here.” Liam replied but didn’t get an answer anymore. He rolled his eyes and got back to bed. He’d rather think about all the awful things in the world than spend another second surrounded by totally crazy people.

The next day, Harry woke him up. “Morning sleepy head. Time for breakfast and therapy. Erin told me to wake you up. Your girlfriend is coming over too.” Liam ignored him. He’d definitely stay in bed. Sleep wasn’t just sleep anymore. It was an escape. He’d sleep. For sure. “Liam, I know you want to stay in bed because you’d rather fall asleep than fall apart but somebody is gonna wake you up anyway. Louis, Niall and Hailee are already waiting for you.”

“Fuck Louis.” Liam grumbled, remembering yesterday night. “He hates me.”

“Nah, he doesn’t. Mood swings, Liam. He calls this issue his _inner asshole_. It’s just intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days, you know?” Harry explained and it was the first time Liam realized that, of course, Louis had to fight some demons as well. He wouldn’t be here otherwise. Liam was so dumb.

“Shit.” Liam whispered. “I’m getting up.” He yawned, stretched himself and slowly got out of bed. When he saw himself in the mirror he cringed. “I look awful.”

“Liam, there’s literally no way you could ever look awful. Have you seen yourself? You’re hot.” Harry replied, giggling. “You’re probably one of those guys who don’t even realize just how good looking they are. I’d do you.”

“I fucking heard that.” a voice behind them suddenly interjected. “And I’m keeping an eye on Liam and you from now on. I don’t share.”

“Well, you don’t have to, my love.” Harry said, before he turned around and kissed Louis’ forehead. “I’m yours you just have to say yes.”

“Dating isn’t allowed here and it’s not my thing.” Louis answered, while Liam watched them acting like an old married couple. “I still don’t share though.”

“So you’re not putting a label on it then?” Liam wanted to know because it was more than obvious that these two were in love.

“No. I don’t date. Ever.” Louis answered. “Hey, Liam? Sorry about yesterday. I like you. I’m just weird sometimes. Forgive me?”

“It’s okay.” Liam replied, winking. “So you’re _fucking_.” He just had to tease them. He couldn’t help it.

Louis’ eyes widened and he tried to shut Liam up. “You can’t tell anyone. I meant it. Dating isn’t allowed here!”

“What about Niall and Hailee though?” Liam asked, thinking about how adorable they were. “Hailee was sitting on his lap.”

“Mrs. Walker is making an exception for them. For some kind of reason Niall’s OCD got a glitch!” Harry explained, grinning happily. “I’m happy for them. It’s so cool, that Hailee can touch Niall.”

Liam nodded and got dressed in the meantime. “Yeah I was shocked to see that and I don’t even properly know Niall yet.”

“Right? It’s amazing. But nobody else is allowed to date. So we have to keep this a secret.” Louis continued, making Harry roll his eyes.

“I thought we weren’t dating, babe?” Harry went into it. Liam bubbled over with laughter, which confused him. It had been a while since he genuinely was amused to the point that he had to laugh.

“We aren’t.” Louis grumbled, flipping both of them off. “Just sex. Loads of sex.”

“And a bit of love.” Liam mocked Louis, who all of a sudden rushed out of the room.

“He’s so fucking afraid of abandonment that he’d never admit it, Liam. “It’s a constant swinging from extreme closeness and love to extreme dislike or anger. It’s like idealization versus devaluation. I always imagine that infamous little angel and little devil sitting on his shoulders, fucking with his head.” Harry told him. “I can deal with it, because he can deal with my demons too.”

Liam listened, really did, but he couldn’t process all of this information just yet. “I just woke up and that’s a lot of information. I’d love to know more about him and about you but can we please wait for an hour or something? I’m so exhausted.”

Harry cackled and left the room. “Sure thing, Liam. See you.”

As always Liam couldn’t help but burst out crying. They all seemed to be so happy and so carefree whereas he just wanted to have what they had. Someone who was there for him. Physically he wasn’t alone but mentally? There was no one in sight. He collapsed into bed and buried his face into his pillow. Fuck it.

“You need to get up, Liam.” the familiar voice interrupted his train of thoughts. “I’d suggest you wear a hoodie too. Makes you feel safe, I don’t know. You can somewhat hide your face, you know?”

Before Liam got the chance to see the strangers face, he’d already vanished into thin air. Again.


	4. The Hoodie Guy

It took him 20 minutes to convince himself that he _had_ to get up but when he eventually jumped out of his bed, he realized, that he still didn’t have any clothes. His girlfriend hadn’t come. Amazing. He was about to leave the room when he noticed a black hoodie and a note on top of it in front of his door.

_Your girlfriend was here this morning when you weren’t awake yet. Ask Diane for your stuff. She didn’t bring a hoodie. Take this one. -The Hoodie Guy_

Liam was glad his stuff was finally here but he was also confused. Why would someone who usually didn’t talk to anyone, let alone show up anywhere, suddenly give Liam one of his hoodies? That didn’t make sense at all. He read the note again. _The Hoodie Guy_. Liam had to smile. That guy seemed to be a dork. Why didn’t he just tell him his name? 

“There you are, Liam.” Erin said when she spotted him standing in front of his door. “I was on my way to check on you since you didn’t show up yet. Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry. Took me a while to get out of bed, to be honest.” Liam confessed, quickly shoving the note into the pocket of his jeans. “Not my day, I guess.”

“As long as you get up it’s okay. You can talk about your morning around noon. Dr. Walker is looking forward to talking to you.” Erin answered and gave him a smile. “I also got told to let you know that your girlfriend dropped off your things this morning. She told Diane to say hello and that she’s gonna visit when she’s allowed to do so.”

Liam quickly put on the cozy black hoodie before he replied. “Thanks! Where are they?”

“Don’t worry about your stuff. Diane checked everything and she’ll bring it to your room while you’re having breakfast. If you need something now, go talk to her.” Erin said, winking at him. “First room on the left.”

Liam nodded. “Okay. I’m not that hungry though. A bit too much at the moment.”

“You’ll get used to it.” Erin responded before she left.

A few minutes later Liam put his food tray down on the huge blue table before he plopped down next to Harry. “Sorry I’m running late.” He felt the constant need to explain himself and it was honestly something he hated. He just wished that one day he could just stop vindicating himself for everything he did.

“Pal, it’s not easy to get out of bed when you’re dealing with depression. I’m proud you managed!” Harry answered, patting his shoulder. “When I’m dealing with my depressive episodes I mostly can't bring myself to get out of bed at all. You’re doing great.”

“Thanks.” Liam mumbled, wondering what Harry was talking about. 

“Ask.” Niall just said, observing Liam.

“What?” Liam snapped out of his thoughts.

Hailee nodded and Niall continued. “You want to ask Harry but you don’t have the courage to do so.”

“Oh! About what I just mentioned?” Harry interjected and Liam nodded nervously. “Yeah, just ask. We got this rule here, that everyone can ask everything anytime but if they don’t want to answer they just say so.”

“Okay I’ll try. So I got to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts, Niall got OCD and Hailee told me that…you know. What do you have to deal with?” Liam wanted to know, not being able to bring himself to eat something just yet so he took a sip of water instead.

“Bipolar disorder.” Harry simply stated. “Medication helps a lot though.”

“His is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes but not full-blown manic episodes. While experiencing mania, a person with bipolar disorder may feel an emotional high. They can feel excited, impulsive, euphoric, and full of energy. During manic episodes, they may also engage in behavior such as spending sprees, unprotected sex, and drug use. But hypomania is generally associated with bipolar II disorder. It’s similar to mania, but it’s not as severe. Unlike mania, hypomania may not result in any trouble at work, school, or in social relationships. However, people with hypomania still notice changes in their mood.” Louis explained, sounding like a robot.

“Thank you for that, _Google,_ but I was talking to Harry. I was just about to ask you too.” Liam cheekily said which made Niall bubble over with laughter.

“He calls you _Google_. I’m dying.” Niall cracked up and Hailee giggled too. “That’s the best thing ever.”

“Fuck off, _Neil_.” Louis snapped, crossing his arms. “It’s not my fucking fault that I’m intelligent.”

“ _Google_ knows everything, I know.” Niall continued, making Louis pout. Harry gently took Louis’ hand.

“So what’s _Google’s_ problem?” Liam wanted to know but Louis ignored him. “Louis, what do you have to deal with?”

“Nothing. I’m normal.” Louis snapped. “They talk shit. I’m perfectly fine. No idea.”

“Babe, it doesn’t define you as a person. You can tell him.” Harry reassured him but Louis tapped his forehead at him.

“I’m bored. See you fuckers later.” Louis disappeared before anyone even got the chance to stop him.

“He doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s complicated.” Harry told Liam, who felt horrible for having made Louis feel uncomfortable. “He’s probably gonna avoid you for a while now. Not your fault, okay? He’s overthinking stuff now and freaks out to the point where he makes up things that don’t make sense at all until he calms down again. Just wait it out. You can’t do shit at the moment.”

“Does he hate me now? I didn’t want to be rude.” Liam whispered, on the verge of tears. “I was just joking around. Doesn’t bother me that he knows a lot. Shit.”

“Liam, I wasn’t kidding. You didn’t do anything wrong and you definitely can’t help him right now.” Harry said, trying to make Liam feel better but it didn’t work.

“Bro, his mental illness is marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. He tends to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. It’s a bit complicated to explain. Maybe ask Dr. Walker. Took us ages to get it and there’s still behavior we don’t understand at all. Louis is an amazing person though. Once you understand what makes him tick, you won’t feel bad 24/7 anymore, promise.” Niall added before he suspiciously eyed Liam all of a sudden. “Liam?”

“Yes, Niall?” Liam answered, checking if he accidentally touched him or something. He hadn’t.

“The h-hoodie.” Niall stuttered. “That’s not _your_ hoodie!”

Liam froze. “What?”

“I made sure your clothes were clean when your girlfriend dropped your bag off but _this one_ wasn’t in your bag. Diane always tells me if something is stained or whatever. She didn’t mention this one. Is it clean?” Niall was panicking. “Where did you get it?”

“Calm down, Niall.” Hailee said, but when she wanted to touch Niall, Niall shook his head so she pulled her hand back. “It’s just a hoodie. Someone probably gave it to him. You know all the people here. It’s not from outside. It’s 100% clean.” He took a deep breath and suddenly made sure Liam’s silverware was properly arranged.

“Forks go on the left of the plate, a knife sits at the right of the plate, blade facing toward the plate and the teaspoon sits next to the knife. The handles of all the silverware has to be aligned so that they're parallel and evenly spaced.” Niall mumbled to himself, making Hailee smile broadly. “Don’t look at me like that. It was a mess.”

“Whatever you say, babe.” Hailee replied and Liam watched as Niall did the same thing again, even though he’d already arranged it like a pro before. “Niall, enough. It’s okay.” He nodded and focused on the hoodie again. “Looks like one of _his_ hoodies.”

“Who are you talking about?” Liam asked, even though he already knew. How on earth was he supposed to explain this?

“ _The Hoodie Guy_. We don’t even know his name!” Hailee replied immediately, furrowing her brow. “Did you find it somewhere?”

“Uh yeah. I put it on because I was cold?” Liam lied because he felt the need not to tell anyone about the note.

“Ewww it’s from him? I don’t even know if he washes his hands. He’s such a weirdo. I don’t even know how he manages not to be forced to do what everyone else has to do.” Niall shrieked. “What if he spits on it? What if it’s all sweaty. Liam, take it off.”

“No, I like it.” Liam replied, silently thanking _The Hoodie Guy_ for it. It really made him feel somewhat safe which shouldn’t make sense but it kind of did. “It’s huge, warm and cozy.”

“Can you at least wash it?!” Niall whined and Harry rolled his eyes.

“No, he can’t. Deal with it.” Harry snapped, got up and left.

“He’s probably searching for Louis. He’s so in love with him it’s not funny anymore. He just told you to let him be but he can’t wait things out himself and then he’s hurting like crazy when Louis disses him again until it triggers himself. I can’t with them, seriously.” Hailee said, licking her lower lip. “I have no idea how their relationship is supposed to work out.”

“They’re not dating.” Liam repeated what Louis had said.

Niall pursed his lips. “Of course they are, Liam.” Hailee agreed. “Louis told me he’s in love with Harry. He’s such a freak he already thinks about proposing. Idealization and shit. He’s a dreamer.”

“This is so confusing.” Liam murmured, once again reminded of the fact that he’d never have something like this. He wouldn’t even care if it was as complicated as whatever it was between Louis and Harry. Nobody even knew about him being attracted to men outside of this building. And even if people knew, they’d simply ignore it or even worse, make Liam’s life worse than it already was. He’d never be happy. “See you later.”

___

“Just draw whatever comes to your mind. It doesn’t have to make sense.” Gina, who was responsible for Art Therapy, told Liam. “You can’t make a mistake or anything.”

Liam didn’t feel like drawing at all so he lied. He just didn’t want to do anything right now. He felt like a piece of shit. “I can’t draw.”

“I can’t draw either, Payne. Just do it. You’re annoying.” Louis interrupted them, rolling his eyes like he wanted to jump out at him. Liam wanted him to shut the fuck up, so he told himself once again that it was easier to just stay silent and smile instead of explaining what was going through his mind. Nobody would understand anyway.

“Gotta use the bathroom. I’ll be back in five minutes.” Liam announced, slipping out of the room. He had lied again but he didn’t like feeling pressured into doing something. He needed to be alone for a few minutes beforehand. He collapsed into one of the hallway’s white chairs and tried to pull himself together. He hated the feeling he currently had to deal with. Like wanting to die while in reality he just wanted someone to save him. He buried his face in his hands and before he knew he was crying. He missed the person he used to be so fucking much. Happy and carefree Liam who didn’t give a fuck because he wasn’t alone. Liam was sobbing and completely forgot that he was supposed to go back inside to draw a fucking picture he didn’t want to draw. Art therapy seemed to be completely stupid. What was the purpose of drawing a picture!? How was art supposed to help him? So fucking dumb.

Someone sat down next to him, handing him a tissue. “Don’t look at me or I’ll go.” Liam recognized the voice immediately. _The Hoodie Guy_. “Take it.”

“Thanks.” Liam mumbled, not looking up because he didn’t want to scare the guy away. There had to be a reason why he got asked not to look at him. Liam wanted to know but right now he just accepted the guy's wish. He took the tissue, wiped away his tears and then stared at the wall not speaking up at all.

A few minutes of silence passed until _The Hoodie Guy_  finally spoke up. “Did you know that in Japan broken objects are often repaired with gold? The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history, which adds to its beauty. Maybe consider this when you feel broken.”

“W-what?” Liam stuttered, not believing he was talking about something like that. Liam wanted to hide his face. He’d cried in front of him. So embarrassing, Jesus.

“Did you know that rain falls because the sky can no longer handle its weight?” he continued making Liam furrow his brow. What a weirdo. “Just like how your tears fall because your heart can no longer handle the pain. It’s not embarrassing to cry.” Maybe he wasn’t a weirdo. He seemed to be nice, fuck.

“You’re different.” Liam said because the guy genuinely was.

“I’m an unwanted, suicidal, cutting freak who has a very creative mouth because I hate everyone and don’t give a fuck. I know.” the guy answered with an amused tone.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that.” Liam explained himself. “Different in a good way I guess. You’re not completely overwhelming me like everybody else. They’re all trying to be nice but it’s too much.”

“Ah.” he replied but didn’t say anything else for a few minutes. Liam enjoyed that he wasn’t forced to talk even though someone sat right next to him. “Do you remember the first time we met?”

“What?” Liam asked, scratching his head. He didn’t understand.

“I’d tell you but not right now.” he answered, not helping Liam at all. “I’ll tell you one day.”

“This makes no sense and you know it.” Liam answered, trying to put one and one together.

“Maybe not right now but you’ll eventually understand.” the guy replied, seeming to be deep in thoughts. “Did they force you to draw?”

Liam sighed. “Yeah. I don’t want to draw right now so I told them I couldn’t draw. I lied but I don’t think it makes sense to draw something even though I don’t feel like it.”

He seemed to think about Liam’s words for a while but then suddenly knew what to say. Again. He always seemed to know what to reply. “What’s the first thing that comes to your mind right now? Let’s say you’d draw at home right now. What would you paint?” 

“Locks.” Liam admitted even though he didn’t know where the thought came from. “Probably Locks.”

“Locks to keep you in or them out?” _The Hoodie Guy_ questioned, making Liam think about it for a while. It was a good question and Liam would’ve never thought about it in that way. He would’ve just drawn a goddamn lock and ask himself for hours why he’d chosen to draw a stupid ass lock. Keep you in or them out? Both, probably. He could hide and he could keep people out just so that he could be alone. Locks. Interesting thought.

Liam suddenly knew what to tell him. “Probably both if it makes sense. Sometimes I just want to hide somewhere and be alone but I mostly want to lock some people out of my life.Things would be easier, I guess. Sounds ridiculous, I know.”

“No, it makes sense. I’d use it to lock myself away forever.” he confessed in response and Liam wondered why he would say something like that. Maybe he thought he was a horrible person but Liam didn’t think it was his right to ask. He knew about that asking rule everyone was talking about but for some reason Liam was sure _The Hoodie Guy_ didn’t like it. Liam just went with his gut and decided not to ask questions. Today’s diary entry would be kind of different. Something like _“Dear diary, today I kind of died again but then I met this guy…”_

Just when Liam thought the guy would disappear any second now he spoke up again. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing, I guess.” Liam lied again. He didn’t want to lie but he was just so used to not telling the truth to protect himself or others he didn’t even think about anymore.

“I told you I was a cutting freak and you don’t even seem to mind. How fucked up are the other people here that my confession doesn’t even shock you anymore?” he asked. “I know what most of them are dealing with but they don’t seem to be complete disasters. Louis is a bit complicated but the others seem to be very nice. If I was you I’d be glad they accepted me so quick.”

Liam had told himself not to ask but he couldn’ help it right now. What the guy had just said made no sense. From what he’d heard everyone was welcome here. Why not him? “Why do you never talk to them?” 

“They never talked to me more like.” he informed Liam, who raised an eyebrow immediately. “It makes sense though. I should’ve said hello when one after another came here. I was here before them.”

“Are you shy?” Liam continued, wanting to slap his own face. Why couldn’t he stop?!

He laughed. “My anxiety disorder is a bit of an asshole sometimes. It’s hard for me to talk to people I don’t know yet. It’s a challenge and back then it was ten times worse.”

“But you’re talking to me.” Liam concluded, wondering why the guy was talking to him instead of someone as nice as Niall.

“That’s different. I know you. Nice hoodie, by the way.”Before Liam got the chance to answer the guy got up and disappeared. 

___

“And I ate a _whole_ sandwich but it still wasn’t enough for them. I don’t even know why. It took me half an hour to down it, guys. I’m trying my best but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” Eleanor complained for the fourth time in a row and Liam suddenly understood. Louis had told him she thought he was the only one understanding her and maybe it was right. Whereas everyone had given up on listening and giving her advice he still tried to encourage her.

“It’s because they want you to start enjoying the food instead of almost choking on it, El. You’re trying your best, but not in the right way. As long as you’re disgusted by the food you’re not getting better.” Louis tried to explain it to her once again, when suddenly a new guy entered the room, making everyone paying attention to him instead.

He was tall, looked very nice, had a cute face an light brown hair. He looked completely lost, so Liam waved at him. He knew how that felt like. When the newbie noticed he seemed to be relieved. “Hey there! Come over.” Niall and Louis nodded.

“Uh…hello. I’m…uh…Shawn.” he stuttered, sounding just as nervous as Liam had. “Hi.”

“We don’t bite.” Niall replied, laughing. “Take a seat.” Shawn gratefully smiled at him.

“Don’t touch him though or he’ll hyperventilate.” Hailee teased Niall, who just rolled his eyes. “Welcome here. We’re the crazy squad. If you wanna be part of our group, tell us why they made you stay here.”

“He doesn’t have to tell you anything if he’s not comfortable doing so.” Harry immediately interrupted them and winked at Shawn. “I’m Harry.” He pointed at one after another. “This is Louis, Liam, Niall, Hailee and Eleanor.”

His smile was beautiful and Liam couldn’t help but check him out. He seemed to be younger than him. “Hey everyone. PTSD actually.”

“Oh, you poor thing.” Eleanor pitied him, checking him out as well. Liam somewhat didn’t like Eleanor even though he couldn’t quite figure out why.

“Let’s not talk about it before Shawn here got to deal with flashbacks or shit. Can you guys pull yourself together? PTSD isn’t something that’s easy to deal with, Jesus Christ.” Niall took Shawn under his wings. “And Liam, congrats, guess you’re not interesting anymore.”

Liam knew what Niall meant but it didn’t feel good at all. He’d been annoyed, sure, but people had paid attention to him for the first time in ages. What if they ignored him again from now on? What if he wasn’t interesting anymore for real? He already felt lonely and only thinking about what could possibly happen made him feel sick to his stomach.

“He _is_ interesting.” someone said as they passed by. Liam recognized the voice immediately but nobody else apparently did. As always Liam didn’t get the chance to see the strangers face. He just saw him sitting down at a table across from the room, his back facing Liam.

Louis was the first one to speak up while still gaping at _The Hoodie Guy._ He turned to Liam “What was that?”

“Did he just speak?!” Hailee shrieked, gaping at Liam. “I know he cussed when you bumped into him the other day but he never just talks to anyone!”

“Why does he think you’re interesting? You don’t even know each other!” Harry added, sounding completely surprised.

“I’m confused.” Liam mumbled, not being able to look away. He just stared at someone’s back. Someone who wearing a black hoodie while apparently eating something. “We had a little conversation but nothing else.”

“You what?!” Niall exclaimed sounding taken aback. Everyone seemed to be completely baffled but Liam didn’t understand. Only a few seconds later he realized that the guy had said that Liam was interesting. 

“He thinks you’re interesting, which I think is very juicy since he doesn’t seem to give a fuck about anyone or anything. What did you talk about?” Louis suddenly wanted to know but for some reason, Liam just didn’t want to give it away. What if the stranger wanted him to keep it a secret?

Liam was t _he liar_  of the universe. “Just small talk, Louis. Talked about the weather and shit.”

“Weird.” Eleanor contributed, before she turned to Shawn and smiled. “So, cutie, how old are you?”

Shawn blushed and Liam thought it was adorable but he couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened. “Just turned 20.”

He listened, sure, but he didn’t care. He tried not to think twice about it when he got up,took his food tray, ditched his friends (was he allowed to call them that already?), approached _The Hoodie Guy_ and sat down next to him. He didn’t look at his face remembering the guy’s words. “Hi.”

The guy jumped out of his skin. “What the fuck.”

Liam took a sip of his water. “Sorry didn’t want to scare you. Just saw you sitting here all by yourself so I thought I’d keep you company. Don’t worry, I remember not to look at your face even though I don’t know why.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m ugly. Does it matter?” he snapped, not sounding happy at all. “You know everyone is staring at us right now.”

Liam felt bad. The guy had told him about his anxiety and now he’d drawn everybody’s attention to them sitting there. “I didn’t consider it, sorry.”

“Does it bother you?” he asked instead of ranting about it. “I don’t want them to make you feel uncomfortable. Last time everyone was focused on you, you climbed on the fucking table to call them out. Liked that, by the way.”

“I didn’t think about that either, fuck.” Liam mumbled, suddenly feeling insecure. “It’d be so much easier if I could look at you. Staring at the table top is quite a task”

“You’d probably freak out if you saw my face.” he said, sounding very serious.

“What if we go somewhere else then, so that nobody would see me freaking out? Nobody but you?” Liam tried to convince him but was sure _The Hoodie Guy_ would never agree to that.

He cackled and for some reason, Liam liked the sound of it. He didn’t know why but it sounded familiar. “Look, Liam, I’m not hiding my face because I want to protect myself. I want to protect you from having a heart attack.”

Liam tried his best not to look up, just counted the polka dots on the table (what an ugly pattern for furniture). “What could possibly be there to scare me that much? Is it a scar? Some weird acne? A huge deformed nose? No eyes?”

He got an answer straight away. “No my face looks normal, you dork.”

“Are you wearing a batman mask or something? Is it a tattoo?” Liam continued, trying to figure it out.

 “God, you’re the worst, Liam. I’m getting up now. Going to room 24. If you want to see my face follow in five minutes, okay? And take a deep breath before you come inside. I warned you. Think about it twice. Could fuck with your brain.” he replied.

“You’re dramatic.” Liam replied, but as per usual, the guy was nowhere to be seen anymore. He jumped to his feet, passed by his friends or whatever the hell they were, and rushed outside. Five minutes? He definitely wouldn’t wait. The only problem was, that he had no idea where room 24 was.

He met Erin, who stopped him immediately, in the hallway. “Where are you going? Aren’t you supposed to have lunch and meet Dr. Walker afterwards?”

“Uh…got told to go to room 24? Don’t know where it is though!” Liam said, trying to sound as clueless as possible.

“Oh! Of course. It’s our _Time Out Room_!” Erin immediately said, making Liam raise an eyebrow.

“What is the _Time Out Room_?” Liam wanted to know, having no clue what the room’s purpose could possibly be.

“Some patients sometimes want privacy for a while so Dr. Walker had the idea to make that possible. You tell a nurse you want a time out and then you can stay there for 15 minutes. Someone will tell you when the time is over. Some patients aren’t allowed to go there though. Who told you about it?” Erin answered and Liam all of a sudden felt like jumping for joy. The possibility of being alone sounded like a dream.

He should probably lie about who’d told him about it. He couldn’t just say _the guy wearing a hoodie_ since it sounded weird. “A blonde nurse? Can’t remember her name.”

“Sally maybe. It’s okay. I’ll go check on you in 15 minutes. Third room on the left.” Erin informed him, smiled and left. So he had 15 minutes with _The Hoodie Guy_. Would that be enough time?

When he stood in front of the door, he noticed a blackboard and a piece of chalk. The note above it said “Write down time. We’ll check on you 15 minutes later.” Ah okay. He wroted it down, opened the door and stepped inside.

“That wasn’t five minutes.” the guy, staring out of the window, said, so that Liam couldn’t see his face just yet. “Close the door.” Liam nodded even though the other man couldn’t see it. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Liam replied, sitting down on the little red sofa across from the guy, who was sitting on a white wooden chair that looked very old. “Now what?”

He hesitated for a second. “I’m still not sure if you want to see my face. What if it’s too much? What if you freak out? What if it makes your depression worse? Liam, I really don’t know if you can handle this situation. It’s 100% not what you expect.” He took a deep breath. “Close your eyes.”

Liam followed the instructions. “Did it. What now?” What was he even doing? What if the stranger just mocked him, made fun of him being so gullible? Fuck, was he just making a fool of himself? Someone sat down next to him. Oh. “Are you sitting next to me now?” Of course, he was. Liam was such a moron. What a dumbass question, seriously. He was getting nervous, his heart racing like crazy. “You smell good.” Brain to mouth! Hello?

“Thank you, bumblebee.” the guy whispered, causing Liam’s eyes to involuntarily open within seconds. Nobody had ever called him that. Nobody but… “Oh my god.”

“Don’t faint.” he whispered, insecurely biting his lip. Liam couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything. He just stared into the most beautiful warm eyes that reminded him of melted milk chocolate and gold, eyes that instantly made him feel at home. Before he knew it the eyes he was looking into, welled up with tears. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, fuck.” Liam repeated his words, still not being able to look away for a single second.

“According to the law of aerodynamics, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body is too heavy for its wings, and that’s the simple reason why.“ he whispered in a soft voice and Liam finished his sentence immediately.

“But the bumblebee doesn’t know this, so it flies anyway for all to see. Remember this when you’re losing faith or hope. The impossible can be.” Liam smiled, tears streaming down his face. “Hello, butterfly.”

“Butterflies can’t see their wings. They can’t see how truly beautiful they are.” the black-haired man said, making Liam cry even more.

Liam hugged him as tight as possible and he didn’t even feel bad for instinctively kissing his hair. “But everyone else can see it. You are just like that.”

They couldn’t let go of each other. “Bumblebees fly. Why did you fall?”

“What happened to your wings?” Liam replied, looking at the fresh wounds and old scars all across the other man’s arms. “Still beautiful, okay?”

He nodded and Liam felt his shirt getting wet from all of their tears. “You can still fly, okay?”

“Zayn.” Liam whispered, his heart almost jumping out of his chest. “My butterfly.”


	5. Roommates

And then the door opened. Someone had burst their little bubble within seconds and Liam wanted to scream at them to shut the fucking door and leave them the fuck alone because they hadn’t seen each other in years, but he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. Apparently, Zayn couldn’t either. They just sat there, staring at each other, completely ignoring what was happening around them. Someone awkwardly cleared their throat but instead of snapping out of this kind of trance they smiled at each other and Liam couldn’t help but admire just how perfect Zayn was.

Still was.

He had thick black but perfectly trimmed brows and eyelashes so long, Liam thought they should be illegal. And his eyes were so breathtakingly beautiful, so deep and of such a rich caramel chocolate color that Liam felt the intensity, warmth, honesty, and gentleness radiating from them. This close, he could even see the tiny eye freckle he’d always adored, the eye freckle that had always made Zayn’s eyes even more interesting.

Zayn had grown into his baby face features, his bone structure still fine and perfectly symmetrical but very manly now. He had the kind of face that stopped you in your tracks with some amazing eyes, a cute nose, distinct cheekbones, plump lips, a great jawline and a bit of stubble here and there. The color of his skin made him look devilishly handsome.

He was handsome alright, but on the inside, Liam knew, he was beautiful too. Zayn had always had the heart of a lion and the soul of an angel and Liam knew that the blush that accompanied looking at Zayn was a dead give-away that he still thought Zayn was _the one_. He’d always thought that and had never denied that Zayn was the only one who’d ever made his knees go weak. He’d just never gotten the chance to tell him because of his stupid father.

“Okay, I’m happy Zayn is finally talking to someone but you two know that this is our _Time Out Room_. You’re not supposed to hang out in here, guys. I’m not gonna tell anyone this time, because Liam is new and he didn’t know.” Erin interrupted them once and for all. “I’ll close my eyes now and when I open them this room is empty.”

Zayn and Liam giggled at the same time and rushed out of the room. Without even having to talk about it, they both ran in different directions to not make anyone become suspicious. Liam would definitely find a way to talk to him again later. He would, no matter what.

___

“I really don’t feel like talking today.” Liam said when Dr. Walker asked him why he didn’t just tell her things instead of only answering questions. He just wanted to see Zayn, was that too much to ask for?

“So you’d rather want me to ask you questions? That’s okay too but you should actually just talk about things that cross your mind.” the doctor answered, smiling encouragingly.

“Can I complain, too?” Liam wanted to know, suddenly hitting on a brilliant idea. “Because that’s what I actually feel like.”

“Oh! Of course. You can rant and rave as well. No restrictions in here.” she replied, without lifting the pen from the paper.

“Okay, nice. So I’m sharing a room with Niall, right? The Irish one, who got OCD.” Liam started, trying to find a way to make this sound serious. He liked Niall, he just thought his plan was a good one.

“Yes, I know who you’re referring too. Contrary too you, he just feels more comfortable when I call him Mr. Horan.” Dr. Walker responded, waiting for Liam to continue.

“His name is Horan? Good to know.” Liam mumbled, trying not to focus on Niall’s surname for too long. “Anyway, we’re sharing and a room and it’s actually horrible.”

She wrinkled her brow. “Oh, really? Why’s that?”

“We’re getting along very well, that’s not the problem, really. He’s a nice person and he even managed to make me laugh but I’m having some issues and I feel embarrassed to talk about it.” Liam lied, trying to sound very ashamed. He purposefully bit his lip and stared into space.

“Liam, you can honestly tell me about it. I won’t judge you and I will listen. If there’s a problem, we need to solve it.” Dr. Walker reassured him and Liam just wanted to scream _Bingo!_ but he didn’t.

“I’m not sure.” Liam whispered to make his faked issue sound even more serious. She just nodded at him to make him continue. “I love sleep. It’s like death but without the commitment. I know this might sound stupid, but I want to explain.” he sighed because he actually told the truth right now. “I kind of know it’s bad and not right that the only thing I think about after getting up in the morning is to go back to bed.”

Dr. Walker agreed immediately. “It’s good to know that you’re aware of that.”

“Yeah, but Louis, who happens to know a lot, also told me that depression is a serious condition that can cause a loss of sleep which causes people to overthink and stuff like that. And it’s true. When I can’t sleep I think about so many things I tend to feel even worse. Last time I couldn’t sleep I ended up thinking about ending it all. I mean, you know the story. I told you when I came here.” Liam explained, sounding very serious because he didn’t have to make up things right now.

“Louis is right.” Dr. Walker agreed once again.

“No amount of sleep could cure the tiredness I feel but when I don’t sleep at all I feel like all demons are back and stronger than ever all of a sudden. Like they’re looking for a fight, looking to win. I then always consider to just let them.” Liam confessed, saying the truth. This was his life. These were facts.

“I think I understand. You can’t sleep here. Well, this morning Louis told me that he met you in the hallway at night. I wrote that down to ask you about it.” Dr. Walker concluded. “Does this have to do with Niall?”

No it hadn’t but Liam had a plan, so Niall had to be the reason. He was snoring. Technically he was the problem, right? “I don’t want to say yes, because he seems to be an amazing guy.”

“What is he doing?” she wanted to know.

“I need it to be very silent, to be honest. My unhealthiest coping mechanism was to listen to depressing songs when I was super depressed to increase my depression, which makes no sense, I know. But what I want to say is that I tried not to do that anymore. I kind of got used to it being silent instead. Ugh, sorry. I should stop talking.” Liam murmured, not sure if he was saying the truth or making up shit anymore. Probably a bit of both.

She shook her head. “No keep going, you’re doing great.”

Liam told her another lie but tried to add something that was true too. “Niall is snoring, he’s tossing and turning and he’s sometimes speaking. It freaks me out because it not only scares me a bit but it also prevents me from falling asleep. I can’t stand sharing a room with him.”

“That’s the only issue?” Dr. Walker wanted to know and Liam considered jumping off a cliff. She’d immediately caught him telling lies. Fuck. He nodded. “You could share with someone else. Who are the people you’re currently getting along with? You mentioned Louis, but he’s sharing with Eleanor and I want them to stay roommates because I think it’s working out perfectly fine.”

“I also know Harry and Hailee.” Liam answered, not wanting to mention Zayn just yet. “But I don’t want to share with a girl and Harry told me that sharing with Taylor is great for the both of them.”

“That’s true. Hailee isn’t sharing a room anyway. I don’t think that’s a good idea. Have you met James yet?” she suddenly asked and no, no, no. She wasn’t supposed to suggest someone. 

“I also got to know Zayn, the guy who everyone says never speaks to anyone and is always hiding.” Liam interjected, trying to sound as if didn’t know Zayn at all. He couldn’t fuck this up. He needed this to work out.

“Really?” she questioned, a surprised look on her face. “He didn’t tell me.”

“He didn’t?” Liam asked, wanting to roll his eyes. Of course, he hadn’t. They’d only properly met a few hours ago and he couldn’t wait to see him again.

“No, but that’s actually something I’m pleased to hear.” Dr. Walker replied, writing something down. Suddenly it dawned on Liam. He hadn’t asked Zayn if he was sharing a room with anybody. What if he was happy with his roommate?!

“Zayn usually never pays attention to anybody. Did he speak?” Mrs. Walker wanted to know and Liam nodded. “I think I just had a great idea.” Liam wanted to hear it. “I think it’d be good for the both of you to share a room. Zayn doesn’t like being alone at all, he just didn’t get along with anybody yet and you like the silence, which is perfect since Zayn is a quiet person. What do you think?”

“I mean, yeah, we could try it out?” Liam said, trying to make it sound like a question whereas he was jumping for joy on the inside. He’d be able to spend time with Zayn without causing a stir. Fucking yes!

___

“And it was weird to talk to her, seriously.” Liam told Louis and Harry, who were listening carefully. “She’s intimidating, I don’t know.”

“But what did you say that made her decide against you and Niall sharing a room. I don’t understand. Niall is sad. He really is, Liam. He likes you!” Louis asked, waiting for a good explanation.

Liam couldn’t tell the truth because he really wanted to protect Zayn from people suddenly paying attention to him or even worse. kind of harass him. “I didn’t talk much about him actually?”

Harry turned up his mouth. “That’s weird, honestly. In the beginning, I didn’t want to share with Taylor but when I told Dr. Walker she didn’t even care about my complaints!”

“Well, I didn’t complain? Niall is nice. I like him too.” Liam said, trying everything to sound as sincere as possible.

“And who’s gonna be your new roommate?” Louis asked him, smiling excitedly.

“She didn’t tell me yet. Maybe she wants me to stay alone?” Liam replied, thinking about how Zayn could possibly react to his surprise.

“Unlikely. You’re suffering from depression. She’d never let someone have their own room who’s having to deal with that.” Louis concluded and Liam wanted to tattoo _Google_ on his fucking forehead. Smartass!

“You gotta tell us later, hun.” Harry responded, grabbing Louis hand to suddenly drag him out of the room. “We gotta go.” Harry winked at him and Liam knew exactly what Harry had in mind, when he bit his lip while Louis was complaining about his actions. Ewwww.

“Good.” Liam mumbled to himself.

“What’s good, bumblebee?” someone whispered from behind him. “You’re finally alone. I was waiting, holy Batman.”

“You still say that?” Liam asked, turned around and smiled. “I always asked myself if you did.”

“Of course I do. Batman was our thing back then. I never forgot.” Zayn replied. “Follow me outside, okay? I don’t want people to observe us. Makes me feel uncomfortable.”

“Where’s your room?” Liam wanted to know because he wanted to check it out.

“We can’t go there right now. Getting a new roommate and Erin said they’re currently taking care of the sheets or whatever. I didn’t listen. It annoys the shit out of me that I gotta share now. I pray it’s not gonna be one of the super freaks or James. I’d probably jump out of the window.” Zayn replied, sounding annoyed. Fuck, maybe Liam should’ve asked him beforehand.

“I’m sure it’s gonna be someone you like, someone nice.” Liam mumbled, trying not to give it away. He prayed Zayn would be happy about them sharing from now on.

Zayn crossed his arms and pouted. “I don’t like anybody here, _Leeyum_.” Liam wanted to know if Zayn’s lips would feel soft against his own. Fuck. His stupid ass heart had never stopped loving Zayn. Maybe this was the stupidest idea Liam had ever had. Didn’t Hailee say Zayn was homophobic? Shit. Why hadn’t he thought about this. What if Zayn would hate him if he ever found out that Liam was gay. Suddenly his hands became sweaty.

Liam was nervous. “So you don’t like me either?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I missed you so much, I legit wrote you a letter every week ever since you left. You just never answered a single one of them!” Zayn said, sounding offended and very disappointed at the same time.

“Letters!? What are you even talking about? Nobody ever contacted me. I thought nobody cared that I left.” Liam mumbled, feeling a big fat lump in his throat only thinking about all the wasted years. He couldn’t cry right now. Not in front of Zayn. He had to be strong. From now on he had to be stronger than ever because Zayn was self harming and he had to deal with anxiety. Liam would help Zayn to stop doing that, to deal with it. He would make Zayn become a happy person again. He would.

“I…I wrote you letters. I sent you photos. I drew pictures for you. Did you never get them?” Zayn whispered, voice breaking.

“No, but I did the same thing. Nobody ever answered either.” Liam responded, when Zayn suddenly engulfed him in his arms. “It’s been years.” Zayn didn’t seem to care about the people passing by. He just gave him a bear hug. “I missed you too, Zayn. So fucking much.”

“Don’t ever leave me again.” Zayn whispered, nose pressed against the crook of Liam's neck, his voice sounding very weak.

“Let’s get you to your room before anybody ask questions and makes you feel uncomfortable. Number?” Liam said, carefully making Zayn let go off him. He gently wiped away Zayn’s tears using his thumb and pulled the hood over Zayn’s head to make him feel safe and kind of invisible.

“18 and thank you.” he replied very quiet. “Follow me?” Liam nodded. They arrived in front of room number 18 within about two minutes and Liam didn’t know how to tell Zayn that he’d be his new roommate. He opened the door for Zayn and smiled when he noticed what the smaller guy had done. Drawn pictures all over the walls, a batman pillow on his bed, some books here and there, a bit of chaos on the floor and in the shelves…It kind of felt like seeing Zayn’s room back then even though Liam knew that they actually were in a hospital at the moment. “Here we are. It’s a bit of a mess, sorry.”

“I love it.” Liam replied without even thinking about it twice. “It’s so you.”

“You think so? Mom always brings me stuff to make me feel more comfortable in here. Been here for a while you know?” Zayn said, not even paying attention to his words when he plopped down on his bed.

“I miss her.” Liam admitted, sitting down next to Zayn. “How are they all doing? Are they okay?”

Zayn didn’t get the chance to answer when the door opened and Erin interrupted them once again. “Oh great! I was just looking for you, Liam. I wanted to tell you that you can move in now but I see you’re already here. Where is your stuff?” Zayn’s jaw dropped. Liam froze. “Oh, you were just having a conversation. That’s amazing. See Zayn, I told you that one day you’d talk to someone. I’m getting your stuff, Liam. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She left.

“ _You_?!” Zayn shrieked, eyes wide open.

“Me.” Liam said, nervously biting his lip.

“You’re gonna be my roommate?!” Zayn wanted to know once again. Liam nodded shyly. “Oh my god.”

“Is that a good _Oh my god_ or a bad one? I really wanted to tell you but you didn’t seem too excited to share your room from now on. I should’ve asked you before I tried to convince Dr. Walker. I’m such an idiot. I’m sorry. I know we haven’t seen each other in years and maybe you don’t even want to-“ Liam never finished his sentence because Zayn flung his arms around him so quickly Liam fell over.

Zayn didn’t move, just stayed there, laying on top of Liam.And then they just stared at each other again, smiling so broadly it almost became an akward situtation. Except it didn’t.

“You know we’re never gonna leave this room ever again, right?” Zayn suddenly announced, grinning cheekily. “I’m not gonna share my bumblebee with anyone and I especially don’t want to wake up. This is the first amazing dream I’ve had in...since like forever.”

“You’re not dreaming, Zayn. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’m never gonna leave you again.” Liam replied, trying his best to get his racing heart under control. He had to make sure Zayn would never get to know that Liam was gay. He especially had to make sure not to let his old feelings take ever over again.

They’d be best friends again and nothing more. Liam would make sure of it.


	6. Butterfly

“You’re sharing a room with _The Hoodie Guy_ , Liam.” Hailee whispered, careful not to catch anybody’s attention. “How did that even happen? Does anybody know yet?” Liam shook his head, trying not to grin too broadly. “And you don’t seem to be mad at Dr. Walker.” Liam shook his head again. “Have you two been talking about something yet? Anything, really?” Liam nodded. This time Hailee just gaped at him. “What?!”.

Louis immediately noticed that they were currently sharing a secret. It wasn’t really a secret because people would find out nevertheless within the next few hours but it felt like one. “You guys are hiding something.”

“Not at all.” Liam lied, smiling at Louis, trying to look super innocent. Way too innocent maybe. He shot a glance at Zayn who was sitting on the table across from him, focused on what he was currently drawing. His tongue was out and Liam thought it was the cutest thing on earth.

“That’s why you’re staring at _him_.” Louis concluded and Liam immediately stopped looking at Zayn. Fucking hell, he couldn’t even pull himself together right now. How was he supposed to not be in love with Zayn? On the other hand, he didn’t even know the current Zayn. Maybe he wasn’t the boy he used to be. Maybe Liam wouldn’t even like today’s Zayn. God, why did he never think things through?

“We barely see his face and you’re sharing a room with him. You two had a conversation and you like him. Just admit it, bro.” Louis continued and Liam knew he had no choice but to either tell the truth or make shit up.

“We’re getting along.” Liam said, hoping that’d be enough but Harry just pursed his lips and laughed, making it very clear that they wanted to know more. When Niall furrowed his brow Liam realized he eventually had to continue. Shit. “We’re talking. Content!?”

“What’s his name?! We never even got to know his fucking name and we’ve been here together for months now!” Niall shrieked, making Zayn look at them. Liam’s eyes widened as he looked at Zayn who was slowly shaking his head. So he’d heard the question.

“Uh…I don’t know his name yet. He said it’s not that important to know. I call him Z.” Liam said, making Zayn smile at him before he immediately pulled the hoodie down again.

“Z.” Harry said, nodding.

“Yeah. And we haven’t had proper conversations yet. He’s not that talkative, to be honest. Just talked about the weather and about stupid things such as Batman.” Liam continued, trying to make everything sound legit. Out of the corner of his eye, Liam could see Zayn nodding. So he was okay with that kind of information. Good.

“You need to tell us more if he ever opens up.” Louis answered, making everyone agree within seconds. “Now draw a stupid picture before Gina annoys the shit out of you again. It’s not that difficult. Draw what comes to your mind.”

He still didn’t want to draw anything but Louis’ last sentence reminded him of what Zayn had said. He’d thought about locks. He would’ve drawn locks but right now? He wanted to draw something else. He reached for a pencil and closed his eyes. He could do this, couldn’t he? An outline would be something. He wouldn’t get in trouble for that.

_Butterflies are insects, but large scaly wings set them apart. These wings allow them to fly but only when their body temperature is above 86 degrees._

Liam carefully focused on drawing the butterfly’s slender body.

_The fastest butterflies can fly up to 30 miles per hour._

He focused on the details of the knobbed antennae, trying to make the picture seem as realistic as possible.

_Scientists estimate that there are 28,000 species of butterflies throughout the world._

His favorite thing about butterflies were their wings, broad colorful wings. 

_Most butterflies are found in tropical rainforests, but they can live in all climates and altitudes of the world._

In his imagination the butterfly fluttered up and down, its beautiful wings beating the summer air and he smiled.

_Butterflies are colorful for many reasons. The colors help them attract a mate and absorb heat and the color also helps them blend in among the flowers when they are feeding._

He chose a canary yellow, yellow as a buttercup, a spot as red as holly berries and a bit of dusky sunset orange here and there.

_Despite popular belief, butterfly wings are clear, the colors and patterns we see are made by the reflection of the tiny scales covering them._

Liam tried his best to make the wings seem like fragile colored glass. He barely used any color but it was still enough to make them look breathtakingly beautiful.

_Most butterflies live on the nectar and pollen from flowers._

He decided to draw a huge pink flower, butterfly sitting on top of it.

_Butterflies have a long, flexible, tube-like tongue that goes down into the nectar of the flower. They suck the nectar up through this tongue._

“First of all, you’re a liar. Look at this amazing butterfly! You’re an artist, oh my god! Second, why the fuck are you telling all of us facts about butterflies? Are you obsessed with them? How do you even know that much about insects?!” Harry suddenly interrupted him, making Liam realize that he’d accidentally said everything out loud instead of just thinking about it. Embarrassing.

“I’m sorry? I didn’t even notice. I was so focused on making it look perfect I was kind of…I’m embarrassed.” Liam mumbled, turning red. He quickly looked at Zayn, who didn’t look up at him at all. Okay, maybe he hadn’t heard. Thank god. “I…uh…I love butterflies so I learned that stuff by heart ages ago.”

“I’m proud of you, Liam.” Gina said, checking out Liam’s drawing. “I knew you could draw. Did you think about anything negative within the last 25 minutes you’ve been busy with your butterfly?”

“25 what? It’s only been…I’ve been drawing for almost half an hour?!” Liam asked, completely taken aback. “I didn’t notice!”

“And now tell me again, that art doesn’t help. You’re welcome.” Gina added, making Liam blush even more. She was right. He hadn’t thought about anything else but this butterfly and it had felt…good? “You’re free to go now. See you tomorrow.”

“I’m impressed.” Niall told him, playfully nudging his shoulder. “See you at dinner.”

“Y-yeah.” Liam stuttered, still shocked that it had taken him that long to draw some wings and stuff. He sat there for a few more minutes until everybody, including Zayn, had already left.

“Let’s talk about the butterfly.” Gina said, plopping down on the chair next to Liam, turning her whole body so that she could properly face him. “Was it the first thing that came to your mind? Do you like butterflies? What do you associate with it?”

“Too many questions.” Liam whispered, feeling uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about anything right now. Not thinking about anything for a while had been nice but he just wanted to get back to his room and lay down. He was tired. He could speak about everything but he decided to keep silent as always. He smiled.

“I know that smiling is so much easier than explaining why you’re sad.” Gina all of a sudden replied. “It really doesn’t matter how long it takes you to open up, as long as you do. Do you want to tell me anything about butterflies? No facts, something personal.”

It was something about what Gina had just said, that made Liam speak up eventually. “Can you keep a secret?” She nodded. “I’m…I mean…maybe you’ve heard already but like…” It was so hard to be able to say it out loud. “I’m gay, right?” She encouragingly smiled at him. “And when I was younger I kind of…I was in love with a beautiful boy.”

Gina waited for a second but when Liam didn’t say anything else, she decided to comment on it. “That’s beautiful, Liam.”

“And when I say beautiful, I mean it. As beautiful as a butterfly, more even. I never told him that I fell in love with him. Never got the chance to do it. And I just…I don’t know. I think he was the first thing that came to my mind. It’s always him. Still. Even after all these years.” Liam confessed, licking his lower lip. His heart was racing and his palms were sweating when he was ready to continue. “I just want to let him know. Not having him in my life was one of the main reasons for…like…let’s call it my sadness.”

“I’m sure he’d appreciate if you told him.” Gina replied, reaching for Liam’s drawing. “This boy seems to be very special if he’s only nearly as beautiful as this butterfly.”

“Inside and out.” Liam added when Gina handed him the butterfly. “Can I leave now? I don’t feel very well.”

____

It had taken him at least 10 minutes to bring himself to enter his room, thinking that Zayn would notice straight away that Liam had just told Gina about him. He hadn’t mentioned Zayn’s name but he felt like walking around wearing a shirt with IN LOVE WITH ZAYN printed on it. It was ridiculous.

“I was waiting for you.” Zayn mumbled when Liam finally collapsed in his bed without saying anything. “Took you ages to get out of art therapy.”

“Gina wanted to talk to me.” Liam admitted, praying Zayn wouldn’t go into it.

“Whatever.” Zayn whispered, got up and laid down next to Liam without so much of a warning. “Can I?” Could he what? What did he want to do? Liam nodded and Zayn snuggled up against him. It felt right, so so right. “You smell like back then.”

“You too.” Liam answered, wrapping his arm around Zayn’s shoulders. “What did you draw? You were so busy drawing, you didn’t even notice your tongue was out.”

“It wasn’t!” Zayn defended himself.

“It was, Zayn!” Liam countered. “You looked like a puppy!”

“Did not!” Zayn shrieked, turning red. “I didn’t draw anything.”

Liam laughed.“Why are you lying? You didn’t pay attention to anybody or anything!”

“A fucking bumblebee.” Zayn replied, sticking his tongue out at Liam. “There! I drew a bumblebee and you drew a butterfly. We’re literally the fucking worst. Your butterfly looked stunning. I saw it when I left the room. You’re talented.”

“You did?” Liam went into it, not believing his ears. “Because of me?”

“Yes, because of you!” Zayn squeaked, hiding his face in the crook of Liam’s neck once again. God, Liam wanted to die. In a good way this time.

They didn’t say anything for quite some time, Liam staring at the ceiling and Zayn pressing himself against Liam. “I don’t want to wear that hoodie all of the time.”

“What?” Liam said quietly. “Then don’t?”

“I have to though.” Zayn responded, sounding sad now. “They’d all think I’m a fucking freak. I mean I am one but…You’re the first one I can tell about this. I’m just scared you’ll run away if I tell you. Or show you everything.”

Liam took a deep breath, because only thinking about Zayn hurting himself so bad that he thought he had to hide whatever it was, made Liam want to burst out crying. “You can tell me everything and whenever you’re ready for it, you can also show me. I won’t judge you. I never did and I never will. We might haven’t seen each other in years but I’m still the Liam you used to know, Zayn. I never really changed, just pretended to be someone else because…I mean…” Liam teared up and he felt ashamed of it. “You know how shitty my parents are.”

“Ya.” Zayn replied, with a very soft voice. “I know.” Zayn turned his head, looking straight into Liam’s eyes. “I almost died once.” Liam stayed quiet. “I kind of…I hurt myself on the outside to kill the monster on the inside. And I want to stop, really do but Dr. Walker told me that it’s an addiction and that it’s not my fault. I never cut too deep and never enough to die but…I think I sound crazy.”

“No, you don’t, butterfly. You can tell me. I promise I’ll listen.” Liam told him, kissed his forehead and just looked into his eyes, trying to make him feel safe.

“It’s not deep enough to kill myself but enough to feel the pain. And I got it under control except for twice a year. On your birthday and…I mean…the date you left.” Zayn explained. Liam pulled him closer. “You don’t know what I’ve been through and I never got the chance to tell you because you just disappeared without a warning. And even if you would’ve stayed I could’ve never told you.”

Liam was crying and for the first time in ages, he wasn’t crying because of himself. It didn’t feel wrong and embarrassing, it felt right. “Fuck.”

Zayn’s eyes welled up with tears. “I didn’t want to wake up anymore. I didn’t want to get out of bed anymore and I didn’t want to keep trying. I didn’t want to feel what I felt anymore. I just wanted to give up. It was so hard to wait for something I realized would never happen and was even harder to give something up which meant everything to me. So I just wanted to go away and disappear.”

“What were you waiting for?” Liam wanted to know, trying to make Zayn continue because he apparently needed to get it off his chest.

Zayn almost choked on his next words. “For you. I was waiting for you to come back. I was supposed to give up on you to keep on going but I couldn’t do it.”

“Oh my god.” Liam mumbled, tears streaming down his face. All of this was _his_ fault?! “I never wanted to leave. I never…I…I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life.”

“What do you mean?” Zayn asked, furrowing his brow. Liam was an idiot. He was a fucking moron. “Be with me?” Yes! Liam wanted to scream it out loud but he didn’t say a word. “I almost died on your birthday.”

And that was too much for Liam. “It’s my fault that you’re hurting yourself. I should’ve fucking jumped. I’m the worst person on the planet.”

Zayn gently took Liam’s hand. “I’m glad you didn’t jump. And It’s definitely not your fault. Not…not yours. If anything, thinking about you kept me alive. Why do you think that I wanted to give up when I realized I’d never see you again?” 

Liam found it almost funny that they were here for the same reason. Not quite but somehow still. “I realized I couldn’t live without your family and especially not without you. I tried my best, really did. Every day I got up and told myself that one day I’d see you again. I managed to get through the day telling everybody that I was fine while in reality I barely made it out of bed, wanted to scream and yell. And then that one day, I was sick of crying and tired of trying. I was smiling but on the inside, I was dying so I decided that even though I was scared of dying I was tired of living. I genuinely thought I didn’t want to jump until now but to be honest, I did.” Liam had said it out loud. He hadn’t said it because someone had expected him to confess, but because he knew he could always be honest when it came to Zayn.

“Liam.” Zayn whispered, bawling his eyes out. “Liam, I need to tell you something. You’ll probably freak out and you’ll never believe me but I need to get it off my chest already. I swear It’s killing me on the inside.”

“Everything, really. I just feel the same and I know that if I don’t tell you now I never will. Is it okay if I…please?” Liam interrupted, taking all courage possible. How on earth would it ever be possible for them to go back to being friends if Liam wasn’t honest from the beginning? If Zayn was the homophobe he was said to be, Liam would know within the next five minutes. And he’d fight to be friends with Zayn. He’d make him realize that being homophobic was shit. He’d tell him that he didn’t expect them to date now or anything. He just…”I never got the chance to tell you how fucking much I was in love with you.”

Zayn jumped to his feet as if stung by an adder and before Liam got the chance to react, Zayn suddenly flopped down to the ground, shaking like crazy. Liam probably should’ve called for a nurse but he just sat down behind him and pulled him in his arms, slowly swaying them back and forth. Zayn was weeping bitterly, gasping for air and digging his fingernails in his arm. Liam let him. He just let him. He didn’t fucking care what he’d just told Zayn, just kissed the back of his head and carefully caressed his upper arm with his thumb.

Maybe Liam had had to see the darkness before being able to see the light (again). Zayn was the light. All he’d wanted was for the pain to seem purposeful. He hadn’t felt alright for a really long time, not even a bit. But maybe life was too short to spend another day at war with himself. Maybe he should fight for Zayn now. Maybe this had been the purpose of all this shit. Maybe he was supposed to reach rock bottom in order to meet Zayn again.

What if he was supposed to not only commit to getting better for his life’s sake but also for Zayn's? Maybe they wouldn’t be okay today, maybe not tomorrow or even in a year. But what if eventually, things would turn up? What if they’d get better and would be able to look back saying _We made it_.

“Zayn?” Liam said, feeling strong for a few seconds. “Maybe I’m still in love with you.”

“Maybe I fucking hate you.” Zayn replied, pushing him away.


	7. Hate Is A Strong Word

“Hate is a strong word.” Liam mumbled while sitting on the floor feeling punched in the face. Zayn hated him? Because of feelings? Because he was into men? Maybe Hailee had been right. Maybe he was a homophobic piece of shit. His Zayn. “But I guess I’m used to people hating me for being gay. My own dad does too even though I never actually told him. I probably can’t hold it against you. I’ll tell Dr. Walker that sharing with you wasn’t a good idea. Maybe I’ll move in with Niall again. If you want me to…you know… I’ll only cross your path when it’s inevitable. I’m sorry.” What the fuck was he saying? What about fighting four their friendship? Why was he like that?! Such a fucking coward. “I’m sorry I bothered you.”

“I hate you so so fucking much, Liam.” Zayn yelled, plopping down next to him. “So fucking much.”

“I got it.” Liam whispered, staring into space. “I should’ve kept it a secret.”

“You are so stupid.” Zayn ranted, pushing him again. Liam let him. “Why are you so fucking stupid?!” Liam didn’t know either. “Why did you have to tell me _now_? Why now?!” Yeah, why? Liam asked himself the same thing, regretting it. “You’re so stupid.”

Liam just sat there, completely frozen, from both fear and sadness. “I’m an idiot. I’ll leave. Just give me a second.”

“You’re so fucking stupid.” Zayn said again before he grabbed the collar of Liam’s shirt and pulled him closer. Zayn leaned in so that his forehead rested against Liam’s. “Stupid.” Liam didn’t know what was happening. He was confused, so it wasn’t a surprise that he couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his face all of a sudden. Zayn closed his eyes. “Why now?”

“I don’t fucking know, okay? Zayn, I got it. I’m a fucking stupid idiot and I ruined everything before we even got the chance to become friends again.” Liam yelled back, clenching his fists. Zayn didn’t let go of his shirt.

“I don’t want to be friends.” Zayn whispered and Liam wished he would’ve just jumped. He could’ve remembered the Zayn he’d been in love with, the good times and all that but no, he was alive and had to experience Zayn hating him. “Ever since I was 14 I didn’t want to be friends with you anymore. For two fucking years, I had to pretend that we were nothing but friends. I hate being friends with you.”

“W-what?” Liam stammered, trying to comprehend. “What?!”

“I’ve been in love with you ever since I was 14, maybe even earlier you fucking moron. You just never seemed to be interested! You were dating that stupid girl! You kissed her in front of me, Liam. You being straight as a ruler killed me every day! And I never even got the chance to tell you that I loved you because you disappeared out of nowhere. I thought you would tell me that you loved me as a friend and _not like that_  and that we’d still be friends but you disappeared and now you tell me that you’ve been in love with me too? We could’ve been dating for years now. We could’ve run away from your awful father! Liam, I couldn’t live without you because I couldn’t get over my feelings for you. I had sex with dozens of people, acting like a fucking slut because I wanted to fill that hole in my heart. When I saw you here for the first time I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t want you to see me like that, like the freak I am, because when I laid eyes on you again my heart was racing like a fucking Maserati. Look at you, you attractive idiot. You’re not only cute anymore you’re hot! You look like the Liam in my goddamn wet dreams! And you’re still you! You’re still everything I’ve always dreamed about but even more! That’s why I fucking hate you. And I swear to god if you leave or anything I’ll freak out!” Zayn rambled, voice wavering, from the tension between them.

Before Liam got so much of a second to think about what Zayn had just said, Zayn had already slammed his lips to Liam’s, nearly knocking all wind from his lungs.He hardly had a moment to react before Zayn pressed his tongue to the seam of his lips, his arms reaching up, tangling around Liam’s thick, strong neck. And then they were kissing passionately, making Liam’s body tremble all over. 

He was hit like a ton of bricks because Zayn was _kissing_ him.

They pulled apart to take shaky, shallow breaths but they couldn’t contain themselves any longer having waited for years to do this. Liam pulled Zayn on top of him, hands working their way around Zayn’s body, just to _feel, feel, feel._ His heart fluttered inside his chest. Zayn lips were warm and tasted of mint. Liam thought that maybe Zayn hadbeen chewing gum earlier but he didn’t care anymore when Zayn suddenly ran his lips up Liam’s neck just to then kiss him over and over again.

When they finally pulled apart, they were just staring deep into each other's eyes, smilingdopey, Zayn sitting in Liam’s lap like he belonged there.

“I love you.” Zayn whispered, out of the blue. Liam didn’t think he’d just tell him like that but he was happy they hadn’t had to hold back anymore.

“I love you, too. Probably always have, just like you.” Liam answered, touching his cheeks that were slowly turning red. “You’re blushing. It’s adorable.” Liam smiled and leaned in again.

This time it was a slow and soft kiss, comforting in ways that words could never explain. Sparks flew in every direction and somehow the world was slowly disappearing around them, along with all of their worries, troubles and problems. At least for a few seconds.

___

It knocked on the door an hour later and literally made them realize again where they were. Liam had completely forgotten within the last 60 minutes of laying in bed with Zayn,with their bodies entwined and their lips constantly touching. He didn’t want to let go of him. He wouldn’t let this happen. He wanted to stay here with him forever, laying in bed, not caring about a thing.

“Liam.” Zayn whispered, their breaths mingling. “We have to.” Liam shook his head. “We’ll sleep in the same bed later, promise.” Liam smiled, eyes still closed. “Come on, you oaf. I don’t want them to know. It’s a thing between us.”

“Can’t we run away now? We didn’t get the chance to do it back then, let’s do it now.” Liam suggested, knowing damn well that it was just wishful thinking. “I’m not in the mood for therapy. What if I accidentally tell Dr. Walker?”

“You won’t.” Zayn responded, pecking his lips. He sat back up. “Come in!" Liam sighed when the door slowly opened.

“Hi!” Louis said, surprising not only Liam but Zayn as well. Liam had expected a nurse to wait for them, not Louis. Shit. “I wanted to…uh…Liam.”

“Yeah. I’m here. And no, I don’t want to leave this room. Fuck off, Louis.” Liam ranted, not thinking about his words.

“That’s rude, Liam. Just let him speak.” Zayn interrupted, making Louis’ jaw drop.

“You can speak!” Louis shrieked, closing the door behind him, leaning against the door, so that nobody else could enter the room. “Liam, you were right. He speaks!”

“I can hear you, you know. Hi, Louis.” Zayn said, chuckling. “I can speak.” Liam just gaped at the both of them.

“You know my name?!” Louis asked with a high pitched voice.

“I know all of your names. I’ve been here for a long time, haven’t I?” Zayn answered, biting his lip. Liam knew this conversation was a big deal for Zayn. This wasn’t his comfort zone at all. “I’m Zayn.” Had he just told Louis his name? The fuck?!

“Zayn.” Louis repeated, before he grinned. “Guess Liam here does you good. Makes you become one of us. Nice to meet you, Zayn!”

“Uh…yeah. You too.” Zayn mumbled, somewhat hiding behind Liam’s body now. Liam wanted to protect him so bad, especially when he noticed how Zayn desperately tried to pull his sleeves down to hide the cuts. Nobody but Liam knew.

“I do that too, you know.” Louis suddenly said, sitting down next to Zayn and Liam without asking for permission. “You don’t have to hide your arms. I do that too.”

“W-what?” Zayn stuttered and Liam sneakily touched his back to somewhat make him feel better.

“You just wanted to hide your arms so I figured you self-harm. And since I know how that’s like because of my _Borderline Personality Disorde_ r, I thought I could tell you that you don’t have to hide it from me. I don’t think you’re a freak or something because I get it.” Louis responded, trying to be nothing but nice.

So that was what Louis had to deal with and usually avoided to mention. Okay. Liam had to ask Harry questions, definitely. He didn't know shit about that disorder.

Liam could feel how much Zayn was shaking though, so he didn’t care if Louis would see or not. He took Zayn’s and and squeezed in in a reassuring way.

“You’re gonna be okay, butterfly.” Liam mumbled, blushing. He knew Louis was smart, knew he could put one and one togther but he didn’t give a damn. Zayn was his number one priority and if holding his hand and calling him that would help, Liam would do it no matter what.

“Y-you d-do that, too?” Zayn asked with a shaky voice, pressing himself against Liam. He didn’t seem to care either. Liam wrapped his arm around Zayn’s waist, well aware of the fact that Louis was observing them.

“Not right now but I did. Not my arms though. My legs mostly.” Louis replied, shrugging. “I’m not judging you because cutting isn’t actually a sign of weakness, you know? Quite the opposite is the case. You don’t want to just give up, so you cut yourself instead. One cut is all it takes to start an addiction, Zayn. It’s just like being addicted to drugs, alcohol or sex, you know?” Zayn didn’t say anything. Neither did Liam. “I promise you, that one day you’ll want to stop. And then you’ll realize that seeing scars fade is a sign of stregth and not a reason for more.”

“I just wanted to give up. Does that make me weak?” Liam suddenly asked because he couldn’t forget what Louis had just said.

“No, you’re dealing with depression, Liam. That'd different. I don’t think that your bad days are a sign of weakness. Aren’t those the days you’re fighting the hardest? I think you were just exhausted from trying to be stronger than you feel.” Louis casually said as if it meant nothing whereas for Liam it suddenly meant everything. He’d nailed it.

Liam had been exhausted, had felt like everbody else was able to move on with their lives while he was stuck in a hole he couldn’t climb out of. "Yeah."

“If I had to guess I’d say you’ve been lonely, Liam.” Louis announced. “And I know for a fact that loneliness is the worst feeling ever. That feeling that no one cares even though people are around. It's a consuming feeling. Took me ages to realize that we sometimes think we want to disappear while all we want in reality is to to be found.”

“Who are you!?” Zayn all of a sudden asked, just staring at Louis. “You don’t seem to belong here. You seem to be so normal, so…I don’t know.”

“I wish I was.” Louis confessed, winking at Zayn. “I’m fucking crazy but Harry says I’m lovable so I got that going for me which is nice.”

“I’m assuming you’re talking about Harry, your boyfriend, not the other one here.” Zayn casually mentioned. Liam’s eyes widened wanting Zayn to stop talking because he knew Louis didn’t like talking about feelings and stuff but Zayn didn’t get it. “Saw you two trying to be sneaky here and there but you’re not exactly subtle. Everyone knows you’re dating.” Louis gaped at him in disbelief but didn’t jump to his feet to run away straight away. “When you guys look at each other I see it. See how much you two are in love with each other. It’s sweet.”

“They’re not dating.” Liam said, trying to remedy the situation.

“Are you nuts, Liam? Of course, we’re dating!” Louis snapped.

“I thought you didn’t date?!” Liam asked, giggling.

“Fuck off. Nobody has to know!” Louis responded, laughing as well. “This is a hospital, not a dating show. Niall is dating Hailee, even though he’s lately checking out that new guy Shawn, I’m dating Harry and you two just made out before I interrupted. What kind of successful dating show is this?" 

“Did not!” Zayn and Liam denied in unison before they burst out laughing.

“Keep telling yourselves that.” Louis said, standing up. “In case you want to fuck, I suggest you to lock the door using the chair, go to the bathroom or ask me how to sneak out.” With that, he left.

“Do you think he’s gonna tell anyone?” Zayn asked a few seconds later.

“Nah.” Liam said, wrapping his arms around Zayn to hug him. “I’m so proud of you. You’re slowly spreading your wings again which means you’ll learn to fly again soon.”

“You’re way too much into butterfly metaphors and facts, bumblebee.” Zayn answered, smiling slightly. “You make me feel stronger. I was scared of talking to him but I’m glad I did it. I guessed Louis was nice but now I know”

“And I know you’re a little creep, observing how people are making out and stuff. A bit stalkerish, don’t you think so?” Liam mocked him, cackling.

“Liam, they genuinely think they’re being subtle, while in reality, they kiss all the time and even fuck in the staff’s room or broom closet!” Zayn explained, facepalming. “I’m not stalking anybody.”

“You can stalk me all the time. I don’t mind.” Liam replied, winking.

“You’re the worst boyfriend ever.” Zayn said, covering his mouth in shock when he realized what he’d just said.

“So you’re my boyfriend now? God we’re rushing things, aren’t we?” Liam said, biting his lip in fake embarrassment. “Don’t look at me like that! I was joking, babe!”

“So now I’m your babe?” Zayn mocked him back.

Liam crossed his arms and stuck out his tongue. “Fuck you.”

“I’d now usually say _fuck me_ , but that would be rushing things for sure.” Zayn announced taking Liam by surprise.

He bit his tongue. “Ouch.”

Instead of pitying him, Zayn laughed. “Only thinking about it made you bite your tongue? Holy batman.”

Liam took a deep breath. “Sorry to break it to you, but this is like one of my dreams. I confess my love, you suddenly tell me you’re in love with me too, we kiss each other and cuddle, we kiss again, we’re suddenly boyfriends…”

“You suddenly ask me to fuck you.” Zayn finished Liam’s sentence.

“Yeah, that.” Liam replied, laughing out loud. “But I’d rather not have sex yet to be honest.”

“Thank god, because even though I like the imagination of you being naked, I’m definitely not ready for that.” Zayn countered, kissing Liam’s nose.

Liam was relieved. “Good.”

“Yeah.” Zayn mumbled, sounding weird all of a sudden, apparently thinking about something. “Anyway. What I wanted to say is that I don’t think it’s rushed being boyfriends already, because we’ve both been waiting for years! Technically we’re 85 years old, finding out we could’ve been married yet, shortly before we die.”

Liam rolled his eyes. “Bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

Zayn opened his mouth to say something but he didn’t. He playfully shoved Liam and smirked. “Not at all.”

“Do you really think we could've been married already?” Liam mumbled, not wanting to sound ridiculous even though he probably did.

“I’ve always imagined that.” Zayn confessed, turning red.

“Thank fucking god, because I did too.” Liam admitted, making both of them get the giggles immediately. “Hey, Zayn?”

“Yeah?” Zayn whispered, looking at him with puppy eyes, waiting for the big question.

“Are you ready to fight a war?” Liam wanted to know, taking both of Zayn’s hands. “And if we’re winning, even though it’s not not today or tomorrow, we’ll get married.”

“That’s ridiculous, babe.” Zayn said, smiling broadly. “But, okay. Let’s win that war against ourselves then, because I sure as hell want to hear you say _Yes I do._ ”

“Technically we’ve really been dating for years in our imaginations. Maybe you were right.” Liam answered, gently pressing his lips against Zayn’s. “I really do love you, you know?”

Zayn kissed him back. “And I love you.”


	8. Numb

For some weird reason, Liam felt like shit today. It didn’t help that Zayn was sitting across from him, sneakily smiling or even winking at him from time to time. It didn’t help that Louis was cracking jokes or that Harry was having the best mood ever. It didn’t help that Niall was humming a nice melody while Hailee was playing the guitar. It didn’t help that he finally got to know other patients who seemed to be very nice or that he saw Eleanor voluntarily eating a piece of cake in the morning. It didn’t even help to talk to Dr. Walker. Nothing fucking helped Liam today. 

He felt so disconnected from the world, he couldn’t put it into words. Like nobody noticed him or cared. He knew it made no sense but that’s what he felt. He felt alone even though he clearly wasn’t. He didn’t know if it was a force of habit or a very bad day, because there he was, sitting right across from him. Zayn, the love of his life. His boyfriend now. Liam should be beyond happy, shouldn’t he?!

“Harry?” Liam suddenly asked, wanting to punch himself in the face. Why couldn’t he keep his big mouth shut? “Can I talk to you?” No this wasn’t a good idea. It wasn’t. Liam should change his mind real quick, make up an excuse or shit. “To you only?” He was an absolute idiot.

“Sure, Liam.” Harry immediately replied, smiling at him. “We can’t leave the room but see that little sofa over there? Let’s go there and talk.”

“About what?” Louis wanted to know, raising his eyebrows. “I want to know too.”

“No, you don’t.” Harry shut him up, trying to sound nice nevertheless. “He’s not interested in me. Get that out of your head. He’s constantly checking out _Hoodie Guy_ over there, aren’t you, Liam?”

“Uh…what? No, I’m not interested in Harry.” he said, nodding in agreement before he suddenly felt bad. Maybe it sounded rude. Harry was an attractive man after all. “It’s not like he’s not good looking or hot. Just not my type. You are, Harry. Good looking I mean. And nice.”

Louis huffed and out of the corner of his eye, Liam could see Zayn trying his best not to burst out laughing. Fucking rambling. Liam hated it. Why couldn’t he control his stupid mouth?

“Whatever you say, honey.” Harry replied, dragging him along. They sat down on the sofa to have some privacy while the others were currently talking about instruments. Of course, they were. Music Therapy. Liam wasn’t sure if he like it or not. “What’s up? Why me?”

“You’re the only one who could possibly understand my problem.” Liam mumbled, blushing a bit. “You got those depressive episodes, right?” Harry nodded, waiting for Liam to continue. “I feel numb. I don’t care about anything or anybody today. I think everyone ignores or even hates me. Is that normal?”

“Yeah, it is. Kind of, I’d say.” Harry replied, thinking for a few seconds. “Why do you think that?”

“Isn’t that the whole problem, that I don’t think? When you’re feeling depressed you can’t think.” Liam said, biting his lip way too hard.

“First of all stop biting your lip. Don’t pull a Louis. I don’t like that. Second, that’s bullshit. You feel like that but it’s not true. You can think. You just have to learn it. Ask Dr. Walker for an S.O.S.” Harry answered, trying to help Liam out.

“What’s an S.O.S.?” Liam asked, scratching his head in confusion.

“You get to talk to her anyway but when you ask for an S.O.S you can just talk to her again for as long as you need to. It’s not just 45 minutes then. I thought I didn’t need that in the beginning, even found it stupid but believe me that it’s the best thing when you’re feeling really down. If she doesn’t have time because of another patient, Dr. Brown takes over. He’s great too. Maybe you should just talk to him!” Harry explained but Liam didn’t properly listen anymore when he noticed that Louis sat down next to Zayn, making Zayn flinch. Straight away he noticed how uncomfortable his boy felt, so he jumped to his feet, ditched Harry and approached them.

It was the first time he cared about something today.

“Harry wants you to sit down next to him.” Liam lied, plopping down next to Zayn. “Now.” Louis rolled his eyes but before he even got the chance to speak up Liam did. “Or I’ll flirt with him.”

“Fuck you, Liam.” Louis snapped and left them within seconds.

“Thank you.” Zayn whispered, pulling the black hood lower. “I can’t do this. They’re all looking.”

“You’re gonna be okay, butterfly.” Liam whispered back, letting Zayn hide behind him. “I’m gonna tell Louis to leave you alone. You talked to him and all that but whatever you do is your decision. And it’s especially on you when you want something to happen next, not his.” 

“I don’t want people to stare at me. Make them stop.” Zayn whined, pretending to search for something so that he could hide even more behind Liam. “I’m…I can’t.” Liam got up, not thinking about the fact that everybody could see Zayn now. He looked at the people, took a deep breath and started singing, making everyone gape at him in disbelief. Fucking music therapy. Fucking Zayn. Fucking psychopaths in here. Fucking singing. Fucking voice. Why was he doing this for fuck’s sake?!

“Mr. Payne!” Laura, the therapist, shrieked. “You’re an amazing singer!” Liam wanted to die, but seeing that Zayn had managed to sneak out of the room was worth it. Fucking hell. 

“This was my contribution. That’s the instrument I chose. Can I leave then?” Liam asked, trying to sound self-confident. The things Zayn made him do…holy shit.

She couldn’t close her mouth and just nodded, so Liam jumped to his feet and ran outside. The task had been to find an instrument they could play or wanted to learn how to play. He could sing. Problem solved.

He was done for today. Literally.

___

“You owe me something.” Liam muttered when he closed the door behind him and collapsed into bed to just to close his eyes already. He was so exhausted. “At least two kisses.” Zayn didn’t respond. “Or three.” Nothing. He opened his eyes. “Where even are you?”

He got up, opened the bathroom’s door and almost fainted when he saw Zayn sitting on the floor. “Zayn what the hell are you doing?! Oh my god.”

“Sorry.” Zayn whispered but Liam could barely hear him.

“Don’t fucking apologize. I’m just….why?” Liam stuttered, not being able to look away. Zayn was sitting on the floor and he was bleeding. “I don’t know what to do. Oh my god, I don’t know what to do, Zayn.” Liam was freaking out when he kneeled down next to him, his eyes almost as still as some billboard poster. 

“Butterfly, what are you doing?” He didn’t say a word. “Where did you even…it doesn’t matter.” Zayn dropped the shard while staring into space. “I’m gonna call a nurse, okay?” He shook his head. 

“Baby, we need to take care of this.” Liam didn’t want to look, he didn’t but he had to. “Can I?” Zayn didn’t move, didn’t speak. He just sat there, completely frozen. “I’m gonna touch you, yeah?” Nothing. Liam carefully lifted up Zayn’s arm to look at the wound and he almost lost it because all he could see was a red line close to Zayn’s wrist, that was bleeding, drop after drop running down his arm. Fuck.

Liam moved as if someone else was controlling him because he had to. Zayn’s eyes were wide, looking right at him, but not really.

He kissed Zayn’s wrist, careful not to touch the wound, got up, reached for the little red emergency bag Zayn had mentioned last night, sat back down next to him, opened the bag, took out something to stop the wound from bleeding, carefully cleaned it, bandaged it,  kissed his wrist again and then pulled the sleeve back over Zayn’s arm.

He tried his best not to cry when he lifted him up from the ground just to carry him to his own bed. There, leaning against the wall, he pulled Zayn in his arms and started humming a song Zayn’s mom had always sung for them before going to bed. “I love you. It’s okay. You're gonna be okay. I'm here. I love you. We're both gonna be okay. I promise.”

Someone knocked on the door about 10 minutes later and usually Liam would’ve flinched but since Zayn had fallen asleep he didn’t move or speak up at all, just let the person enter the room.

Erin looked at them, smiled and sat down on the chair across from the bed. “Did he fall asleep?” Liam nodded. “And he let’s you touch him.” Liam nodded again, being glad she was whispering. “He cut himself, didn’t he?” Liam nodded, moving like a robot. He didn’t want to think about it. He just stared at Erin, eyes probably looking empty. “You didn’t call me.” Liam shook his head. “Did he take care of it?” He denied again. “ _You_ did?” He nodded. “You're in shock.” Liam nodded but didn’t look into Erin’s eyes. “It’s time for dinner.” Liam shook his head, not wanting to wake up Zayn. “I’m afraid we have to wake him up. It’s the rules, Liam. You can’t skip meals. Ever.”

“Can’t I let him sleep, go eat dinner and bring him something to eat later?” Liam whispered back, trying to convince Erin.

“I’m happy he’s got a friend now but I’m afraid Dr. Walker doesn’t accept that.” Erin answered, making Liam huff in annoyance. He hated this goddamn hellhole. He wanted to go home with Zayn. He hated this day, felt like shit but he knew that he’d get better for and because of Zayn. He just knew it.

“I don’t care. He’s gonna stay here. I’m gonna talk to her.” Liam tried it again, raising his voice. “He didn’t sleep much last night.

“You _like_ him.” Erin concluded, making Liam blush furiously. “Oh boy.”

“Please. Just this time.” Liam begged when Zayn slowly moved. “Fuck.”

“What’s happening, Li?” Zayn mumbled, eyes still closed when he turned around just to wrap his arms tightly around Liam’s middle, properly snuggling up against him. “I’m sleepy.” Liam furrowed his brow, trying to make it clear that Zayn really should stay in bed.He moved slightly. “Bumblebee, don’t move.” Zayn kissed Liam’s tummy through his sweatshirt.

“Okaaay.” Erin said, suddenly jumping to her feet. “I’m not gonna tell anyone about _this_ because I definitely see what’s going on here but you two get up now and go eat dinner.”

“Erin?” Zayn suddenly shrieked, when he opened his eyes. He flinched, sat back up and made some space between him and Liam. “It’s him.” Zayn suddenly managed to blurt out. “The one I told you about."

“Him-him?!” Erin asked, voice high pitched. “What?!”

“Yeah _him_. Liam is the one.” Zayn kept on going and Liam just furrowed his brow. What were they even talking about? “And if he’s gonna leave this place for whatever reason I’m not gonna make it. Erin, you know it. Please don’t tell anybody about this. I beg you.”

“Don’t worry. I know about Louis and Harry too. I won’t tell anybody and you can stay roommates, boyfriends or whatever. I’m happy for you Zayn. I’m not allowed to say that but since we’ve been talking a lot within the last months I’m doing it nevertheless. I’m very very happy Liam is here now. What are the chances?! I thought you’d just make friends with someone one day but I’m also happy about _that_.” Erin continued and Liam wanted to vanish into thin air. “I’m a cool nurse, don’t look at me like that, Liam.”

“I have no idea what’s going on right now but I have to admit that I feel the same. If Zayn is gonna leave by any chance I’m not gonna make it.” Liam agreed, not even lying. If he did lose Zayn once again he sure as hell would end his life within the blink of an eye. He shouldn’t tell Dr. Walker but Erin seemed to be trustworthy.

“I tell Erin more than I tell the doctor. She’s telling Dr. Walker afterwards, when I ask her to do so.” Zayn explained, smiling weakly. “She knows about our past.”

“Oh.” Liam mumbled, looking on the floor. “Okay.”

“You two are gonna be okay. I’m sure.” Erin announced, opening the door. “It’s easier to fight together, you know?” She left.

“I didn’t even notice she was here.” Zayn said, licking his lower lip. “Did she…did she see?”

“No, I closed the bathroom door and I…I took care of it.” Liam rambled, not wanting to look at Zayn. “You didn’t seem to notice that I cleaned it and what else. It’s bandaged and all that.”

“Thank you. You shouldn’t have.” Zayn replied, reaching for Liam’s shivering hands. “I’m genuinely sorry. Couldn’t help it.”

“Why did you do it?” Liam asked because he just had to know. “What happened? Was it my fault?”

Zayn hugged him tightly. “No, Liam. No, no, no.”

Liam was sobbing, making Zayn’s hoodie wet. “Was it Louis’? I’m gonna kill him.”

Zayn ran his fingers through Liam’s fluffy hair, trying to calm him down. “Liam, it’s always just my fault, okay? It’s nobody’s fault. Ever. I’m doing it.”

“I don’t want you to do that.” Liam confessed, crying hard. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I can’t let you do that.”

“Liam…” Zayn whispered, pressing his lips together. “I’m really sorry. I’m trying my best, I promise.”

“Hurt me instead.” Liam suggested, making Zayn shove him.

“Fuck off, Liam. Nobody’s gonna hurt you!” he yelled. “You’re hurt enough and if anything I’m gonna make sure nobody is ever gonna hurt you again. Always tried to protect you. I’m so fucking sorry I failed back then.”

“What do you mean?” Liam wanted to know, not understanding one thing. “I want to protect you from yourself. Please let me.”

“It’s my fault that…that you were forced to leave back then. It’s my fucking fault and I knew you would leave. I just didn't believe it. I fucking knew it, okay?” Zayn yelled, nails digging in his arm. Liam reached for his hand and pulled it back, noticing blood coming through the hoodie.

“Zayn stop digging into the wound. Stop it. I’m sure it’s not like that. I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding!” Liam said, trying his best to stay calm. “Zayn squeeze my hands instead, okay? Please.”

He did it. “It’s not a misunderstanding, Liam. I knew you were gonna leave and it definitely is my fault. I hate myself.”

Liam didn’t let go of his hands. “I’m not mad at you, okay? Whatever it was, I’m not mad at you right now, okay? You can tell me and I promise you I’m not gonna hate you or anything. I got you back and that’s all that matters. I love you, Zayn. I don’t care what happened or that you knew. I forgive you whatever the fuck it is. Just don’t hurt yourself.”

“Your father. He’s worse than you think he is.” Zayn confessed, making Liam’s head snap up instantly. “Fuck.”

“What did the asshole do now? Did he blackmail you?!” Liam wanted to know, fuming with anger within seconds. “I hate him so fucking much.”

“Yes…uh…blackmail, yeah.” Zayn mumbled, but Liam didn’t believe him. Somehow Zayn wasn’t telling the truth. Liam felt it.

“Zayn, can I ask you a question? It doesn’t have to do with any of this but I really want to know it.” Liam all of a sudden questioned. Zayn nodded, pressing himself against Liam even more. He was cold. “Why are you hurting yourself in the first place? What’s the main reason? Just give me something, anything. Just one word, okay?”

Zayn furiously shook his head, starting to shiver. “I can’t.”

“Zayn, baby, it’s me. You can tell me everything.” Liam reassured him, kissing his forehead. “I’m not gonna judge you even if you say that you’re doing this because you lost a toy car or whatever.”

And then he said something Liam wouldn’t have expected. “Because I deserve it.”

“You deserve the best and that’s the worst, butterfly.” Liam replied, staring at him. “You don’t deserve this no matter what.”

“I’m disgusting, Liam. I’m so fucking disgusting.” Zayn whined, sounding completely broken. “And it’s my fault that you had to leave. It’s my fault that you’re depressed now. I could’ve done something. If I hadn’t fucked up we could… you could be happy now. You could’ve stayed. We could’ve been friends. I’m so…fuck.”

“So you’re cutting because of me in the first place.” Liam concluded, feeling numb. He’s never felt that numb in his entire life before. _This_ was his fault after all.

“No.” Zayn spoke under his breath. “I feel…I felt nothing until you came along because…because I…when I was…I mean…someone… I can’t tell you. I’m so disgusting. I’m ashamed.” Liam didn’t say anything. He just waited and gave Zayn the time he apparently needed. “Liam, it's called child abuse. That’s the actual reason. I can’t deal with it.”

Liam’s whole world shattered into a million pieces because he'd never in a million years thought one of Zayn's family members or someone close to him would be capable of something like that. "No."


	9. Invisible

“Just hanging out is nice. Forgot how that’s like. It’s just so easygoing I’m actually _shook_.” Liam said, smiling at Hailee, who was sitting across from him, holding Niall’s hand.

“What does _shook_ even mean?” Harry wanted to know, turning up his mouth. “Never heard that word before.”

“How old are you, Harold?” Louis mocked him. “I’d say 85. At least.” Harry flipped him off, laughing at the same time. “You don’t have a Twitter account. Or Facebook. Or Instagram.”

“He probably doesn’t even know what MySpace was.” Niall added, laughing just as much.

“I don’t like social media. Never have.” Harry confessed but nobody seemed to be surprised. “While you guys are probably dealing with deprivation in here, I’m just chilling.”

“I really don’t understand why we’re not allowed to use our cell phones.” Liam mumbled, catching Niall’s attention.

“Because people like you would read some depressing shit and then die.” Niall replied making Liam’s suicidal side sound like a joke. Liam wasn’t sure if he felt not taken seriously or if he liked it. Nobody judged him. Maybe it was nice. Easy.

“Niall, you’d google all possible dangers, diseases or germs all day long if you had your cell phone.” Shawn suddenly interjected, making Louis bubble over with laughter.

He didn’t even have to think. “Dude, he’s right. And then you’d clean your cell’s display all day long!”

“You’d try to understand yourself, so shut up.” Niall answered, crossing his arms. “I wanted to say you’d google everything but since you seem to know just as much I changed my mind.”

“I hate you all.” Louis grumbled, sticking his tongue out. 

Liam couldn’t help but observe Niall, Hailee and Shawn in the meantime. They looked like some weird ass sandwich, Shawn on the left side of the sofa, Niall in the middle and Hailee on the right side.

“Where’s _Hoodie Guy_ and why don’t you ask him to join us?” Louis suddenly interrupted, making all of them listen to him. “Liam, I’m talking to you. Where is he?” 

Liam wanted to kill him. He really didn’t think that him being roommates with Zayn would cause this mess. He liked that his friends (damn he had to ask them if they really were friends now or not) apparently wanted Zayn to be part of their group but he hated the fact that they were stressing his boy out without even knowing about it. He really had to solve that problem somehow. Maybe he should just take it slow. Make them understand that Zayn was completely overwhelmed by all the attention. He just didn’t know how to do it. Should he just tell them Zayn’s name? Should he tell them to back off, to leave him alone? Ask Zayn what to do? Go with his gut? He had no idea.

“He’s right here.” Zayn said, when he plopped down next to Liam, making all of their jaws drop at the same time. “Liam, don’t look at me like that.”

Niall was the first one to speak up, which wasn’t a surprise at all. “What the actual fuck?”

Zayn didn’t seem to be comfortable at all and Liam had no fucking clue what he was doing but he sure as hell didn’t like it. He didn’t want Zayn to make himself feel like shit just to prove a point or make Liam happy. Liam was scared Zayn would end up hurting himself again realizing it had been too much afterwards. Zayn tipped him over the edge, seriously. He definitely expected Liam to help him out no matter what. It had always been like that, Zayn not thinking things through and Liam solving the problems. The thing was, Zayn hadn’t hurt himself back then. Liam never had to fear for his boy’s life. What if he made a mistake?!

“I’m Zayn.” Zayn mumbled, apparently regretting his decision to introduce himself already. “And I’m wearing a hoodie all the time because I want to be invisible. I’m not a very good superhero though. I’m afraid being invisible didn’t work really well.”

“You got a name.” Shawn whispered, apparently afraid of Zayn’s reaction.

“You speak.” Harry said, sounding dumbfounded.

“And you seem to be nice.” Hailee added, obviously flabbergasted.

Zayn slightly pressed himself against Liam’s side, seeking comfort. Liam wanted to hide him from the world, protect his fragile self. “And you’re all making him feel uncomfortable.”

“Because it’s too much attention?” Louis questioned, trying to understand. Liam really liked that Louis always tried to be thoughtful and empathetic. 

“Maybe.” Zayn whispered, suddenly hiding his face in the crook of Liam’s neck, not giving two fucks about anyone possibly making assumptions.

“Wait, I’m confused.” Niall noted, pursing his lips. “What is _this_?”

“Yeah, what is _this_?!” Harry repeated, staring at them in confusion.

Zayn didn’t move, so Liam pulled him into his arms and into his lap, to do what he wanted to do, what felt right. Protect the living shit out of Zayn. He blushed crimson when Zayn suddenly clung firmly to him. “Zayn, can I tell them?” He nodded and Liam knew he’d have to watch out for Zayn within the next hours. He was so afraid, possibly seeing Zayn bleeding again. Fuck. But maybe, just maybe, satisfying their curiosity would help. “Long story short, yeah? Zayn and I grew up together. We couldn’t see each other for years. We met here again. We’re…I mean. Yeah. That’s it.”

“Oh my god, what are the chances!?” Hailee squeaked, choking up. “You were best friends and now you got each other back. That’s amazing.”

“But that’s not right.” Zayn mumbled, not looking at them at all. Liam slightly nudged him, not sure if it was a good idea to tell them more. Zayn didn’t care and Liam knew. Fucking Zayn. Why did he love him, why?! Zayn snuggled up against him even more. He looked like a little spider monkey and Liam wanted to die. So fucking adorable. He loved that Zayn didn’t give a fuck if he looked ridiculous.

“Look, Zayn is shy. He doesn’t like too much attention or people asking too many questions. That’s why he never wanted to talk much. He was afraid. Still is?” Liam explained. He knew Zayn was currently trying to bring himself to get his shit together and at least look at the others. “I swear he’s a dork and he’s lovable but we all got our problems, right? Can you guys take it slow?”

“So you’re dealing with an Anxiety Disorder.” Harry concluded, trying to sound wise. “Wow. I’m impressed that you introduced yourself to us then. That’s amazing, Zayn.”

“Really?” he mumbled, turning his head to slowly peek at them.

“Aren’t we all _weird_? Don’t worry. You need to take it slow, need some space and we need something else. It’s okay. I wish we would’ve known earlier. I genuinely thought you hated all of us for no goddamn reason.” Niall replied, sounding happy now.

“I don’t. Never did?” Zayn said just as quiet, turning so that he could properly look at them while still clinging to Liam.

“So if it’s too much already, you can just ditch us now. We’re not gonna be mad or anything, bro.” Louis added, winking at Zayn.

Harry nodded. “Yeah, take your time.”

“Want to go?” Liam whispered, trying to get Zayn out of this situation. Zayn refused. What the fuck?!

“I know all of your names, just so that you know.” Zayn announced, pulling his hood lower. “I’m sorry for my behavior.”

“I’m happy you’re talking but you really confuse all of us.” Hailee replied, grinning broadly. “We appreciate that for sure though.”

“What do we appreciate?” another female voice asked, sitting down next to Louis. Eleanor. Please no more people, Jesus Christ. “Holy fuck.” So she’d noticed Zayn. Amazing.

“Hi, Eleanor.” Zayn said, trying to sit back up properly, arm wrapped around Liam’s shoulders. Was Zayn drunk!? The hell was he on about?!

“H-hello.” she stuttered, making Zayn grin. In a different situation, Liam would’ve fainted because of that sexy smirk. He really hated Zayn for being cute and hot at the same time. It wasn't fair.

“His name is Zayn.” Louis helped. “And he’s dealing with anxiety so don’t interrogate him and let the poor boy breathe.”

Shawn bit his lip before he spoke up. “I need to say something but I don’t want to sound crazy. I just need to make remark.”

“Well, then do it, _hoe_.” Louis said, sticking his tongue out at Harry who seemed to be shocked because of the word. “It’s just like _shook_. You have no idea why I just said that. Look at your face. I’m dying.” He was cackling. “My grandpa boyfriend is in shock.”

“Did you just say boyfriend?!” Niall shrieked, eyes wide open. “I fucking won the bet, Hailee!”

“I don’t have any money but you can have a kiss.” she replied, pecking his cheek. “A real one later.” Shawn scrunched up his nose and Liam furrowed his brow.

“I didn’t say anything and you didn’t win shit, you little fucker.” Louis ranted, giving him the finger. “What did you want to say, Shawn?”

“Zayn is hot.” Shawn suddenly blurt out. Liam wanted to hold a knife to Shawn's throat, actuated by jealousy.

“Uh…thanks?” Zayn stammered, turning beet-red. Liam would kill Shawn. “You’re kinda cute, I guess.”

“Not that you’d care.” Liam hissed through is teeth, scarcely audible.

“Did you just say that I’m cute?” Shawn went into it, sheepishly pressing his lips together.

“What is this? _The Gay Club_?” Niall asked, laughing out loud.

“You can’t say shit, Neil. You’re pan!” Louis reminded him but Niall just rolled his eyes.

Harry joined in the conversation. “Is anybody straight in this group?!”

“I am?” Eleanor remarked. “Hailee too?” Everyone ignored her.

It took Hailee quite some time to bring herself to say something but she finally managed after what had felt like five minutes. “I don’t want to ask too much and I don’t want to make you feel bad or anything, Zayn. But I genuinely thought you were a bit of a homophobe.”

“How am I supposed to be homophobic when all I ever thought about was sucking my best friend’s dick?” Zayn responded, causing Niall to almost choke on air. Liam wanted to die. Zayn had not just said that. What was going on today?

“And have you done it already? Told you two where to fuck in here.” Louis interjected, making Harry shove him in shock. “What? What did I do now?!”

Harry did it again, looking annoyed. “Why the hell did you know about them before us?”

“Went in on them.” Louis answered, making it sound like he’d caught them in the act. Fuck.

Niall came back to his senses a few seconds later. “What the fucking fuck fuck fuck?”

“Can I help you guys out when I say that Liam and I are dating?” Zayn explained, sounding as if he’d just casually hang out with his best friends in the world. For some reason, Liam didn’t like what was happening at all. Why didn’t Zayn ask him if he was okay with sharing all of that information? Why?!

“You two are _dating_.” Niall continued, sounding amused. “Fucking hell. We never see you or hear you talk. Liam appears out of nowhere and then-“

Liam didn’t give a fuck anymore. He made Zayn let go of him rather roughly, jumped to his feet, shook his head and ditched them all. He hated all of this. Without thinking about it twice he went to the _Time Out Room._ He wanted to be alone, didn’t even want to see Zayn right now. The hell! He wrote down the time, closed the door behind him and then stared out of the window.

Maybe Zayn wasn’t who Liam thought he was. He felt extremely uncomfortable, very insecure, unprotected and definitely completely alone again. The hell had just happened, honestly.

Maybe it was selfish but Liam didn’t want to share Zayn. He didn’t want Zayn trying to fit in, trying hard to make people like him or whatever. He didn’t like _that_ Zayn. He also didn’t want people to observe them from now on, knowing that they were dating. He wanted to keep their secret little love bubble, wanted to hide under a blanket and pretend it was them against the world. Zayn had just ruined everything. Liam couldn’t control himself, just let his eyes well up with tears.

It knocked on the door only about two minutes later and Liam hated that his time in here was over already. He didn’t even look. He didn’t care. Why couldn’t he stay here forever? “Come in or whatever.” The door opened. He heard someone approach him, felt someone sitting down next to him, felt someone pull him into their arms and he smelt their cologne. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.” Zayn mumbled, kissing Liam’s forehead. “I’m sorry I did that.”

Liam didn’t care that Zayn could see his tears. “What is wrong with you, seriously? You ruined everything.”

Zayn kissed Liam’s nose. “No, I didn’t. I gave them what they wanted.”

“And what did they want? Laugh at me?” Liam asked quietly. “Zayn, you made me feel uncomfortable as hell. I don’t even want to see them again now. It was embarrassing.”

“Please don’t be angry. I knew what I was doing even though I had to make you feel a bit...bad. Forgive me and let me explain?” Zayn continued, pecking Liam’s lips. Liam didn’t turn his head away but he didn’t kiss him back either. He just waited for a good explanation he probably wouldn’t get. “Bumblebee, don’t pout.”

Liam knew he shouldn’t say it but he still did it because it was the truth. “I’m not pouting, I’m _disappointed_.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t say that, please.” Zayn replied, sounding devastated. “Liam, listen to me, okay? They wanted to see my face, they wanted to know my name, wanted to know what I gotta deal with, wanted to know why I’m here, wanted to know why we’re sharing a room, Louis knew about us, Niall was pissed you didn’t want to share a room with him anymore and so on. You can’t just not agree with that.”

“So you thought what? That’d you’d just make yourself feel uncomfortable to a point where I’m scared shitless you’re gonna hurt yourself again? Zayn I wanted to cry. I don’t want to wipe away blood again. I fucking love you and that mere thought kills me.” Liam yelled, not giving a flying fuck if anybody could hear. “What were you thinking?.”

“They’re gonna leave us alone now. We don’t even have to ask anymore. I thought it was a good plan. I never wanted to scare you. I just wanted to make it easier for the both of us. I don’t have to hide anymore, even though I probably will, we can sit next to each other while being with them so others won’t pay attention, we can ask them not to disturb us, you don’t have to worry about…Fuck I’m sorry.” Zayn rambled, suddenly hiding his face behind his hands. “I fucked up.”

“No.” Liam replied, thinking about it. “You just didn’t tell me about that plan. It was a bit too much maybe? A bit over the top? You could’ve taken it slow, you know? Step by step maybe?”

“So _now or never_ wasn’t the best idea?” Zayn went into it, digging his nails into his wrist until the skin turned red. “It was a bit too much, yeah.”

Liam carefully and very gently put his hand on top of Zayn’s trying to make him stop. “You didn’t mean to make me feel bad and you just wanted to do the right thing. I’m not angry, love.”

Zayn didn’t seem to listen, just scratched himself. “I’m a fucking mess.”

“Zayn, look at me.” Liam suggested, hoping Zayn would realize what he was saying and doing right now. “Zayn, look at me or I’m gonna make you. Please look at me.” He did. “What are you doing right now, hm?”

“Nothing?” Zayn whispered, looking innocent. Liam just pointed at his wrist.

“Nothing, yeah? Please don’t do that. Take my hand and squeeze it really hard, okay? Just don’t hurt yourself. You didn’t fuck up at all. I was just surprised, yeah? Maybe you were right after all.” Liam said quietly. “Take my hand.”

It took Zayn a few minutes to stop what he was doing and Liam appreciated Zayn trying to stop. He was especially proud of him when he started to let off steam by squeezing Liam’s hand. “I just wanted to be with you, wanted it to be easier.”

“So you decided to sneak into this room and make Erin freak out again?” Liam said, grinning even though he couldn’t get rid of the sad feelings deep down at all. “You’re something else.”

“Do you still love me even though I’m a mess?” Zayn responded, not letting go of Liam. “I really don’t want to scare you away.”

Liam definitely did and he probably always would but he didn’t think Zayn believed him that easily. “I got a tattoo.”

“No shit, really? Who would’ve thought? I mean look at you. So naked! No ink at all.” Zayn mocked him. “Liam got a tattoo. Hey, guess what? I might have gotten one or two too!”

Liam wanted to laugh but he didn’t. “Zayn, don’t be silly. You got full on sleeves. And don’t interrupt me. I wanted to tell you something!” Zayn kept quiet. “Now don’t feel guilty. Look, what I wanted to say is, that I got a tattoo for you.”

“For me?!” Zayn squeaked, sounding like a little girl.

“I got a butterfly tattooed on my chest, right above my heart. Does that maybe answer your question?” Liam asked, sounding a bit smug. “I do love you. Don’t ask that again.”

“I can’t… what?” Zayn stuttered, taken aback. “Wow.”

“I’ll show you later if you want.” Liam suggested, closing his eyes. “You can’t fuck up, Zayn.You could never.”

Zayn hesitated. “Not even if I told you more about my past?”

“Not even then.” Liam replied, not having to think about it. “You’ll never get rid of me ever again.”

“It was your dad.” Zayn announced straight away.

“My dad what? Do we have to talk about that idiot? I’m enjoying time without him quite much.” Liam said, not getting it.

“Liam, you don’t understand what I’m telling you.” Zayn spoke under his breath. “The child abuse. It was your dad.”

Liam jumped out of his skin, heart rate rising quickly. Suddenly there was a weird discomfort in his chest. He felt the urge to run, escape, hide. His brain was on fire, his adrenaline going through the roof, his eye wide and pupils dilated. It was like a bomb exploding inside of him, turning his brain into a mental soup of conflicting instructions, guilt, anger, sadness, accusations, shock and disgust.

The negative thoughts kept coming and coming like waves on rocks and Liam wanted to scream but he couldn’t. He never could, just kept it on the inside as always.And then he couldn’t breathe anymore, felt dizzy and frozen in panic. His eyes scanned Zayn’s face but his only movement was the trembling of his limbs and salty tears darkening his hoodie.

Thoughts were accelerating inside Liam’s head and he desperately wanted them to slow down so he could breathe again but it didn’t work.

What had happened? Why his dad? When did it happen? Why didn’t Liam notice? Zayn…young…his father, the room was spinning…blackness…his fault…

Liam passed out. He vaguely heard Zayn desperately crying for a nurse...


	10. Alone Again

When Liam woke up all he could see was a plain white typical hospital ceiling and some annoying blinding lights. He blinked several times but the horrible lamps just hurt his eyes and he wanted to rip them out of the ceiling and throw them out of the window as quickly as possible. It took him a few seconds to remember what had happened and he immediately got sick again. His stomach contracted so violently that he had no time to run to the bathroom, let alone reach the toilet bowl. Chunks of food covered in the creamy chyme from his stomach were propelled into the air and splattered the blue floor. He felt horrible but it got worse when he had to throw up again seconds later until his throat already felt sore from the stomach acid that was layering it. “Fuck.”

“No big deal. We’re gonna clean it up. Welcome back, Liam.” Erin said, slowly handing him a soft looking cloth to clean his mouth. “Do you think you can go to the bathrom?” He nodded. “Be careful, okay? You passed out and might feel a little dizzy.” He nodded again, carefully got up and took small steps until he reached the bathroom. “Toothbrush is on the right side.” He took the yellow cup first, filled it with water and cleaned his mouth, before he slowly brushed his teeth, using the minty toothpaste someone had placed there too. He really felt kinda dizzy, so when he left the room’s bathroom again he plopped down on the chair across from the bed, watching Erin clean up the mess he made. He felt horribly sorry and was ashamed but he just had had no choice but to throw up right there on the spot.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbled, blinking a few times. “Sorry.”

“You’re not the first one who had to vomit, Liam.” Erin said, before she opened the window. “Are you feeling okay though?” He nodded. “Zayn called me when you passed out. You hit your head on the floor.”

Only then Liam noticed, that his boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. Where was he?! His head hurt but he just wanted to see him. Now. “Where’s Zayn?”

“Not here.” Erin said, sounding weird.

“Can you call him?” Liam asked, already missing him. Now even more than ever.

“No.” Erin replied, brushing him off. “Dr. Walker thinks it’s not a good idea that you two are hanging out. This is your room now. I’m sorry.”

“What?” Liam shrieked, hoping this was a bad joke. “What do you mean, my room? I’m sharing with Zayn!”

Erin didn’t look at him. “Not anymore, Liam. She made some arrangements. I’m really sorry.”

“What kind of arrangements, Erin?” Liam went into it, feeling scared.

“You won’t see each other again for a while.” Erin explained and Liam’s jaw dropped. “I told Dr. Walker that, in my opinion, it’s the wrong thing to do, but she didn’t listen to me. I’m only a nurse, Liam. I’m really sorry I couldn’t change anything.”

“For how long? Remember what we told you? Erin, is it a day? Two? A week?” Liam asked, freaking out on the inside. He’d die without Zayn. Zayn would possibly cut too deep without him and die for fucking real. This wasn’t happening. No way in hell, no.

“Probably till she thinks you’re ready to leave the hospital.” Erin announced and Liam jumped to his feet as if stung by a bee. “Liam!”

“Where is he? I don’t give a fuck. Tell me where my boy is. I promised him to never leave him again, Erin. God, you know about our past! You know it. I’m not…No!” Liam yelled, an empty feeling on the inside. “Where is he?!”

“Can’t tell you.” Erin replied, trying to stay calm. “Liam, please sit down.”

“Where is Zayn?!” Liam tried it again, storming out of the room. If nobody told him he’d search for him. Nobody would take Zayn away from him. He wouldn’t let them. Erin followed him and stopped him right before he was about to tear open some doors.

“I’m gonna tell you, but only if you go back to your room and sit down.” Erin suggested. Liam didn’t even answer, just turned on his heel and went towards his room immediately. He opened the door, plopped down on his fucking bed and waited for her to tell him.

She closed the door behind them, sat down next to him and took a deep breath. “Liam, he’s not here anymore.”

“What do you mean, not here anymore?!” Liam shrieked, suddenly feeling sick again. “Where the fuck is he?”

“Zayn freaked out when you fainted. He called me but then ran out of the room and hid somewhere. We found him again a few minutes later but he’d already…you know.” Erin mumbled, not sounding like a nurse at all. Liam knew she liked him but he didn’t care right now. He needed to know. He glared at her. “He hurt himself really bad.”

“Not here anymore as in…no.” Liam whispered, fearing for the worst. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t. No.

“Just a different ward, okay? He didn’t die or anything. He’s awake and he’s doing okay, I made sure of it.” Erin contiued and Liam just wanted to cry.

“I want to see him. How can I do that? What do I have to do? Who do I have to ask?” Liam rambled, praying Zayn really was okay.

Erin shook her head, looking sad. “You’re not allowed to see him, Liam. Not at all.”

“I don’t fucking care! I need to see him. He needs to see me. You have no fucking idea what separation does to us! Why do you think we’re here in the first place?!” Liam ranted, crossing his arms.

She got up. “Liam, I know. I tried but there’s nothing I can do. I suggest you to do your best, follow all the rules and try to convince Dr. Walker that he’s doing you good. She thinks you two are toxic for each other.” 

“Not being with each other is the only problem here.” Liam shouted. “Where is the doctor?”

“Left the hospital an hour ago. It’s Dr. Brown’s shift but he doesn’t have a say in this.” Erin told him, looking sorry. “Look, Liam. It’s time for art therapy again. Just go there. We can talk about it again later. I’ll go check on Zayn in the meantime. Anything you want me to tell him?”

Of course, there was something he wanted to tell him. So fucking much. “Just tell him to think about wolves, swans, beavers and penguins.” Liam said, remembering what they’ve talked about recently.

“You want me to talk about these animals?” Erin asked again.

“No, just tell him to remember them, especially wolves.” Liam repeated himself. “He’ll understand.” Liam didn’t want to tell her that these were animals who mated for life, animals who’d literally die of a broken heart of their partner's life for some reason ended.

She nodded, left the room and reminded him of therapy again. Even though he was hurting and worried sick because of Zayn, he managed to force himself to go there a while later. Fuck his depression. For Zayn. He was doing this for Zayn. He could be strong for Zayn. Zayn. Zayn. Zayn.

“Liam is here, guys!” Louis shouted way too loud. Liam hated him all of a sudden. Maybe he didn’t _hate_ -hate him but still. Fucking obnoxious guy.

“Liam, our sunshine.” Harry said, but Liam felt mocked. He wasn’t a sunshine, more like a fucking storm in the night.

Shawn broadly smiled at him and waved. “Hey there. We already missed you!” 

Liam wordlessly sat down next to Niall, reached for a black pencil and a piece of paper and drew the outlines of two wolves who’s snouts were touching almost as if they were kissing. He decided to make one of them appear smaller with darker fur and the other one taller and looking a bit broader. “What do you know about wolves, Louis? I can’t _gooooogle_ but I can I can _Loooouis_. Just tell me. Don’t ask questions.”

“I’m not fucking Google.” Louis complained but Liam just glared at him. “Fine! Okay, okay!” Niall laughed. “Wolves are the largest members of the dog family. Wolves are legendary because of their spine-tingling howl, which they use to communicate. A lone wolf howls to attract the attention of his pack, while communal howls may send territorial messages from one pack to another. Some howls are confrontational. Calls may be answered by rival packs. Much like barking domestic dogs, wolves may simply begin howling because a nearby wolf has already begun. They have a highly organised social structure enabling them to enjoy maximum cooperation when hunting, communicating and defending territory. Wolves are highly territorial animals, and generally establish territories far larger than they require to survive; in order to assure a steady supply of prey. Territory size depends largely on the amount of prey available: in areas with an abundance of prey, the territories of resident wolf packs are smaller.”

“More.” Liam required, focusing on making the smaller wolf look absolutely stunning.

“What the fuck? Okay. These social animals cooperate on their preferred prey. A single wolf is capable of catching and killing a deer unaided, but when hunting as a pack they prey on much larger animals, including deer, elk, and moose. Wolves also eat smaller mammals such as birds, fish, lizards, snakes, but also eat fruit. When they get a successful kill, wolves do not eat in moderation. A single wolf can consume 9 kg of meat in one sitting! The highest ranking wolf will eat first and what cannot be consumed is left for the scavengers, even though they may have to wait another three days for their next meal.” Louis continued but Liam wanted him to say out loud what he was waiting for.

“You forgot something, Mr. Not Google. Maybe you were right. Maybe you don’t know enough.” Liam mocked him, not even looking into his eyes.

“What else, smartass?” Louis whined. “Wolves are not particularly fast, with a top speed of about 45km/h (28mph).  They instead rely on their hearing and sense of smell to detect prey. They have remarkable powers of endurance and are known to follow their target all day and night if necessary.”

“Still not it.” Liam mumbled, coloring the taller wolf by now.

Louis seemed to be thinking before he added something else. “Wolf packs are established according to a strict hierarchy, with a dominant alpha male at the top and an alpha female not far behind. Usually this male and female are the only animals of the pack to breed. Packs consist of between five and ten animals – usually offspring from several years.  All of a pack’s adults help to care for young pups by bringing them food and watching them while others hunt.”

“Once a wolf has found a mate, they usually stay together for life, idiot.” Harry suddenly interrupted. “That’s what Liam wanted to hear. Wolves mate for life. Where is Zayn?”

“Yeah, where is Zayn?” Louis agreed, noticing too.

“Yeah, where the fucking fuck is my fucking boyfriend?” Liam said angrily. “You know where he is? At a different fucking ward because Dr. Walker thinks we’re toxic for each other! There he is.”

“But aren’t you two dating? That makes no sense?” Hailee replied, seeming shocked.

“Why would they make him stay elsewhere? It makes no sense unless… unless he…Liam is Zayn okay?!” Louis wanted to know, putting one and one together.

“No, he’s not okay. I passed out and he apparently blamed it on himself. The fucking moron cut himself way too deep or whatever. Louis, I’m freaking out because they won’t let me see him. And now I even told you about his fucking self-harming behavior. I hate myself but I don’t give a fuck right now. I can’t see him for fuck’s sake. I’m gonna die and he’s too. Zayn more likely than me because of fucking cutting himself! For fucking real!” Liam yelled, catching everyone’s attention. When he noticed he looked daggers at everyone but his friends. “You guys are my friends, aren’t you?”

“You bet your ass on it.” Niall replied, giving him a thumbs up. Everyone else nodded.

“Then help me out. Can we be _super crazy_ and find a way to bring back Zayn or to let me see him? I’m worried sick!” Liam begged.

“I’m glad Gina isn’t here right now, looking for other pencils because otherwise you’d be fucked.” Louis said, laughing. “Bro, we’ll find a way. Promise.”

“Definitely.” Eleanor agreed, smiling.

“A way for what?” another female voice suddenly wanted to know.

“For nothing, Taylor. Fuck off, will you?” Harry said, sounding like Louis now.

“I heard anyways. I know how to get out of here for an hour or two. So if you want to know, be nice.” Taylor announced, flipping her hair. “There’s this cute nurse downstairs. Chatting with her every two days.”

“What the hell?” Niall yelled, eyes wide open. “Oh my god. All the germs. Eww, did you touch me? Go away! I’m gonna get sick. Hailee, do something. Oh my god, she was outside!”

Louis laughed out loud. “Calm your tits, Horan.”

“I don’t have tits, fucktard.” Niall yelled back.

“I do.” Eleanor said and Louis rolled his eyes.

“Nobody gives a fuck about boobs.” Harry joined in the conversation.

“I do. Boobs are nice.” Taylor said, grinning. “Move. The queen needs to use the bathroom.”

“I fucking hate this hell hole.” Liam grumbled, praying he’d really get to see Zayn as soon as possible again.

__

Shortly before dinner someone knocked on his door but didn’t even wait for an answer to come inside. Liam hated everything and everyone. He just wanted to see Zayn.

“I thought I’d pick you up.” Eleanor said, grinning.

“You don’t even eat. Why do you look happy? It’s dinner time.” Liam grumbled, crossing his arms.

Eleanor gaped at him. “Wow, that was nice.”

Liam realized what he’d just said. He felt horrible. “Fuck. I’m really sorry. I’m a dickhead. I didn’t meant it like that. I can’t think straight anymore.”

“Well, you never think straight in the first place.” she said, cackling. “But what you’ve just said wasn’t okay and you know it. It’s not like I really chose this.” She slowly sat down next to him. “Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses, not lifestyle choices, Liam.”

“El, I’m really sorry. I know!” Liam tried to defend himself, but he felt like the worst person on the planet so he wanted to just let her speak. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” Eleanor whispered, staring into space. “I usually only tell Louis about my struggles. He seems to be the only one who listens to me but I guess he feels forced into it because everyone else doesn't take it seriously.

Liam wanted to let her know, needed to let her know. She wasn’t his favorite person at all but she didn’t deserve to get ignored or something like that. “I just fucked up but I actually care.”

“Feeling guilty for eating when you’re hungy is like feeling guilty for breathing when your lungs need oxygen.” Eleanor tried to explain. “I know no food will ever hurt me as much as my eating disorder but that doesn’t mean I can just suddenly eat like everyone else from now on.”

“I wish I could help you.” Liam mumbled, meaning it.

“Did you know that I have an eating disorder not because I hate my body but because it’s the only thing I have control upon? That’s literally how it started. I never got to made decisions for myself or anything. If you knew my parents you’d probably understand why I wanted to control something, anything really.” Eleanor continued and Liam understood better than she assumed.

“My parents are shitty people, El. I definitely understand. I was just lucky that Zayn’s parents kind of raised me until I turned 16. My shitty father just told us that we were moving all of a sudden and even sent me to boarding school just to make sure there was basically no way to see or contact them. I really understand how fucked up parents can be and I’m sorry your coping mechanism is a eating disorder. But I don’t judge you for it. It’s just as serious as any other problem people gotta deal with here.” Liam told her, hating his father even more when thinking about what Zayn had told him. He just ingored it for now otherwise he’d have an emotion breakdown in front of Eleanor right fucking now. And Liam thought she definitely deserved that someone listened to her, someone who could maybe understand a bit.

“Wow, that sucks.” Eleanor just said and Liam nodded.

“So what is it? Anorexia or bulimia or something else? I don’t know much to be honest. Just some facts here and there.” Liam asked and admitted his lack of knowledge at the same time.

“Dr. Walker said it’s called Anorexia Nervosa? And as you know it’s a a psychological illness with devastating physical consequences, I guess. Anorexia Nervosa is characterised by low body weight and body image distortion with an obsessive fear of gaining weight which manifests itself through depriving the body of food. I can confirm that. It often coincides with increased levels of exercise, which is true. I used to be addicted to working out if that makes sese? There are two main sub-types of anorexia and I have to deal with the restricting type. Dr. Walker said it’s the most commonly known type of Anorexia Nervosa whereby a person severely restricts their food intake. Restriction may take many forms, Liam. Some people are maintaining a very low calorie count, some eat only one meal a day and some may follow obsessive and rigid rules such as only eating food of one colour.” Eleanor explained, trying to make it as understandable as possible.

“And when girls throw up it’s bulimia?” Liam asked, because he really wanted to know.

“You know that boys can have eating disorders too, right?” Eleanor informed him and Liam blushed. Of course. Shit. “And yeah bulimia is different. It’s Bulimia Nervosa then. As far as I know, it’s characterised by recurrent binge-eating episodes. If you don’t know what that is it’s the consumption of abnormally large amounts of food in a relatively short period of time. Binge episodes are associated with a sense of loss of control and immediately followed by feelings of guilt and shame, which then leads the person to compensatory behaviours such as self-induced vomiting, fasting, overexercising and/or the misuse of laxatives, enemas or diuretics. You can ask Gigi about it if you want to know more.”

“Gigi is the girl who Taylor is hanging out with, right?” Liam asked to make sure he was thinking about the right girl. Eleanor nodded. “Oh, she’s the one who annoys the shit out of Zayn.”

“She thinks it’s attractive that he’s hiding. I don’t get it. She’s weird. She's kind of obsessed with him although he ingnores her. I almost feel sorry for her.” Eleanor said, before she changed the topic again. “Dinner. We can’t skip that.”

“Right. Wanna sit next to me? I’ll make sure nobody is gonna annoy you while eating. Guess it’s hard enough for you to know that nurse Leigh is constantly watching you during meals.” Liam suggested, gently nudging her. “You’re gonna be okay again, I’m sure. It’s hard work but you’ll manage.”

10 Minutes later they sat next to each other, trays of food right in front of them. Liam noticed how uncomfortable Eleanor seemed to be and he somehow wanted to help her out, especially because of the stupid comment he’d made. “What’s the least problematic thing to eat for you and why? Is it okay if I ask?”

She nodded, staring at her food. “Probably the veggies.” Made sense. “Yeah, the veggies and the apple.”

“Why don’t you start off with the veggies then? You just have to eat all of this right? Order doesn’t matter, does it?” Liam wanted to know, making Louis observe them closely.

“Just eat it, I guess.” Eleanor agreed, picking at her food.

“Just the veggies first. Step by step?” Liam told her quietly. “That’s what I’m doing. When I’m having a really bad day sometimes it’s minute by minute even. It sounds crazy but I can spend hours just checking the time then. I feel so sad I don’t mind if it’s ridiculous or not. It works. Damn, it really sounds crazy, I know. But some days are better than others, then I’m checking every 15 minutes?” Liam continued, trying to explain. “I feel absolutely numb, literally dead on the inside today and I want to go back to bed and cry my eyes out because I don’t feel complete when Zayn isn’t here, especially when I know he’s probably just right around the corner. But I’m sitting here, which is the same thing. It was a step, right? So now take a baby step and just eat one spoon full of veggies. And then another one. And if that’s too much, half a spoon or one piece of it. Just a tiny little step.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

Liam turned to the rest of his friends who were watching them. “Can everybody mind their own business and not watch her eat? I know you don’t want to be rude or anything, I know you guys are just happy seeing that she’s eating but you’re making it so damn difficult, espeically you, Louis. Admire Harry’s cheekbones or whatever, just don’t look at Eleanor.”

They didn’t say anything, just blushed and turned away.

Louis was chatting with Harry while Niall, Hailee and Shawn were peacefully eating. Liam just…Liam just sat there, waiting for a miracle to happen.

_Step by step. Step by step. Step by step._


	11. Escape

Liam didn’t know what to do anymore, he didn’t. It had been three whole days without Zayn now and he was done with everything. He was supposed to feel better because of therapy, was supposed to feel the medication slowly starting to work, was supposed to blah blah blah. He didn’t. He was a depressed mess and it was worse than it had ever been before.

Every thought was a battle, every breath a war and Liam thought he simply didn’t win anymore. He had let his demons take over and he didn’t even bother to fight back anymore today. He didn’t want to see anyone. He just laid in bed, curtains closed while staring at the ceiling. Everything was his fault. He deserved this. He was inadequate and stupid.

Dumb.

Alone.

Worthless.

A loser.

Weak.

Dead already?

His stomach grumbled. Okay. His body wanted to survive. His mind? Not such much.

Someone entered his room, but Liam didn’t even move. The ceiling. 36 squares. 12 nails. 3 lamps. A bit of tape. Plain white, except for 582 little dots. Maybe he should count them again just to be sure. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9…

“Good morning, Liam. It’s time to get up.” Erin quietly said, but Liam didn’t care. 10, 11, 12, 13… “I know you don’t want to, but I have to ask you to get up nevertheless. It’s the rules, right?” 14, 15, 16, 17… “Liam?” 18, 19, 20, 21… Suddenly the curtains weren’t closed anymore. She opened the window. Cool fresh air made him shiver. 22, 23, 24, 25… “Come on. It’s time for breakfast. Everybody is waiting for you.” 26, 27, 28…”Liam.”

He knew he had no choice. If he didn’t get out of bed voluntarily they’d made him. Like a robot, he sat up but was now staring at the wall instead. Orange, 3 paintings, 2 doors, a little shelf. His legs touched the ground. No numbers here. He stood there, waiting for instructions while looking at one of the paintings. 3 trees, 2 little kids, 1 woman, 265 little lines used to paint the grass, 32 orange leaves on the ground next to the kids. 3 dogs in the background. 8 clouds. 1 sun, 9 birds.

“Liam, we got five minutes left till Dr. Walker is gonna check on you. Please just get dressed and leave for breakfast. I’m sure you don’t want to talk to her right now.” Erin interrupted his train of thoughts. He reached for his white shirt. 34 letters printed on it. 4 holes. 2 for his arms. 1 for his head and 1 for - “Liam, if you hurry up I’ll give you something from Zayn.”

This made Liam come back to earth, snapping out of his thoughts within seconds. “From Zayn? What is it?” Within two minutes he was fully dressed, had washed his face and combed his hair. He looked okay. Puffy eyes and dark circles underneath didn’t count. “Tell me!”

“He wrote something down for you.” Erin informed him and Liam put out his hand immediately. She searched for a little piece of paper inside her pocket and gave it to him. “Read it while having breakfast.” He nodded, rushed out of the room and sat down next to Louis only minutes later.

“Hey. I’m good, blah blah smalltalk, blah.” Liam said, opened the folded piece of paper and read it, ignoring everyone else staring at him.

_“It was the bumblebee and the butterfly who survived, not the dinosaur”_

And then Liam didn’t give damn anymore. He just burst out crying, buried his face in his hands and before he knew what was happening he got pulled in somebody's arms, followed by a proper group hug. He couldn’t say anything just let his bad feelings take over. He knew exactly who Zayn was referring to and it killed him on the inside. Zayn was the butterfly. Liam the bumblebee. The dinosaur? His horrible father. It came crashing down on him like a rainstorm. What his own father had done to him was nothing in comparison what he’d done to Zayn. His Zayn. And he didn’t even know any details yet. Did he want to know anything? He had no idea.

When his friends had managed to calm him down, he just sat there, waiting for anybody to speak up, but nobody did until Louis took a deep breath. “You’re gonna see him today.”

“What?” Liam shrieked, way too loud. One of the nurses immediately focused on him but he just grimaced, trying to look as sorry as possible. They weren’t allowed to be too loud at breakfast. Right.

“We got a plan.” Harry whispered, grinning. “You look horrible, pal.”

“I feel horrible.” Liam confessed, shrugging. “How? When?”

“Afte breakfast you gonna sneak the fuck out of here.” Shawn told him, winking.

“We leave this room as a group, okay? You, Louis and Harry go left. The rest of us head in different directions.”

“Okay? And then?” Liam wanted to know, nervously biting his lip.

“Haven’t you seen _It’s Kind Of A Funny Story_ with Zach Galafuckwhatever?” Niall asked.

“His name is Zach Galifianakis, dumbass.” Hailee mocked him. He flipped her off but then kissed her cheek. “We're gonna do the same thing.”

Liam screwed up his face. “I have no idea what you’re talking about?”

“Oh my god, seriously?” Harry asked, looking at Louis for help. “ _Google_ , help us out!”

“I fucking hate you for that nickname, Liam!” Louis snapped but continued anyway. “After contemplating suicide by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, 16-year-old Craig decides to go to the hospital to seek help. Craig tells Dr. Mahmoud that he needs immediate help to which Dr. Mahmoud registers Craig for a one week stay in the hospital's psychiatric floor. At first, Craig is unsure if he made the right choice to stay, mostly due to the fact that his friends might find out when he misses school, especially Nia, his crush and the girlfriend to his best friend Aaron. Also, he is placed in the adult ward because there are too few teenage patients, and he understandably feels uneasy and a bit scared of being in the midst of so many adult psychotics.” Liam rolled his eyes.

“Craig is introduced to Bobby, who is played by Zach Galifianakis by the way, an adult patient who claims he is only there on vacation, as he takes Craig under his wing. During a group discussion, Craig learns that Bobby is stressed about an upcoming interview in hopes of moving to a halfway house. When Bobby states that all he'll have to wear for the interview is the sweater he is currently wearing, Craig offers that Bobby could borrow one of his dad's dress shirts to wear, and Bobby accepts. Craig's kind offer to Bobby is witnessed by Noelle, another teenage patient who is in for self-mutilation. She is impressed by Craig and leaves him a note to meet with her that night. Later, Craig and Noelle attend a painting session for the patients. Craig paints a picture of an imaginary city map which he describes as like his own brain.” Louis continued but Liam didn’t understand why he even told him about that movie right now.

“Throughout his stay, Craig comes to a close bond with various patients on the floor including Bobby and Noelle. Bobby reveals to Craig that he is a father of a little girl and that he is actually in the ward for attempting to commit suicide six times. As Craig tries to help Bobby with his problems, Bobby, in return, helps Craig to gain the courage to ask out Noelle.” Harry suddenly said.

“Yes! And one night, Nia stops by to visit Craig at the hospital, revealing that she and Aaron had broken up. Craig takes Nia back to his room where she tries to seduce him. However, the two are caught by Craig's roommate Muqtada, an old Egyptian man who has not left the room during his stay. As Nia runs out of the room, Craig chases her and calls out that he loves her, unaware that Noelle is standing behind him. Upset, Noelle storms off leaving behind a drawing of a self-portrait that she planned on giving to Craig.” Louis said but Liam still didn’t get it. “Craig eventually wins Noelle's forgiveness, and the pair sneaks out of the ward in scrubs and runs around the hospital, ending up on the roof. There, Craig finally works up the courage to ask her on a date, and they kiss. On Craig's last night, he hosts a pizza party for the patients and helps Muqtada leave his room by playing Egyptian music for him to dance to. Craig also meets with Bobby, who got accepted into the home and gives him a map of how Craig imagines Bobby's brain to be. Craig leaves the hospital the next morning not entirely cured, but with better aspirations to enjoy his life. He finally gains the courage to speak the truth to his father - which seems to be one of his main problems - perhaps the biggest problem. Dad wants Craig to be a big businessman, but Craig is more clearly cut out for the creative artistic life - painting, and singing.”

“And you just told me all of this because…? Makes me happy to know that all of you guys seem to like this movie I’ve never even heard of, but you’re literally distracting from what we just talked about. You told me I could see Zayn and now we’re talking about a movie. Can you guys focus?!” Liam whined, running his hand through his hair.

“Harry, I’m gonna kill him and if you want to avoid that take my hand and force me to keep my seat.” Louis snarled, glaring at his friend.

“Take a chill-pill, Louis. He doesn’t know the movie. How is he supposed to know what it has to do with his situation? Harry, get your boyfriend under control. Buy a leash maybe.” Niall suggested when Louis suddenly touched him. Niall flinched and accidentally knocked over his cup of tea. “Louis, you fucking idiot. Why did you to that?”

“Because I hate you.” Louis yelled, making a nurse approach them. Amazing. Liam wanted to scream. How did they go from planning his escape to whatever the hell this mess was? How!?

“I ask you guys to sit back down, have breakfast and not disturb the others.” nurse Leigh said when she suddenly appeared next to their table. “If there’s a problem we can talk about it after breakfast. Anything you want me to know about?”

“No, we just talked about a good movie. Niall got excited and just accidentally spilled his tea all over Louis. He jumped out of his skin but it’s nothing to worry about. We’re gonna be quiet. I’m sorry. We didn’t want to disturb anyone. Am I right?” Shawn lied like a pro while smiling at her looking like an innocent angel.

“Oh! That makes sense. Are you okay, Louis?” she wanted to know and Louis just nodded. So he could keep it together when he had to. Good to know. She smiled back at Shawn, nodded and left.

“I fucking hate you all, just so that you know.” Louis hissed, making Harry bubble over with laughter.

Harry kissed his cheek. “Lou, babe, you look ridiculous.”

“Fuck off. Liam, in that movie Bobby always sneaks out. He’s literally pretending to be a doctor and it works.” Louis explained and Liam’s jaw dropped. “That’s what Taylor does, pretending to be a nurse. I don’t know how it works, but it does. You’re gonna do that too, with the help of Erin. She’s risking her job for you two, so don’t fuck it up.”

Liam couldn’t believe his ears. “What? Are you being serious right now?”

“While your depressive ass was pouting in bed we made a plan. You’re welcome.” Eleanor interjected, smiling broadly. “You’re gonna put on some tunic or whatever it’s called and sneak out with Erin. I pray this is gonna work.”

“Holy shit. This really sounds like a movie.” Liam mumbled, biting his lip. “And then? I can’t just come back with Zayn later, can I?”

“About that…” Hailee whispered.

“We didn’t find a solution for that.” Niall admitted. “We just planned your glorious escape to go see Zayn for a while. You have to come back later. Alone.”

“No.” Liam immediately said. “I’m not gonna leave him again. Are you guys stupid?”

“He’s so grateful, isn’t he?” Louis mocked Liam, who suddenly felt very bad.

“No! I am. I didn’t mean it like that. Your idea is genius and I love it. I’m actually impressed and I can’t wait to go see Zayn but I’m scared to leave him behind. What if I make it worse? What if he feels worse afterwards? What if he…what if…you know?” Liam mumbled, panicking on the inside. The _What if-questions_ inside is head made him freak out.

“Let’s talk to Erin?” Hailee suggested. “Maybe she got a better idea. Zayn doesn’t know about our plan yet. We thought it’d be good not to tell him in case it doesn’t work out.”

“That was clever.” Liam agreed, thinking about nothing but Zayn anymore. “I miss him so much.”

“I can imagine.” Harry whispered, glancing at Louis. “I’d die.”

“Why would you die?” Louis immediately asked, not getting the hint.

“He’d die if this would’ve happened to you two. Louis, how can you be that hard of understanding, bro?” Niall replied, laughing.

“Oh fuck off. I love Harry just as much as he loves m-“ When Louis realized what he’d just said he jumped to his feet and ran away, leaving Harry, who couldn’t close his mouth, behind.

“Did he just…he didn’t.” Hailee spoke up first. “Oh my god, Harry!”

“He just said that. He actually just said it right in front of you guys!” Harry responded, eyes wide open in shock. “He admitted it.”

“Louis is officially in love with Harry.” Niall repeated. “He’s told me before but he’s just confessed it!”

“He’s told you?!” Harry shrieked, fish mouthing at Niall.

“Yeah.” Niall simply said and Harry just shook his head, still shocked.

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?” Harry wanted to know. Eleanor shrugged.

“I know Louis is a bit complicated and you guys probably think it’s the best to leave him alone but my gut says you should follow him. My gut is a loyal hoe. Do it.” Liam suggested, grinning. He was happy for them even though he felt dead on the inside. He _was_ happy but maybe even a bit jealous because contrary to them, it wasn’t easy for Zayn and him at all. Not right now. Without saying anything else, Harry got up and followed Louis. “Now we have to change that plan, I guess. These two won’t be involved. Probably will be fucking each other's brains out in 20 minutes or so.”

“Well, I’ll be your partner in crime then. Shawn, you’ll be our security guy.” Niall immediately changed the plan. “Eat your breakfast already so that we can talk to Erin first.”

___

“This is such a stupid idea. We’re gonna fail so fucking hard.” Liam mumbled as Shawn checked if anyone was watching them.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You look like a nurse. You really do.” Shawn whispered back. “Pull that surgical mask over your face. Niall's idea was brilliant.”

Liam shook his head. “This is never going to work. The mask thingy makes it look so suspicious!” 

“You’re so paranoid. Just do it! You can at least try to sneak out, idiot.” Niall hissed, rolling his eyes while shaking his head. He was so annoyed by now, Liam almost felt sorry for him. He just couldn’t help it. His heart was simply racing and his palms were sweating. He was scared for god’s sake.

“When I say _Go!_ , you run, open that big door across from us and then leave. Erin said Zayn is two floors downstairs. Run, take the door on the left side and look for Erin. She’s gonna wait there.” Niall instructed and Liam already couldn’t breathe anymore. He wasn’t sure if he was nervous to see Zayn of if he was scared shitless because of their plan. 

“Like Erin said! Dr. Walker just left her office.” Shawn mumbled.

“Now Dr. Brown.” Niall added, Liam waiting right behind him, kneeling on the floor. “3…2…1…Go!”

“Go where?” Liam asked when he suddenly remembered. He took to his heels, ran across the floor, fiddled with the key Erin had _accidentally_ dropped, tore open the big door right in front of him and closed it again immediately. In the hallway, he took a deep breath. “I can do this.” He decided not to run downstairs but to just go slow as a normal nurse would.

When someone crossed his path he almost fainted. “Hello. Stressful day, isn’t it?” Liam wanted to die. He could do this. _Just act normal, Liam. Just be normal. Be a nurse._

“Yeah, it’s horrible! Can’t wait for this day to be over. See you later.” Liam casually replied. The other nurse, who wasn’t wearing a mask, laughed before she left. “Oh my god.” When he arrived on the right floor, Liam opened the door. Bye staircase, hello new unfamiliar hallway and a special hello to Liam’s fucking anxiety.

He spotted Erin, who was pretending to read something, only seconds later. He tapped on her shoulder as agreed on. “Hi.”

“You did it. Thank god.” Erin replied, smiling. “Remove that mask already. No nurse is wearing one on this floor!”

“Shawn and Niall annoyed me telling me to wear it and you tell me to remove it!” Liam complained, crossing his arms. “Can’t you make a final decision?!”

Erin cackled. “You know what, I just got a brilliant idea. Leave it on. Zayn has no idea you’re coming. We can surprise him properly. If anyone asks why you’re wearing a mask, say you got a cough.”

“Jesus Christ.” Liam mumbled, following Erin, who was now going straight up to a bright yellow door with the number 29 on it.

She stopped right in front of it and turned to him. “We have enough time. Don’t reveal yourself just yet. This could actually be funny.”

“You’re the worst. Maybe you’re one of us, Erin. Maybe you’re just pretending you’re an actual nurse.” Liam mocked her.

“Maybe, who knows.” Erin said, making Liam laugh too. “All jokes aside, I’m happy this is working out.”

“Can I see him now or do you want to go drink a coffee with me first?” Liam asked, joking too.

Erin pursed her lips.“Are you asking me out on a date, Liam?”

“You’re lovely but I already gave my heart to Zayn and that’s never going to change.” Liam instinctively said.

Erin winked. “See, that’s the reason why I’m risking my job for this. You two are adorable. I’ll be a bridesmaid at your wedding. You owe me!”

“There’s no bride. We’re both men.” Liam replied and Erin rolled her eyes.

“One has to wear a dress then.” she announced laughing. “Let’s go inside now.” Liam nodded as she opened the door.

And then he saw Zayn. He was lying in bed, wrapped up in a cozy white blanket, cuddling with a teddy bear while watching TV. He didn’t even notice them until Erin cleared her throat. He immediately tried to hide the teddy but failed miserably and Liam had to keep his shit together not to burst out laughing. Zayn was the cutest human being on earth and Liam was melting.

“Hey, Zayn. This is James. He’s new so he’s following me around today. That okay?” Erin lied. “He’s got a sore throat. Don’t worry about the mask. We just don’t want anyone to get sick.” Liam wordlessly waved.

“Hey, James. Nice to meet you.” Zayn mumbled, trying to smile. If he only knew it was Liam, then he’d smile for real. He was faking it, which Liam noticed straight away.

Erin sat down on the chair next to Zayn, and Liam, now also known as James, just stayed where he was. “Is it getting better?” What was she talking about? Zayn shrugged. Can I check on it?” Zayn shrugged again, his eyes looking empty. Liam was about to reveal himself, when Erin reached for Zayn’s left bandaged wrist. Liam didn’t want to see it. He didn’t. He couldn’t. Why was Erin doing this? “I gave Liam your note. He smiled.”

“He did? Did he say something? Anything?” Zayn suddenly asked.

“I didn’t see him when he opened it but he was excited when I gave it to him. He really misses you.” Erin replied, smiling happily. “He got one for you too, you know?”

“Can I have it? Please?” Zayn mumbled and Erin smiled.

She shrugged. “I can’t, because I forgot it upstairs. I’m so sorry, Zayn.” Liam didn’t like where this was going. Zayn looked devastated. Liam's didn’t fucking like this. What was Erin’s plan? This wasn’t funny at all.

“What did it say? Do you know?” Zayn went into it. Yeah, what did it say?! Liam hadn’t written something down for him at all.

“It said I’m gonna be your guys’ bridesmaid because you two owe me.” Erin announced, and Liam couldn’t help but suddenly giggle. Fuck.

Zayn looked at him and furrowed his brow but didn’t say anything. “That doesn’t even make sense, Erin.”

“Yes, it does.” Liam whispered, not being able to hide anymore.

“What do you know? You don’t even know who Liam is?” Zayn addressed him.

Liam approached him, sat down on Zayn’s bed and removed his mask. “Hello, butterfly.”

“Oh my god.” Zayn yelped with delight. “Holy fucking Batman! How did you do this?”

“Soo about being the bridesmaid thing…” Erin interrupted, laughing. “Just kidding. I’m gonna leave you two alone now. I’ll be back in three hours. Nobody is supposed to disturb you.”

“Thank you so much.” Zayn whispered, tears in his eyes. She smiled and left the room. “Liam.”

Liam looked into Zayn’s teary eyes. “Hello, sunshine.”

“I missed you so much I thought I was going to die.” Zayn confessed, silently asking for a kiss.

Liam slowly leaned down, careful not to accidentally touch Zayn’s wrist and then gently pressed their lips together. His heart went crazy before he pulled back to take in Zayn's beautiful face. “I missed you, too. So much, butterfly.”

“Liam, I thought I killed you or shit. I’m so fucking sorry. I just panicked and then freaked out. I didn’t want to do this. I swear, I didn’t.” Zayn suddenly rambled, tearing up again. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

“Didn’t want to do what?” Liam wanted to know as he gently kissed Zayn’s forehead again. God, he really loved him so much.

“I just cut a bit too deep. I didn’t _want_ to kill myself.” Zayn whispered, catching Liam off-guard.

He didn't say anything. He was just shocked until it suddenly dawned on him. He started laughing. "Yes, you did. You _wanted_ to kill yourself.” He grinned. “That’s it. You _wanted_ to kill yourself, Zayn.”

“No, I didn’t!” Zayn yelled, looking shocked.

“Zayn, you _wanted_ to end your life. That’s the solution!” Liam replied, sounding excited, while Zayn couldn't stop gaping at his boyfriend.

Zayn seemed to panic. “Are you on drugs? Baby, are you okay? What did they give you?”

It took Liam a few seconds to realize that Zayn had no clue what he was thinking. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, fuck. What the hell is going on?” Zayn snapped.

“Of course you didn’t.” Liam replied. “Baby, I believe you when you tell me you didn’t want to do that. But that’s the solution. You just tell Erin, that you wanted to kill yourself and that you lied when you said it was an accident. I guess that what you said, didn’t you?” Zayn nodded. “You have to stay at the psychiatric unit if you're suicidal. They can’t say no then. That’s the fucking solution to our problem. My love, just tell her you wanted to kill yourself and that you’ll try again if I leave, if we get separated again.”

Zayn couldn’t stop shaking his head. “But you snuck out, babe! If she calls Dr. Walker you’ll be in big trouble!”

“What is she supposed to do? I’m officially suicidal too. She can’t throw me out.” Liam explained, a smug look on his face. “My beautiful butterfly, let’s do this. We’re gonna be together again. I promise this is gonna work out.”

“I love a crazy person” Zayn mumbled to himself before he giggled.

“Me too, you’re just as bad as I am.” Liam replied, before they passionately kissed. “We’re gonna be together again.”


	12. Group Therapy

“And it worked out, guys. She was so shocked to hear that, she immediately called Dr. Walker, who arrived only 20 minutes later. Zayn should become a proper actor!” Liam told his friends, who were listening intently.

“I just said what you suggested me to tell her.” Zayn mumbled, nervously biting his lower lip.

“No, Zayn. _You_ did that.” Niall answered, patting his shoulder encouragingly. “You did a great job. I’m happy you’re back.”

“I don’t know if it’s a great thing to be back at a psychiatric unit, but thanks.” Zayn replied, without even thinking about his words.

Niall burst out laughing. “Cheeky!”

“Sorry.” Zayn whispered, but Liam just rolled his eyes.

“No! Don’t apologize for being yourself!” Niall shrieked, gaping at Zayn. “We want to get to know _you_. Everything about you.”

“Why would you want that? I’m boring.” Zayn went into it, blushing.

Niall cackled. “Yeah, because Liam over here would be interested in someone boring. Funny, that.”

Liam grinned and Zayn shrugged. “You’re everything but boring, butterfly.”

Niall made some weird sounds. “You called him butterfly. Can I dig my own grave already?! You two are so cute!”

“Not cuter than us!” Harry complained, crossing his arms.

“You bet your ass.” Zayn responded quickly. “We can _out-cute_ you within seconds.”

“I like that kind of Zayn. Zayn, please be _Zayn_ forever!” Louis said, sticking his tongue out at him.

“I’m trying. But you’re all so intimidating.” Zayn admitted, looking very shy. “You’re all so outgoing and happy and I’m just…Zayn.”

“You’re not _just_ Zayn. You’re the most amazing person when you open up. Take your time, babe.” Liam said, squeezing Zayn’s hand gently. “Just do and say what you feel comfortable with.” Zayn kissed his cheek and Liam blushed crimson.

Harry shrugged. “Yeah okay. Maybe you two _are_ the cutest.”

“Told ya.” Zayn replied, hiding his face in the crook of Liam’s neck as always. Liam loved it.

“I’m so not ready for group therapy. I can’t imagine talking about myself in front of everybody.” Liam suddenly said, making Hailee nod.

“I get it, Liam. It’s not as bad as you think it is though. It’s also not everybody! Our group consists of Louis, Harry, Niall, Taylor, Eleanor, Gigi, Grimmy, James, Shawn, Zayn, you and me.”

“Oh, really?” Liam broached the subject again. “I legit thought it’s everyone here.”

“No, it’s different groups.” Hailee informed him. “And you don’t have to speak up. Dr. Walker is gonna ask you questions but you never have to answer.”

“Okay.” Zayn all of a sudden said. “So I don’t have to open up about everything in front of all of you?”

Hailee shook her head. “No. It’s just an opportunity!”

"But I could?" Zayn asked again. Hailee nodded and smiled happily. Liam really liked her. 

“I’m nervous.” Liam admitted, fiddling around with his fingers. “What if I say something stupid by accident?”

“Won’t happen.” Louis interjected. “You can literally say whatever you want.”

“Hello everyone.” a familiar female voice interrupted their conversation. Dr. Walker. Great. Ugh. “What a wonderful day it is, isn’t it?” Nobody reacted. “I see you’ve already been waiting for me so why not start right now?"

“Hello.” Eleanor said, grinning at her. Dr. Walker smiled back. “I just wanted to say that I ate an apple this morning. It tasted good. I actually liked it.”

“I told you, Eleanor!” Liam suddenly answered. “So cool!”

“I didn’t even regret it. It’s weird? Just wanted to eat it, so I did it.” Eleanor continued.

Liam stuck his thumb in the air. “Step by step. An apple today, some bread tomorrow.” She smiled.

“Ah, I see. You two have been talking about Eleanor’s _problem_.” Dr. Walker determined. “That’s good news. How does it feel talking to Liam about that, Eleanor?”

“Okay? He’s a good listener.” she replied, making Zayn say something apparently nobody but Liam could hear.

“Louder. You can say it louder, Z.” Niall suddenly requested. “Tell them what you just said. Don’t worry.”

Zayn gave Niall a weak smile. “I just…said he _really_ is a good listener?” Niall proudly smiled at him.

“Is that so?” Dr. Walker wanted to know, apparently surprised at Zayn saying something. He nodded. “So you and Liam have had conversations as well?” Duh? Of course, they had? What a dumb question. Liam rolled his eyes.

“Um… yeah.” Zayn mumbled, looking on the floor. “I like him.” What was he saying?

“That’s nice, Zayn. Making friends will do you good.” Dr. Walker reassured him.

“Yeah… friends.” Zayn whispered and Liam immediately noticed that his voice was kinda…off.

“Zayn, what did you really want to talk about?” Liam simply asked, because he just _knew_ , Zayn hadn’t gathered his courage to say just that. He definitely _wanted t_ o use mentioned opportunity to talk about _something_. For some reason, he’d changed his mind without further ado though.

Zayn looked up, straight into Liam’s eyes and bit his lip. His eyes looked empty and sad. It scared the shit out of Liam. “I don’t know if I can talk about it.”

“You can talk about everything. There’s no restrictions or rules in this room, Zayn.” Dr. Walker reassured him.

“I’m scared everyone is gonna judge me or will think I’m disgusting.” Zayn admitted, especially looking for Liam’s reaction. Liam knew what was coming. He wasn’t ready for it.

“Whose reaction are you scared of?” Dr. Walker wanted to know, looking at everybody, trying to figure it out.

“I don’t speak much.” Zayn whispered, looking on the floor again. “But I want…I think it’s…Maybe people would understand why I’m hiding if I just…I want to talk about it?”

“Do it, butterfly.” Liam replied, not giving two fucks about using that pet name in front of everybody. “You can do it. I know it.” Dr. Walker observed them. Liam didn’t care. “You can talk about the _dinosaur_. It’s okay.” Everybody seemed to be confused, but Zayn got it straight away. He tensed up.

“I…when I was younger someone kind of…touched me.” Zayn muttered, fingers digging into his skin. “I didn’t want that.”

“Oh, Zayn…” Hailee said, tears already streaming down her face. Of course, she was the one who literally _felt_ that.

“It happened when…I don’t know. Between 14 and 16, I guess.” he continued and Liam already got sick again. “He was our neighbor.” Zayn didn’t look at Liam. “It wasn’t that bad in the beginning. Just a brush of hands here and there…touching my…butt…sometimes.”

“I’m gonna kill him.” Liam suddenly yelled. “I’m gonna…fuck.”

“Language.” Dr. Walker urged, eyes on Liam. 

“It wasn't my fault I fell in love with his son. It wasn't.” Zayn kept going, looking like he was talking to himself by now. He just kept staring into space and it was…Liam wanted to hug him so bad but he let him speak. “He just didn’t like it.”

“Can I ask a question?” Louis suddenly said, looking at Zayn who just nodded. So he _was_ aware of everybody listening. Okay. What wasn’t okay was, that Louis obviously had managed to put one and one together again. Already. Liam wanted to die. “You fell in love with your neighbors’ son, right? And Liam said he’s gonna kill _him_. So we’re talking about the son’s father?” Zayn nodded. “I assume he’s a homophobe then.” Liam nodded. Fuck, why had he done that? “I’m really sorry this happened to you, Zayn. I just don’t understand it. If he’s homophobic, why would he touch you?”

“I get, what you want to say, Louis, just don’t make Zayn feel kind of trapped or pressured, okay?” Dr. Walker interrupted. “It’s amazing that he’s talking about it. We’re all very proud of you, Zayn.”

“He’s not really a homophobe. He is but not in the way you think he could be. He just hates that…Fuck. I can’t say it.” Zayn mumbled to himself.

“No.” Liam whispered. He understood, but it couldn’t be. “Definitely not.”

“Yes, Liam.” Zayn just answered. “He’s…he hates that he’s secretly into men as well. He hates his own ass for that, married a woman, conceived a child…”

“No way in hell.” Liam replied, looking at Zayn who did the same. “This doesn’t…what?”

“And he got jealous because he knew that his son…He assumed that the feelings were mutual. He didn’t want his son to be happy with another boy. First of all, he was disgusted and second he also hated the idea of his son having what he could never have.” Zayn explained, tearing up.

“Zayn, this makes no sense. Why would he…I’m gonna get sick.” Liam said, already gagging.

“When I was 15 it all really started. He blackmailed me into doing things I never wanted to do.” Zayn continued, looking at Liam, not caring about the others. “He told me if I didn’t do what he wanted me to do he’d made sure his son would just disappear one day.” Liam shook his head. This wasn’t real. This hadn't happened. “And I couldn’t deal with that. I couldn’t imagine living without the boy I grew up with, without my best friend and the person I’d fallen in love with.”

“So you did it.” Liam concluded, face turning white.

“I let him touch me against my will. I let him do…a lot. I did a lot.” Zayn admitted, not looking away. “I felt horrible. I was disgusted and I just…hated myself. But losing _you_ would’ve been worse.”

“Wait, what?” Niall shrieked when he realized what Zayn had just said.

Zayn didn’t answer, just continued while staring at Liam. “I never wanted to lose you. I did everything I could somehow reconcile with my conscience. Somehow in a sense of _What can I put up with in order not to lose Liam?_ He’d just said it out loud. Everybody knew now. Shit. Zayn didn’t care. He didn’t. What was he doing?” “But I just couldn’t…couldn’t do what he wanted me to do when I turned 16. I couldn’t.”

“And that’s why we all of a sudden _had_ to move? Why he sent me to that boarding school? Why we never spoke again? Never even remotely got the chance to have contact again? Oh my god.” Liam concluded while everyone else was staring at the both of them. Dr. Walker included.

“It’s my fault what happened to you afterwards, that you had to deal with your horrible parents, that you lost my family which had become your own over the years, that you lost your best friend. It’s my fault that you’re dealing with depression.” Zayn rambled, full on crying by now. “Everything is my fault. I should’ve just said yes, but I couldn’t. Liam, I’m so sorry.”

Liam got up, knelt down in front of Zayn, wrapped his arms around him, buried his face in Zayn’s lap and started crying like a baby. He didn’t care what it looked like, didn’t give a fuck about people watching them or anything. He just wanted nothing of this story to be real.

“I think it’s time for everybody except for Zayn and Liam to leave this room right now. If you need to talk about _this_ , knock on my door later.” Dr. Walker spoke up. “I want everybody to leave _now_.” Liam didn’t move, just heard people walk away until it got quiet. “Liam I want you to sit down next to Zayn, please.” He couldn’t. “Please.”

“Bumblebee, come on. Sit down next to me.” Zayn whispered, hand running through Liam’s hair. “Li.”

Liam got up like a robot, sat down next to Zayn. He didn’t feel anything. There was nothing but darkness. Numb. Dead. Numb. Darkness. Numb.

“Liam, what has happened to Zayn isn’t your fault even though you think that right now.” Dr. Walker told him. “There was no way you could’ve noticed what was going on. There was no way you could’ve stopped that. And it’s definitely _not_ your fault.”

“It is my fault.” Liam whispered, tears spilling. “All of this is my fault. I wasn’t…If I…I’m so fucking sorry.”

“It isn’t, Liam. Your dad is…he’s just a horrible person. I didn’t want to lose you. I did all of that. I allowed this to happen because I just didn’t…couldn’t live without you. It’s your dad’s fault and…and if anything it’s my own.”

“It’s neither Liam nor yours’, Zayn.” Dr. Walker interjected. “It’s solely Mr. Payne’s.”

“Are you hurting yourself because of that?” Liam suddenly wanted to know, looking devastated.

“I’m…because…I can’t deal with what happened. All of it. I felt dead on the inside and I just…wanted to feel _something..._ wanted to feel alive?” Zayn tried to explain himself. “Ever since you’re back it’s…it’s better.”

“Yeah, you’ve been cutting less, Zayn. I’ve noticed.” Dr. Walker said. “But let’s be honest, right now. You lied to me when you said you wanted to kill yourself. That's not really you. You two just made this up so that I’d agree to you coming back here.” Zayn nodded. “Are you two friends or is it more?”

“We don’t want you to separate us again. We can’t deal with it. Please don’t do it.” Liam said, panicking. “We need each other. You know our story.”

“So you’re in love. Still.” Dr. Walker put one and one together.

“Always.” Zayn whispered, taking Liam’s hand.

“You get the same free pass as Mr. Horan and Hailee then. If being a couple helps you two, then be a couple. Fighting together sometimes is easier than fighting alone. We’ll just change some things. We’ll talk three times a week from now on. I want you two to speak to me one to one but I also would like to speak to the both of you at the same time. You can share a room again and there’s no limit to PDA except for something like sex.” Dr. Walker said, making both of them gape at her in disbelief.

“You already knew we were dating, weren’t you?” Liam wanted to know.

“Of course. It’s my job, isn’t it?” I also know about Louis and Harry.” Dr. Walker responded, smiling. “You two can leave this room now. You got the day off to just be together and talk. If it’s getting too much, please stop and come talk to me."


	13. Story Of My Life

“Hey, Zayn? Can I talk to you?” Hailee asked, smiling while carefully touching Zayn’s upper arm. “Just you and I, maybe?” 

“You scare me.” Zayn replied, pressing himself against Liam’s side. “Did I do something?”

“Of course not! Don’t worry. I just thought that…I don’t know. Liam can you just leave us alone for one minute? You can wait right there, across from us. It’s just something for Zayn’s ears only. You’re so protective, I don’t even dare to speak up when you’re constantly checking for Zayn’s reaction. It’s super cute and I wish I knew how that’s like but, you know? Just one second! If he doesn't wanna talk I’ll call you immediately. I don’t even have to do that because you’d notice straight away.”

Liam laughed. “Sorry, I can’t help it. Is that okay, Zayn?” Zayn nodded shyly. “I’ll be right there.” Liam pointed at the door across from them. “Outside.” Zayn nodded again before Liam kissed his forehead and left.

* * *

**ZAYN’S POV**

“I’m almost jealous of what you two have.” Hailee said and smiled. It didn't reach her eyes though, which was kinda weird. “What you told us about yesterday…Do you think you could talk about these things again?” Zayn shrugged. “I mean if you knew somebody who could relate? Could understand?”

“Probably?” Zayn mumbled. “I don’t even know why I told my story in front of everyone. Probably because of Liam. It’s always because of him in the end.”

“When you’re getting married, I want you to invite everyone here. Gonna be fun!” Hailee responded, grinning broadly. “You already know what happened to me, right?”

He just shrugged, because they’d never really talked about it and he didn’t even know why she was currently asking either. He felt insecure without Liam by his side and even though he could see him, he wasn’t right next to him and that didn’t feel right. “Yeah.”

“I think…I never told anybody exept for my therapist what happened to me. The whole story.” Hailee continued and took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s a bit similar to your story. Maybe we can understand each other.”

Zayn’s eyes filled with tears because just the thought of that sweet girl going through something similiar was horrible. “Similiar to mine? Oh god.”

She slightly nodded. “Kind of, I guess.”

“Well, we could try? The _Time Out Room_ is my favorite room. Wanna talk there?” Zayn wanted to know, feeling the need to share their stories all of a sudden. “I don’t wanna lie to Liam though. Can I tell him we’re meeting there?”

“Of course. I just don’t…He's lovely but I don't want you to tell him okay? I know you love him and all that but…you know?” Hailee rambled, nervously scratching her head. “It would make me feel uncomfortable talking to him again. “Not even Niall knows, which isn’t a relevant statement but, yeah.”

“Of course not. Liam wouldn’t even ask me twice if I told him I don’t want to talk about it. He’s amazing, don’t worry.” Zayn reassured her before he instinctively hugged her. He didn’t know why, but his gut had just told him to do it. “Let’s tell Liam we’re going there.” Zayn turned to Liam and waved. Liam didn’t even hesitate, just approached them again within seconds.

Liam protectively wrapped his arm around Zayn. He loved it. Liam made him feel so safe, not even his horrible anxiety could do anything against it. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Is it okay if I talk to Hailee for a while? I’m sure you can hang out with Louis in the meantime?” Zayn asked curiously, grinning. “We have to talk about girls’ stuff!”

Liam cackled and rolled his eyes. “I’m dating a woman now. Good to know. Hi there, girl.” Zayn playfully nudged him with his elbow. “Sure. It’s okay. You guys just talk about whatever. I’ll annoy Louis and Harry in the meantime and go check on Eleanor.”

Hailee kissed Liam’s cheek. Zayn didn’t want to become jealous but this was _his_ cheek no matter how sweet Hailee was. Ugh. “You’re the real angel here, Liam. It’s not me. Thank you for everything.” _His_ angel. _His_ Liam. “Zayn you’re jealous. Don’t worry. He’s all yours.”

“I’m not.” Zayn snapped, biting his lower lip.

“You definitely are.” Liam agreed and laughed, making Zayn groan. “It’s cute but I’m gonna let you two go talk now. See you later. If you need me, you know where I am, babe. Bye, Hailee!”

“Love you.” Zayn mumbled, quickly pecked Liam’s lips, grabbed Hailee's hand and dragged her along. Liam laughed out loud when Zayn and Hailee left him behind. “I wasn’t jealous!”

Hailee pursed her lips. “Why is it bad to be jealous? I’d be jealous too if Liam was my boyfriend. He’s a keeper.” Zayn opened the _Time Out Room_ ’s door. “You’ve been here before often, haven’t you?”

“It’s literally like my second room.” Zayn replied, plopping down on the sofa, letting go of Hailee’s hand. “Come, join me, it’s comfy!” She giggled and sat down next to him without so much of protesting. “We got 15 minutes. But I can have 30 too because Erin kind of likes me. We’re friends.”

Hailee couldn’t look him in the eyes. She tried but she failed. Zayn knew how she probably felt like because whenever he wanted to talk about his past, he couldn’t really look at anyone either. A mixture of shame and disgust, that’s what it was whenever he opened up. “I figured.”

Zayn didn’t want to force her to talk, but he wanted to give her a chance. “So what do you want to talk about? If you still want to talk?”

“I really thought I’d tell Liam my story one day because he seemed to genuinely care about all of us. He’s absolutely precious, you know? I wish I could take his depression away but I’m happy that you’re currently doing it without even realizing. Watching out for you, making sure you’re okay and especially loving you suddenly fills that hole inside of him. And having friends does him good too. It’s a pleasure to see how he’s not walking around looking like a zombie all day long anymore.” Hailee answered, making sure Zayn was listening. “When he first arrived here, he looked a mess, you know? I assumed we’d eventually be able to make him feel better but when you came along I honestly knew he’d be okay again one day. I want nothing more than a happy end for both of you. And I wanted to thank you for making me smile that much because of watching you two making heart eyes at each other.”

“Liam said he called you an angel once and I really get it. You’re an amazing person.” Zayn replied, grinning at her. “Thank you so much for thinking about Liam all the time. He deserves the best because he’s never really been loved you know? My family indeed kind of adopted him when he was still little, but even though I can say my parents did everything in their power to make him feel loved, it’s still hard to know your own parents are horrible and that they don’t give a shit about you.” She nodded. “ And he’s recently told me that he honestly thinks you’re his first friends. I’ve been his friend, sure, but that’s different. He’s smiling so hard when he’s talking about you guys. It’s honestly the best thing ever.”

“You two are the angels, honestly. I’ve never met people as genuine and caring as you two.” Hailee said, her hand on top of Zayn’s knee. “I know we haven’t talked that much yet, but Zayn, I’m sorry I ever thought you’re horrible. I’m incredibly impressed with how strong you are and I just want to let you know that. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You deserve nothing but the best. You and Liam will get through all of this, marry and have three children, two dogs a big house and an amazing life because that’s what I want for you.” 

“You’re gonna make me cry. I thought you’d maybe make me feel uncomfortable because my anxiety can be a pain in the ass, but you’re nothing but kind.” Zayn admitted, eyes watery.

“When you told us about your story, it was the first time I thought that maybe someone could understand me.” Hailee addressed the elephant in the room. “Your situation is different, yeah, but I think you might feel the same. That shame, disgust, hate, desperation and self-hatred kind of demon inside of you.”

“Yeah, sometimes there are so many emotions I feel at the same time I just want to scream and run away. And then I just feel numb. That’s when I usually cut myself. I hate that I’m doing it but Liam makes me want to stop. He doesn’t know how often I went to the bathroom and reached for the razorblade I’ve hidden there when he was just waiting outside. And he doesn’t know that I never did it either, simply because he _was_ there.” Zayn responded, understanding what she meant immediately. “Feeling ashamed is the worst though. I know I shouldn’t be because it wasn’t really my fault but I can’t help it.”

“One day someone will write a book about you two.” Hailee suddenly announced before she continued. “God, I’m so proud of you. One day you’ll see your old scars and know that you stopped doing it. You’ll be incredibly proud of yourself. You should already be. It’s amazing.” She took a deep breath. “And the shame is the worst, you’re right.”

“I declined to let him…do it.” Zayn suddenly told her. She’d just lifted a burden off his shoulders and had no clue. Zayn had never mentioned that part of the story. To anyone. “I couldn't let him do it. I tried to force myself at least three times to go to his house and just say yes to get over with it but I couldn’t. I felt like betraying Liam even though he didn’t know that I was in love with him. I mean, we weren't even dating but still.”

“Oh my god, Zayn.” Hailee sobbed, wrapping his arm around him.

“So he forced me to…to do it the other way round. I agreed to that simply because I thought it’d be enough. It wasn’t. Liam was gone only a few days later.” Zayn sniveled. “I felt so fucking used, so dirty and ashamed of myself. And I did everything in my power to contact Liam, but it didn't work out. I sent him letter after letter but he never answered. I called him every day but nobody answered. I sent him mails and tried to contact him in any way possible. Nothing. I even called his horrible father once. I…I told him he could do it just so that he’d bring Liam back. He laughed, said I’d never see him again and hung up. A short while later someone sent me blurry pictures of a grave. Fresh flowers and all that shit surrounding it. For ages, I was convinced Liam was dead, Hailee.”

“I don’t even know what to say. I didn’t think it could get any worse.” Hailee whispered, sobbing uncontrollably.

“My mom met Liam’s mother over a year later. She is a horrible person, always has been but when my mom offered her condolences to her with tears in her eyes, the woman was flabbergasted. She mentioned that Liam was alive and well! Before my mom got the chance to find out more, she’d disappeared with a disgusted look on her face.”

“He’s sent you the photos, hasn’t he?” Hailee went into it. “What a horrible person. I can’t put it into words.”

“Found out later, that it was his own friend’s grave. I’m still disgusted.” Zayn explained. “And then I tried everything to find Liam more than ever because I knew he was somewhere out there. Alive. Breathing. It didn’t work out! After a while, I gave up. I got drunk every day, tried drugs and started cutting. Since nothing helped I started having sex with dozens of people, acting like a fucking slut because I wanted to fill that hole in my heart. Never letting…never like...you know. Still haven’t done that. Because of Liam. For Liam. I’m an idiot.”

Hailee shook her head, took his hand and answered. “No, you’re not.” 

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.” Zayn whispered, staring into space.

“Because you know that I feel the same things. It’s a different story but we’ve both been abused.” Hailee stated, hugging Zayn tightly once again. “Look at you. You’re not getting drunk anymore and you’re not a drug addict. You want to stop hurting yourself. And you not only got Liam back, but you’re also dating him. If that’s not fate, I don’t know what is.”

“Yeah.” Zayn mumbled, heart racing like crazy. He felt dizzy.

“Can I ask you something personal?” Hailee suddenly wanted to know. He nodded. “Sex. How is sex for you? And have you and Liam ever…Was it good? It sounds stupid but I just can’t imagine…doing it.”

“Actually when I decided to fuck random people I felt nothing. Sure you come and shit but it’s just…I don’t know how to describe it. It didn’t really enjoy it? I actually felt even more disgusting afterwards. I just thought these feelings would eventually go away. With Liam? No. I don’t even…Nothing yet.” Zayn explained, trying not to think about Liam too much right now. “I’m scared I’ll see his dad when…you know. Whenever I think about it I freak out.”

Hailee cracked a sad but genuine smile. “I can imagine but I’m sure then whenever you’re both ready for it you’ll only see Liam, the man you love. I’m sure he’ll be gentle and caring. He’s 100% gonna make you feel loved and comfortable. Don’t think about that situation too much, Zayn. I’m certain he doesn’t even think about sex at all at the moment. Maybe you’re gonna joke around, make out or whatelse but he’d never force you into it. Just talk to him about it once you feel ready for it. Just tell him how anxious you are when you think about being intimate with him. Liam will listen and understand. Don’t worry.”

“What about you, Hailee? What’s your story you wanted to talk about?” Zayn distracted. “You don’t have to tell me anything but when you want to speak about something, anything, really, you can tell me.”

“What if I’m gonna scare you away? Maybe you’ll think I’m disgusting afterwards.” Hailee spoke under her breath.

“Zayn raised his eyebrows. “Did you just judge me? No. Did you think for one second I was disgusting? You sure as hell didn’t. I’d never do that either. None of what happened to you is your fault. That I know for sure. If anything I’m gonna think about murdering someone because you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You deserve nothing but happiness and a carefree life.”

“Please don’t interrupt me otherwise I won’t be able to continue.” Hailee muttered, looking at Zayn with pleading eyes. "When I was twelve years old my mom had a horrible car accident which she didn’t survive. I moved in with my aunt, who had never really liked me. My dad came to visit me from time to time. In the beginning we’ve had a lot of fun, I remember. He even took me to a zoo once. We really bonded, which meant a lot given the fact that I hadn’t seen him often because of my parents’ divorce. So naturally, I started staying at his house for a few days until after a while he managed to get custody and I moved in."

She gulped. "I've had the best time for months but then, all of a sudden, he became the first person to violate me physically. After the first time he did, there was no going back. He just abused me whenever he felt like it. Physically, sexually, emotionally. Everything. When I turned thirteen he told his best friend about it, which I think is incredibly disturbing. Instead of doing something to help me, his accepted my father’s offer. My dad had literally sold me to him." Zayn couldn't move.

"I was forced to touch his private parts which soon became a regular thing. He would come over, drink a beer with my dad, and then made me perform different sexual acts till he was satisfied. I didn’t know what I was doing back then. I felt helpless and just kept doing it out of fear and confusion, I guess." Hailee continued.

"When I was 14 my own dad raped me for the first time. I remember that when I wanted to get dressed again, how there were blood stains on the bed, and that I was hurting a lot. But I had no one to speak to. I used to silently cry during showers, alone in bed and try to forget all my pain and start a new day every morning. I missed my mom during such moments like crazy. I made up a whole story in my head, that she was still around but that I couldn’t see her."

Zayn wanted her to stop. He didn't want to believe this. This couldn't have happened to her. He wanted to scream but he just let her speak.

"My dad and his friends, yes, several friends, did this regularly afterwards. Even together. When I turned 15 I couldn’t take it anymore. The anxiety and depression had taken a toll on me. I tried to kill myself and was put in a hospital for a few days. Nobody came to visit me. Not even once. When I got out of hospital he and his best friend picked me up and the horror continued, got worse even. "

No. Just no. No. No. No.

"Until I turned 21 I was forced to talk about sex, was forced to kiss and touch men my dad had introduced me to and was raped on a weekly basis. I simply blacked out when this was happening to me. I would be always left with pain and nothing else. "Around December that year, I spontaneously went to the hospital. I met Dr. Walker and told her my story to escape."

"I’m 22 now and I wanted somebody else to know.” She took a deep breath. “And I initially thought it’d be Niall but things can change quickly, can’t they? I’m glad you know now, because I’m sure you’ll never forget me or my story. Thank you so much.”

Zayn was a crying mess when Hailee was done talking. They held each other until nurse Erin came check on them.

 

* * *

**LIAM’S POV**

The next morning could’ve been a good one with Liam and Zayn waking up in the same bed, legs entwined and noses almost touching. It could have until someone had knocked on their door to wake them up way too early, to tell them to come to the group room immediately. And now, in a circle of chairs, they were almost all sitting here, waiting for _something_ to happen.

“I’m way too tired for this shit. It’s 6 am. There better be a good reason to kick all of us out of bed at ass ‘o clock in the morning. I hate everything and everyone.” Louis grumbled, head on Harry’s shoulder.

“I don’t even care right now. I’m tired. Nothing could be important enough to annoy us already.” Eleanor whined, crossing her arms.

“Yeah, what is this?” Shawn added before he shamelessly closed his eyes.

“Liam, can we go back to bed already?” Zayn mumbled, holding Liam’s hand. “I’m so tired. I barely slept last night.”

“I know, butterfly. Just close your eyes, yeah? If you fall asleep, I’ll just wake you up.” Liam suggested, smiling at Zayn, who looked adorable with that sleepy look on his face. “You can lean against my shoulder too, you know?”

“I don’t wanna talk about anything today.” Zayn whispered, accepting Liam’s offer. “So tired.” Liam gently squeezed Zayn’s hand and kissed his head.

“All the love in here is disgusting. All of you could date me but you chose someone else. I’m appalled.” Taylor interrupted. “Can we go back to our rooms now, or what? This shit show is annoying. Not that I need beauty sleep but nothing is worth waking me up.”

“Good morning, everyone.” Dr. Walker said, as she entered the room, sitting down next to Zayn, who opened his eyes again as quick as possible. “Can everybody calm down now and please listen to me?” A murmur went through the crowd. “I know it’s very early in the morning but under certain circumstances all of you needed to be woken up by our nurses.”

“Assholes. Bitches.” James interrupted, flinching involuntarily. Everyone burst out laughing. Usually, they didn’t because Tourettes Syndrome wasn’t funny but even James himself cackled.

Liam wanted to know what was going on. “Can you please stop beating around the bush, Dr. Walker? I don’t want to be rude but I got the worst headache in history, Zayn can barely keep his eyes open, Louis is gonna be grumpy forever and -“

“As you may have noticed Mr. Horan and Hailee aren’t present.” Dr. Walker interrupted Liam. “That’s because I have to tell you something that’s gonna be very sad and maybe disturbing for all or some of you guys.” Liam furrowed his brow. “I really don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m gonna make it short. I just want everyone to know that me and Dr. Brown will be here all day long. You can always come to talk to us.”

“You wanted to make it short.” Harry reminded her, grimacing.

“Sadly, one of our patients committed suicide this morning.” Dr. Walker announced. Liam’s jaw dropped, Zayn burst out crying immediately and Louis just gaped at her. “As I’m sure everybody knows, Mr. Horan, or Niall as you know him, was dating Hailee so he’s in shock and therefore separated from the group for a while. I’m really sorry.”

“Oh my god.” Zayn whispered, shaking. “No.”

“But why? She wasn’t even sad! She was happy! We only laughed about nonsense yesterday! What happened? This can’t be true!” Liam shrieked, still not believing Dr. Walker.

“Yeah! She’s been doing so good lately! It doesn’t make sense!” Harry added, staring into space. “She’d never…no.” Louis wrapped his arms around Harry to comfort him.

“First of all, it’s nobody’s fault.” Dr. Walker said, which made Zayn flinch all of a sudden. “She actually left a letter for the whole group and an extra one for Niall and one for Liam and Zayn. I haven't decided yet if I think it’s a good idea to give them to you.”

“It’s for us! You have to.” Louis yelled, not letting go off Harry. “You have to!”

“It’s my fault.” Zayn suddenly said, making all of them gape at him. “Because of what I told everyone two days ago. It triggered her and she… I just…I killed her.”

“I already said it’s nobody’s fault, Zayn.” Dr. Walker reassured him. “Nobody knows, but she’s tried it before. I’m sure you’re right about your story being a trigger for her since she was raped but it’s not your fault.”

“Of course it is! It should’ve been me instead of her.” Zayn yelled, tears streaming down his face as he jumped to his feet. Liam pulled him into his arms and sat back down so that Zayn landed on his lap. He hugged him tightly. “Liam, it’s my fault, oh my god.”

“If anything it’s probably Niall’s. I don’t want to say it, because I think you can’t actually blame anyone when someone’s committing suicide but I don’t know… I just don’t want you to think it’s your fault, Zayn. Hailee told me yesterday night that she’s incredibly impressed and proud of you. She said that you’re the strongest person she’s ever met. ” Shawn stated, staring at Zayn. “She mentioned that if you two would’ve talked earlier, you would’ve probably become very good friends.”

“I hate this.” Louis screamed and rushed out of the room. Harry didn’t follow him.

“Dr. Brown is outside. Don’t worry about Louis.” Dr. Walker explained. “He won’t be alone.”

“Niall broke up with her last night.” Shawn continued, making Harry, Liam, Zayn, and Eleanor gape at him. “Before she's told me.”

“But why?! It doesn’t even make sense! They were so cute!” Eleanor whined, eyes finally welling up with tears too. “Hailee even said, that Niall and her once talked about life after hospital and how they could imagine getting married one day!”

Shawn shrugged. “He’s cheated.”

“Never in a million years. Nobody but her can touch him and he wouldn’t touch anybody else either. Don’t make up shit.” Harry ranted, fists clenching. “Niall became one of my best friends in the entire world, he would’ve told me!”

“Shawn is telling the truth.” Dr. Walker informed them. “Mr. Horan told me about this too. He’s very open about everything when we’re talking.”

“But with whom?!” Harry murmured. “I would’ve noticed.”

“Not me even though I’m fabulous.” Taylor said, making everyone roll their eyes.

“Me neither.” Eleanor said almost immediately.

“Nope.” Grimmy grumbled, before he left the room, seemingly unbothered. Unlikeable idiot. James shrugged with a sad look in his face and followed him outside.

“Zayn, Harry, Louis and me neither. We’re all…nope.” Liam murmured, waiting for enlightenment.

“You are both couples. You can say it, Liam.” Dr. Walker said, nodding encouragingly.

“You know about me and Louis?” Harry wanted to know, seemingly surprised. Dr. Walker nodded. “Oh.”

“Which means it was Gigi.” Zayn concluded.

“Never in a million years. But I’d be interested in _you_.” Gigi replied, grinning broadly.

“He declines.” Liam snapped. “And quite frankly, my too. Keep your hands to yourself. And eyes.” Zayn silently kissed Liam’s cheek.

“At least your tried, Gigi.” Harry added, visibly trying not to cry. “Neither me, nor Zayn is gonna date you. Get that in your head once and for all.” She tapped her forehead at them and rushed out of the room.

Out of the corner of his eye, Liam noticed how Zayn wanted to say something but couldn’t gather the courage. “You can say it, babe. Go for it.”

“Shawn.” Zayn mumbled. “The only one who is left is Shawn.”

“What about me?” he asked, nervously licking his lower lip.

Zayn fiddled around with his fingers, not being able to stop sobbing. “You knew about it because it was _you_.”

“Niall and Shawn?!” Harry shrieked, eyes widening. “Wait, what?”

Shawn nodded, looking on the floor. “Zayn, I told you it wasn’t _your_ fault.”

Harry shook his head. “But he recently said he’d never do a man and that he thinks he’s 100% straight. What a liar?” 

“Why is that even relevant, honestly?! Niall can do whatever he wants. If he’s interested in Shawn now, let him. Who fucking cares? Hailee is _dead_!” Liam shouted, shocked look on his face. “I can’t believe we’re actually talking about this, when she’s gone. Maybe we should realize that it’s everybody’s fault. We didn’t even notice!”

Dr. Walker didn’t let him go on. “It’s _nobody’s_ fault, Liam. I know you’re sad now and shocked, but I know for a fact, that there’s more she hasn’t told anybody about. She mentioned she’s been raped, but she’s never told her full story. As her therapist, I can say that she’s been through a lot. If you want to go pray, you can do that. If you're angry, let it out. If you want to be alone, let me know. Everyone is dealing with grief differently.

“I know it.” Zayn whispered scarcely audible. “I know her full story.”


	14. Six Weeks

It had been six weeks since Hailee had passed away. Weeks full of trying to cope with it. Weeks full of denial, confusion, anger, and weird behavior. But mostly grief. And nobody really knew how to behave anymore. Everyone was doing their own thing, was focussing on their own problems and not trying to make others upset. And it annoyed Liam. To death.

He didn’t want people to act differently. He understood that everyone had to deal with a friend passing away but he didn’t understand why nobody wanted to talk about her. They all ignored that Hailee had been their friend. Whenever someone only mentioned her name everything got tense and within seconds a group of people sitting together to talk dissolved into someone sitting here and someone sitting there. On their own. Liam was sick and tired of it.

But that wasn’t even the main issue. What he really couldn’t stand was Niall’s behavior. Everything he did wasn’t normal at all. While everyone was sad he just pretended Hailee had left the hospital and was living her life. Two weeks after she’d died Niall had come back and ever since that day Liam wanted to punch him in the face. He didn’t blame him for her death or something like that, but he just wished he’d stop pretending she was okay. She wasn't.

God, his whole group of friends was fucked up at the moment. Louis had become an aggressive mess. You couldn’t talk to him at all anymore. Whenever he got the chance he yelled at someone, even attacked them. He only ever snapped anymore and flipped people off. Harry had stopped talking completely and was avoiding everyone, Eleanor cried all day long, Taylor had become even worse of a bitch, Shawn blamed himself and Zayn?

Zayn worried Liam the most. Not exactly in a bad way, but everything about him had changed and it was weird. He’d stopped cutting. Not one single injury within the last weeks. Not one attempt. Nothing. He’d stopped being quiet. He’d stopped being anxious. He’d stopped hiding, had stopped trying to be invisible. He seemed absolutely carefree and…alive. Liam liked that Zayn seemed to be happy but he didn’t trust the whole thing. What if Zayn was bottling it all up and in the end ended like Hailee? Liam was scared shitless, that he was.

So it wasn’t really a surprise when Liam snapped, as they sat on their table for lunch, not talking at all. “You know what? You’re all fucked up people. I’ve hold that in for six weeks now but I’m sick of it. You either start talking about her now or I’m gonna make you. She got a name. It’s Hailee. We’ve been good friends! You can just keep quiet. What the hell happened to you guys? Louis, you’ve become a horrible person! Everyone is scared of you! You’re constantly screaming and making people flinch! You even attacked James! What is wrong with you?! It’s okay to be angry but you need to accept the fact that Hailee is gone! Stop being in denial!” Louis wanted to say something but Liam didn’t let him.

“Harry, you’ve stopped talking! When did you decide that not speaking at all was a good idea? It’s not! It’s completely annoying that you don’t even answer when someone asks you a dumb question! How does it help?! Hailee would kick your ass for that. Stop being mute!” Harry flinched.

“Shawn stop blaming yourself for her death. Did you kill her?! Did you?! No, you didn’t. Stop that self-hatred behavior just because you like Niall. It’s so fucking dumb. She didn’t say a single bad thing when it comes to you. She wouldn’t blame you either. As hard as it sounds, it was her decision. Not yours! Not anybody’s!” Shawn didn’t look at Liam.

“Eleanor, stop crying! You’ve cried enough now. You can be sad for as long as you need to but you need to stop. Look at your eyes! They’ve been swollen for ages now and your whole face is puffy! I’m not saying you’re ugly or anything, just take care of yourself again. You haven’t used makeup in weeks! You haven’t combed your goddamn hair. Hailee would be worried sick about you. You need to live again!” Eleanor cried. Of course, she did.

“Niall? Look at me!” Niall grinned. “Stop fucking laughing and grinning. I’m gonna make it clear now so that you get it in your stubborn head already. Hailee is dead! She’s not living her life somewhere else. She died. She’s committed suicide and she’s not coming back. You have to accept it. It’s not Shawn’s fault, nor is it yours but she’s gone!” Niall shook his head. “Don’t say no. She is dead!”

“No, she’s not.” Niall screamed, making everyone gape at him.

“Yes, Niall. Hailee is not coming back. I’m so sorry but she’s not here anymore. You won’t see her again. Niall, please.” Niall burst out crying. “Fucking finally.” Harry pulled him in his arms. “You’re not alone. We’re all here for you. It’s about time you cry. I’m so sorry I had to say all of that.”

“She’s dead, Liam.” Niall whined, tears streaming down his face. “She’s gone.”

“Yes, she is.” Liam said, squeezing Niall’s hand. “But it’s not your fault.”

Niall pressed himself against Harry’s chest. “But you guys know what I did.”

“Niall, stop it. You can’t blame yourself for this. Whatever it was between you and Shawn, it has nothing to do with Hailee’s death. I’ve mentioned it before, so I’m gonna do it again. She’s told me what happened to her before she…she decided to…leave. I thought what happened to me was bad, but you have no idea what she’s been through. I’m gonna be honest with you guys, I’m surprised she hasn’t done it earlier. She hasn’t _just_ been raped which already would be horrible enough, her father has literally sold her to his friends. Everything she’s told me about is…You can’t imagine it. Liam is right. We should stop being weird and try to get better. For us. For her. We can all get out of here if we try. We need to get out of here, live our lives and move on. That’s what’s right. That’s what she’d want for us.” Zayn suddenly interjected, making everybody listen intently.

“That’s why you’re like that.” Liam concluded, gaping at him.

“Like what?” Zayn asked, furrowing his brow.

“You’ve changed, butterfly. You got me worried sick but now I understand. You just… wow.” Liam mumbled, smiling proudly.

“I’m not gonna hurt myself ever again and I’m not gonna stay here for shit.” Zayn said, grinning at Liam. “And I’m gonna make sure these monsters are getting what they deserve. Including your…begetter. He’s not your dad. My dad is your dad. Fuck him.”

“Hey, Zayn? Please don’t ever do the same thing. Please talk to us if you ever feel…something like that.” Harry spoke up, taking Liam aback.

“I’d never.” Zayn replied, making Liam flinch. “Let’s promise ourselves to get out of here as soon as possible, live our lives and stay friends forever until we die because we’re old.”

“Okay.” Louis said, smiling. “Fuck everything. Let’s do this. Let’s live.”

“Hey, Louis?” Harry asked, looking at him with big eyes. “Are we officially dating now then?”

“Are you stupid?” Louis responded, laughing. “Maybe just marry me one day?”

“Did you just propose to him like that?!” Liam shrieked, mouth agape. “You can’t just do it like that!”

“Hey, Liam?” Zayn copied Harry. “Are we officially dating too?”

“Oh fuck you. I’m not going there.” Liam said, laughing out loud. Zayn pouted. “Zayn!” Zayn pouted even more. “Are you stupid?” Louis got the giggles. “Maybe just marry me one day too?”

Niall was still crying but he couldn’t help but comment on it. “I’m gonna vomit.”

____

It’s been 78 days since Dr. Walker had told Liam that he could leave the hospital. 52 for Zayn. 14 for Louis. 70 for Niall. 99 for Shawn. 67 for Eleanor. 44 for Taylor. 10 for Niall. 40 for Harry."

“I can’t believe we’re sitting here.” Liam mumbled, touching the grass underneath his hands. “You’d be so proud of us.”

_Silence._

“She _is_ , Liam.” Zayn replied, leaning his head against Liam’s shoulder. “Aren’t you proud of us?”

 _Silence_.

Harry smiled. “We made it, guys.”

_Silence._

“We sure as hell did. Took me and Niall a bit longer but bitch we’re here too now.” Louis replied, giving Niall a high five. “Hailee, girl, we miss you loads.”

_Silence._

“And they’re all gonna rot in hell.” Taylor added. “I told my dad everything. Hailee, you know he’s the best lawyer in town. He’s gonna make all of these monsters pay for what they’ve done to you.”

_Silence._

“Don’t worry. The other piece of shit is gonna go to hell too. Liam and I made sure of it.” Zayn added, tears streaming down his face. “I just wish you’d be here with us. But maybe you are.”

_Silence._

“Are we talking to a tombstone?” Louis suddenly wanted to know. “We’ve lost it.”

_Silence._

“Maybe we have, but we’re always meeting here! We promised her to never forget her.” Shawn interrupted, sticking his tongue out at Louis.

“She’s around wherever and whenever. We can meet up at a goddamn diner instead. The empty chair is for her then!” Louis suggested, making all of them laugh. “What? Come on, guys! We can’t just meet at a graveyard for the rest of our lives. Let’s just always make sure there’s one empty chair, an empty spot or anything. For Hailee.”

“I miss you.” Niall whispered, still holding a single rose in his right hand. “This one is for you.” He put it down and got up. “Let’s go. I’m hungry.”

“Please no more pizza. I swear I’m gonna get fat.” Eleanor said, making all of them laugh. “What? It’s your fault that I’m addicted to it by now!”

“Pizza it is then!” Liam replied, grinning.

“I’m not gonna add pineapple ever again, just because Hailee liked that! Pineapple on pizza is a crime!” Zayn yelled, bubbling over with laughter. “Girl, I love you but I’m never gonna forgive you that!”

Shawn’s jaw dropped. “Pineapple on pizza is good!”

“You know what else is good? Pizza on top of a naked Harry.” Louis interjected, making all of them gag at the same time.

“We don’t need to know about that!” Zayn shrieked, jumping into Liam’s arms. “Liam, do something.”

Liam hugged him tightly but couldn’t help but joke around too. “What? Pizza on top of a naked Zayn wouldn’t be that bad either, to be honest!”

Zayn tapped his forehead at him. “Never in a million years, my love.”

“Pizza or a naked Zayn?” Liam continued, while Niall already ran away. “Or pizza on top of a naked Zayn?”

“Why do I love you again?” Zayn questioned, pressing his soft lips against Liam’s before he whispered in his ear. “Maybe the naked Zayn thing doesn’t sound that horrifying anymore.” Liam’s eyes widened. “Maybe I don’t want pizza anymore. Can we go home?”

“Guys, I forgot that Zayn and I were supposed to meet up with Zayn’s sisters! We’re gonna eat pizza together tomorrow! Sorry!” Liam yelled, making Zayn almost lose it.

“Whaaat?!!” Louis asked loudly, before he took Harry’s hand to follow Niall. “Come on, let’s all go have the best pizza ever then. These two lovebirds have to be boring as always.”

A few seconds later Liam pulled Zayn closer, looking deep into his eyes while smiling broadly.

“We’re definitely not gonna meet my sisters.” Zayn stated, licking his lips.

“No, we’re not.” Liam whispered. “But we’re also not gonna rush things, Zayn.”

Zayn whined. “Liam, stop trying to be way too nice for your own good. When will you…fuck me already?!”

Liam almost tripped over his own feet. “Damn.”

“That blowjob from last night was nice, but I’ve told you I want more.” Zayn repeated himself, grinning smugly. “I’m ready for it, I swear. And how am I supposed to…I mean…Liam, look at you. You’re so hot.”

Liam passionately kissed him, while Zayn shamelessly touched Liam’s ass. “Let’s go home. Now.”

Zayn slowly pulled back and grinned. "Hey, Liam! Wait!" 

Liam kissed Zayn's way too cute nose. "Yeah, butterfly?" 

Zayn rolled his eyes, smiling broadly. "There's something inside of your pocket. Thought you'd find it earlier but you're slow."

"They're empty. You just washed it yesterday. Don't be such a... _wife_!" Liam urged him, cackling. "I'm sorry if it was another tissue!" Liam put his hand inside of his pocket to check and suddenly turned white. "Oh my...oh my god." 

Zayn got on his knees. "Will you marry me, Liam? For real?" 

"Is that even a question? Of course, I will!" Liam replied, literally jumping in Zayn's arms, kissing him over and over again.

Zayn smirked and turned his head, looking directly at Hailee's grave. "I promised you, you'd always be around. He said yes." 

"You're a wonderful human being, baby." Liam whispered, holding Zayn's hand tightly."

"I didn't plan to ask you after we've talked about sex but we never get the chance to do things as normal people would." 

"I love you." Liam whispered when Zayn put the ring on Liam's hand.

"And I love you."


	15. Epilogue

**5 yeas later**

 

Zayn wrapped his arms around Liam from behind and kissed his shoulder. “Hey, baby.”

“You’re home already?” Liam asked, turning around to kiss his husband hello. “How was it?”

“It was good actually! The doctors said I’m doing an amazing job.”

Liam smiled. “I can imagine. It’s not common that someone does this. I’m incredibly proud of you.”

“It’s not that kind of a big deal.” Zayn rolled his eyes.

“Zayn, it is. You’re sitting down in front of people who are currently dealing with what you’ve managed to stop doing. You’re literally telling your story all over again day by day. You’re showing people your arms and legs, your fading scars. You even let them touch them. I can’t tell you how proud I am that you want to help people who hurt themselves to stop doing it. This is a big deal.” Liam replied, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“I don’t know. I just think there’s so much triggering stuff to see everywhere that someone needs to show the opposite too sometimes. Doesn’t it give hope to see that someone is doing great by now, see old fading scars? I just want to encourage people and show that it’s possible. I just wish all of them had their own Liam.”

“I love you.” Liam mumbled, pulling Zayn into his arms. “You’re the best human being ever. I wish people had their own Zayn.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not kidding. You’re the only reason I can deal with my depressive episodes. I’m rarely depressed anymore but you always manage to make me feel loved and important then. People should have someone like you.” Liam replied.

Zayn gently pecked Liam’s lips. “Are we emo now or can we change the subject. I just came home from work and if you’re not feeling down right now I’d rather not trigger that.”

“I don’t share. As you said, you just came home!”

“But you have to share!!!” Zayn complained, jokingly pushing Liam away from him. “There’s nothing you can do about it?”

“Oh yeah? What if I strip for you?” Liam suggested, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Sounds good.” Zayn bit his lip. “But right now I just wanna see my baby.”

“I am already here. Standing right in front of you!” Liam said, waving.

“My other baby.”

“Your car?” Liam joked, making Zayn fondly roll his eyes. “I’m joking. She’s asleep right now, butterfly.”

“Oh no! Seriously? I bought her a present!” Zayn pouted.

“Just put her in bed 15 minutes ago. Louis and Harry came over with their kid this morning and they played until they both fell asleep. It was so cute.”

Now Zayn pouted even more. “I always miss the best moments. Maybe I should quit my job!”

“You don’t quit anything. Maybe you take a break and go on a vacation with me?” Liam replied, waiting for Zayn to put one and one together.

“Vacation? What vacation?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Niall and I booked a trip for _all_ of us next week. Including the kids.” Liam said, trying to sound bored even though he was super excited. “Shawn is already there with Eleanor…”

“Oh my god!” Zayn suddenly shrieked. “Are we going to see each other again!?”

“Everyone is gonna be there!” Liam screamed, jumping with joy. “Surprise?”

“Why haven’t you told me?” Zayn complained, grinning broadly.

“Because...welll... Happy Birthday, my love.” Liam passionately kissed Zayn, who seemed to be tearing up. “You said you didn’t want a single present and when I told Niall on the phone we suddenly had this idea and yeah.”

“You’re insane. This probably costs a fortune!” Zayn complained, arms akimbo. Then he got the giggles.

“Yeah, because we can’t spend money on anything. I forgot.” Liam replied, laughing out loud.

“Sometimes I still can’t believe you got all of that money.” Zayn bit his lip, staring on the floor. Liam didn’t let him.

“Don’t think about him, okay? Money doesn’t heal wounds and the scars are still there but it at least makes our lives easier. It probably sounds horrible to say this but I’m glad he’s six feet under.” 

“Liam.”

“No. I mean it. He was a monster. I still can’t believe my mom knew nothing. I’m glad she got her shit together, not that she could ever fix what she’s done to me as a child. Or hasn’t done. But we’re getting along and that’s good.”

“I’m glad she’s trying to stay in contact with you and I’m actually still impressed she didn’t even think about it twice when she decided to-“

“I’m not the company’s boss.” Liam said, sounding pissed. “I hate it when we talk about that.”

“You’re not working for _his_ company, but you are the heir to it if you like it or not. You got everything. Let’s say you’re the boss’ boss who’s just not working for his own company but spending the money instead.” Zayn laughed.

“I love spending his fucking money. Sounds horrible but it’s so much money I’ll never be able to spend it anyway so I’m happy I can do amazing things with it. The charity projects are my everything.”

“I know, bumblebee. I love that we can support people who have to deal with stuff we’ve all had to deal with. And I don’t want to admit it but I love it the most that you’re supporting my family like that. It’s way too much what you’re doing.”

“Our family.”

“Our family. The girls are going nuts, honey. Safaa is currently in Paris, Doniya in Los Angeles and Waliyha is opening yet another business. All because of you. Zayn took a breath. “And mom and dad never want to come back from Bora Bora. They love it there.”

“I’m happy they can all just enjoy life now.” Liam said, looking out of the window. “Hey, Zayn?”

“Yes?” Zayn asked, waiting for Liam to speak up again.

“I just thought about something this morning.”

Zayn took Liam’s hand and squeezed it. “And about what exactly?”

“Hailee is three years old now, right?”

“Yeah, true.” Zayn furrowed his brow.

“I think she needs a brother or a sister.”

“Oh my god, really?” Zayn shrieked.

“Definitely.” Liam turned to Zayn, dreamy smile playing around his lips. “Do you want another kid with me?”

Zayn jumped into Liam’s arms and kissed him breathless over and over again. “Yes, oh my god. Yes!”

“I think we should think about a name then. Because we can’t have two Hailee’s even though our friend Hailee would laugh about that. Probably laughs about it right now. Up there.”

“Speaking of laughing…”

“What now? Zayn what did you do again?” Liam wanted to know, already cackling.

“I kind of got another tattoo!” Zayn announced happily.

“Another one? Zayn?!”

“I got a little brush tattooed on my chest. Look what the handle says.” Zayn pulled down his shirt, making Liam gasp for air.

“It’s my name. You’re crazy!”

“No, I'm not. it’s a little painting brush with your name on it because you’re an artist.” Zayn explained.

“I rarely draw anything anymore, Zayn.”

“But you make me feel like a **Niece Piece Of Art** every day. You always did. You always will."


End file.
